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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
Teapot77 · 06/12/2019 16:40

@MrsCholmleyWarner Every time it was ever spoken about in a group or just me and her it always felt like I was to be included... I was really excited for her/them and saying how great it would be etc but then no invite!

OP posts:
Lightkeeper · 06/12/2019 16:52

Every time it was ever spoken about in a group or just me and her it always felt like I was to be included... I was really excited for her/them and saying how great it would be etc but then no invite!

Okay. Odd. When you are with them / the bride... do you sometimes feel you're being 'assessed'? That happens. Even my husband was kinda being assessed by my friends in our first year of dating. And I (and others) subconsciously do this to the partners of friends who are still in the dating stage.

If so... this will sound mean... but can it be that they still think you don't 'fit in'?

MrsCholmleyWarner · 06/12/2019 17:02

Teapot77 this is very shoddy treatment and I really feel for you. Not having your own circle of friends close by must make it worse, but hopefully all the support on here helps a bit. If I were you I would base my decision of whether to go tonight, on how supportive you think your DP will be. You don't want to leave yourself vulnerable to a situation where you are crying in the loo while he does nothing. Having said that, for purely selfish reasons, I hope you do go because I'm intrigued to know what will transpire.

Lex234 · 06/12/2019 17:02

Sorry if this was mentioned but are you invited to the hen? I would be miffed tbh. I went to DPs brother's wedding and we had only been dating a few months.

BlueJava · 06/12/2019 17:08

YANBU. It's really strange to hand out invites and for there to be a person at the table who isn't invited - are you sure it's not just a mistake? If it's not a mistake then I'd say it's because it's the way he has portrayed your relationship to them - he maybe giving the impression it's not for keeps. Even if this is the case then it's still incredibly rude of them to hand out invites in front of you.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 06/12/2019 17:10

@Lex234 not invited to the Hen no but none of the other partners in the friendship group are either.

OP posts:
Lex234 · 06/12/2019 17:16

Well I think it is either a) an oversight-but a pretty hurtful one or b) incredibly rude and insensitive of them to hand out in front of you. I would also feel weird about going if they now asked you. Interested to see what they say if your DP asks

Hollywolly1 · 06/12/2019 17:19

Are you sure none of the partners in the friendship group are not invited to the Hen?,maybe they have a WhatsApp group together and your not on it,I'm not trying to make you more upset it's just the whole thing is sooooooo weird.If you and your boyfriend are a serious couple which I imagine you must be after a year and if he says he's going to that wedding on his own I'd dump his sorry ass like a hot coal

Hollywolly1 · 06/12/2019 17:25

I hope your boyfriend will not ask them about an invite for you,they know they didn't invite you.I was thinking maybe they forgot to write your name on the invite by mistake maybe hot distracted or something like that really could happen but does it just show his name on the envelope?if it does well that kinda confirms it was not a mistake to leave you out.so sorry this must put a strain on your relationship

LittleSweet · 06/12/2019 17:26

Dh's best man had only been with his now wife for a few months when we issued invitations. We still invited him and his then new girlfriend. They have been callous and your dp is weak not standing up for you. You could do better with the bride and groom and dp.

MrsCholmleyWarner · 06/12/2019 17:30

Neither of the females from couple A and couple B are invited to the hen night? Is this friendship group based on the friendships between the 4 men, with all the females being part of it whilst not actually being friends, as such, outside of the group?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 06/12/2019 18:00

I think if you’re going to say anything to them you need to be very sure that your dp hasn’t told them not to invite you.

7salmonswimming · 06/12/2019 18:01

Wait - so the original friendship is between the men, wives/girlfriends/partners joining in as when they arise in the men’s lives?

I think that changes things slightly. Is the bride from SA and the groom from the UK? If so, seems like the wedding might be her show, and the fiancé is going along for the ride. If the bride has her own friends and isn’t even close enough to the longer term female partners to invite them to her hen do, I don’t think you need to take it so personally.

I think you need to conclude that she is self-absorbed (likely to escalate while planning a wedding) and ungenerous, not circumspect, somewhat immature (hasn’t thought through the long term cost:benefit of inviting one more person versus causing such offence and such a split). The groom could “just” be useless, letting her go along with it.

In which case I wouldn’t jeopardize the friendship group, your bf’s relationship with them, or your relationship with your bf. I’d just reassess my opinion of the bride (downwards) and get in with it. I also wouldn’t care about not being invited to the wedding. Her show, you’d just be a bit-player, your bf there for the craic with his mates.

Does that ring true, or possible?

7salmonswimming · 06/12/2019 18:07

Also, I think it will become very obvious to her as time goes on just how awkward she has made things by not inviting you. You’ll all be out together, the wedding will be discussed, plans made, talk about the villa etc......and there will be an elephant in the room. You’ll just stay quiet as you can’t participate, and it will just be......oh, cringe. Silly woman. She’s let herself down.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if a +1 arrives down the line just to deal with the awkwardness. I’d accept, because HOLIDAY IN SA!!

Ayemama · 06/12/2019 18:10

What a shitty way to be treated even without the expectation of an invite to be the only one at a table to not be invited is a bit rude but when you have k own them for a year bad they feel comfortable asking favoues of you it seems almost cruel. Did I read it right that they have asked you to dog sit since this happened as well?
Readlly think your bf has behaved badly in this too and you need to let him know you expect better from him.

MrsCholmleyWarner · 06/12/2019 18:34

You are studying for a master's degree, maybe she assumed that a 10 day holiday in term time would be out of the question for you?

Singlenotsingle · 06/12/2019 18:39

You could go on the ten day holiday with dp, surely, even if not to the wedding itself?

ReturnofSaturn · 06/12/2019 18:57

I would still go on the holiday if you want to OP.

But yes, that was shockingly rude of them.

Honeyroar · 06/12/2019 19:36

It would be a even bigger slap in the face to go on the holiday and sit on your own while everyone else went to the wedding. I’d not go, have a holiday together the following year?

ArntNise · 06/12/2019 19:46

@Teapot77 did your partner ask and have you gone to dinner with them?

Alsgirl · 06/12/2019 19:59

Awkward for who? You've done nothing, if there's awkwardness they made it so and it's their problem. Do nothing, say no more about it, keep your head high and just have other plans as in "sorry I'm washing my hair that night"if they ask you to dog sit etc. It is obvious they know you're upset already but it's still possible this may all blow over in which case you haven't committed to any action you regret. Wish you all the best whatever you decide!

museumsandgalleries666 · 06/12/2019 20:03

Don't ask for a +1.

Don't go to SA, with or without an invitation.

Don't dog sit.

Don't go away while he's in SA, wait a few months then book somewhere you've always wanted to go, without BF - maybe with your friends.

Find a new BF with nicer friends.

.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/12/2019 20:17

So female a&b aren’t going to her hen night ?

That’s weird. Those who go to a hen usually go to the wedding

Where is she having it ? Have you said to a&b weird none of you going ?

Dp or at the moment bf needs to ask outright why you aren’t invited

ButterflyBook · 06/12/2019 20:18

I think if you’re going to say anything to them you need to be very sure that your dp hasn’t told them not to invite you

My daughter has just got married and had a couple of (unconnected) male friends with girlfriends of a few months. In the interest of diplomacy she asked them both if they wanted a +1 before putting it on an invitation.

They both said no they didn't. She'd met the girlfriends socially but not very close. So it's' not unheard of.
She sent the invitations in the post though.

MrsPerfect12 · 06/12/2019 22:41

I hope you didn't go tonight.

I don't know how to take the issue of invites without you being invited. That's nasty.

My DH friend had a small wedding and partners weren't invited during the day but were evening only. This was for bride and grooms friends and it was all said in advance of the invites going out.
DO NOT TAKE CARE OF THE DOG FOR THE WEDDING.

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