AIBU regarding wedding invite?

[Teapot77]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

Did you go?

Handing out the invitations the way they did was calculated malice. I wouldn't want to go to this wedding.

I think it would be different if it was in the UK and it was a numbers thing but the fact that it is a big destination wedding plus a 10 day holiday is actually taking the piss and I don’t understand why your DP can’t see that. They are expecting him to book annual leave and spend a shit ton of cash but to be his own own for a 10 day holiday whilst everyone else is coupled up, that’s really unkind. Very bad form.

I think his “friends” aren’t actually as good friends of his as he thinks they are; I certainly wouldn’t be treating one of my friends and their partner this way. And although when they got engaged you hadn’t been together long, by the time the invites came out you had been.

Update us op. How did it go?

I'm horrified she handed out the invitations in front of you at the dinner. How can this not be calculated and nasty ?
I can't interpret it any other way.

So what happened last night @Teapot77

I'm wondering if we will ever get an update...

Ahh YANBU. Something very similar happened to me - destination wedding and my partner and kid weren’t invited (it wasn’t a child free wedding). I was her BRIDESMAID and still didn’t get a +1. But at least she didn’t hand out the invites in front of my partner! We all went on holiday and on the day, he stayed in the hotel room while I went to the wedding! We had a great holiday though, go to SA anyway.

I would have said something. I hate feeling uncomfortable but I would have pointed out the lack of tact in handing out the invitations, knowing that they had left me out in front of everyone. This is not a put up shut up situation.

Yes did you go OP? How was it?

I’ve skim read replies but have looked at your updates. I’m going to be honest here - I suspect that your boyfriend is not certain of still being with you next summer, and that his mates know that.

I think that the problem is with him, not them, although handing it over in front of you was crass.

He may see your union as casual, he may be planning to end it after Christmas, he may just be unsure for now. Sorry OP. I can’t think of any other reason unless they’re genuinely only inviting spouses and cohabitees, which doesn’t seem to be so.

I'd say he's made them 'aware' or made them think you aren't for keeps but even so, you'd still think he'd get a plus one 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's a weird situation, and can't really offer any advice other than maybe rethink your relationship with him as he isnt backing you up one bit, and do not dog sit that bloody dog!!

Personally I'd tell him where to shove his invite and leave him to it. You're not a casual girlfriend, you've been together for a year and , as you've said, have seen this couple several times and dog sat for them.

I really don't get why people invite one half of a couple to a wedding and not their partner!

If he doesn't want to say something for fear of upsetting somebody, then it means he cares more about these friends than he does about you and your feelings. Tell him how you feel. That you are upset and angry - for all sorts of reasons - second-best, treated as an outsider, missing the holiday with him and your friends, etc. And if he still can't see this then walk away from him … somebody who cares so little about you and your feelings isn't worth the effort.

That’s really awful and tbh I am not impressed at your partner’s attitude. If he fails to stand up for you now I don’t think it bodes well for your future. Do you really want to join this family?

It's unthinkable that your DP didn't say a word when they handed out the invites.

He's either a complete doormat who can't speak up for himself or others - or he told them not to include you. Neither are attractive, are they?

You are completely right to be upset and offended.

They've behaved appallingly. Your DP hasn't behaved brilliantly either.

Not sure if you've said how old you & DP are.. it's a very immature way DP is behaving, not to challenge on your behalf.

I’m another one wondering is you went tonight.
It’s all odd because you might actually be living together by the time of their wedding. I do not know how they have the brass face to ask you to dog sit. it is just you doing it, not you and DP? Plus you did say that you had been out with her on your own for dinner and drinks. It’s all very odd. I don’t think I’d be going now even if I was invited.

I would ask why you haven't been invited

If I was inviting a friend and their partner to my wedding and I wasnt sure if they would still be together I'd still invite the partner. If they split after Christmas and dont come then so be it.

@Teapot77 what happened last night?

OP your DPs friends are cunts and your DP is a spineless arse. Sod all of them.

So she’s openly talked about her wedding in front of you/to you? Surely it’s an oversight?
Update us @Teapot77

Why don't you go on holiday with him. Yes it's hurtful not being invited but there is no reason you can't travel with him. I would be upset at him not saying anything also. And to give the invites out in front of you is totally insensitive.

Did you and DP go?

I'd ask for the reason you haven't been invited, ( and ask in full public, just as public as the snub to you was) and dependent in the reason, either drop them as friends and forget about them and if necessary the group. Or if they have a very credible reason (and I can't for the life of me think why ) forgive them and go. Get pissed and trash the day and piss in the pool !