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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
ReeRi · 06/12/2019 13:09

I think this is so rude of them and especially since it is not at all a local wedding

If I was your DP I’d say actually it’s a bit far to go on my own without my DP and we want a holiday together this year so not sure I can make it

You could go without going to the wedding if the wedding is just a day?

So rude, I wouldn’t even want to see them! They shouldn’t have given out the invitations that way if they were excluding you

ReeRi · 06/12/2019 13:12

Why are you worried it will be awkward for them if you don’t go to the party? They weren’t bothered about your feelings when they handed out the invitations!

Go to the party if you want but ONLY IF YOU want to, not for them and not for your DP who is happy to go to the wedding alone!

Lightkeeper · 06/12/2019 13:16

This can be upsetting... but is it because the engaged couple have a 'no ring (i.e. engagement ring) no bring' rule? I know some who will only invite partners who are definitely 'in for the long run' and try to avoid inviting those who are still at the beginning of said relationship.

It does make it easier to look at wedding pictures in future, I have to say! I didn't have such a rule, and it made it awkward when the 'new love' spotted her boyfriend happily posing and totally in love with someone else on our wedding pictures.

Honeyroar · 06/12/2019 13:20

Are you minding the dog alone or do you happen to be with your boyfriend while he’s minding it? I’m just trying to think whether they think of it as him minding the dog..

returnofthecat · 06/12/2019 13:32

Given your boyfriend's reaction, like some of the other posters, I do think he knew you wouldn't be invited and it was at his instigation. You've been together a year, you don't live together, and it turns out you're only a part of the friendship group because of him - they'd drop you in a flash if he said he had broken up with you.

I don't think your boyfriend sees your relationship quite as seriously as you do. Forget the wedding, you need to have a chat about where your relationship is, where it's going and if you're both happy with that.

Chandler913 · 06/12/2019 13:41

Ynbu but your partner is if he's happy to still be involved in the wedding without you

Lightkeeper · 06/12/2019 13:47

I just realized the wedding is only next year!

OK. So with the friend my husband has who has a revolving door of girlfriends (I do not know who he is with now, but it's definitely not the same girl as six months ago) and where the then GF came to our destination wedding...

  • she was never on the invite... I doubt she was even with him when we sent out save the dates;
  • he asked whether he could have a + 1;
  • he paid for her to go with him;
  • they had early relationship issues, because the next few days after the wedding were spent giving out relationship advice to both (i.e. split up).

Is your relationship really that serious?!?

MrsCholmleyWarner · 06/12/2019 14:09

Is it possible that they assume that, as you aren't a long term friend, you wouldn't want to spend a heap of money and a chunk of your annual leave, attending their wedding? They might be surprised to know you are willing to do that. The way the invitations were given out makes me think that it didn't occur to her that you would be upset. Because she'd have to be a bit of an idiot to intentionally be so cruel to someone who she relies on for dog sitting.

Delatron · 06/12/2019 14:27

Hmm yes I’ve been wracking my brains to think why someone would be so cruel who was supposed to be a friend. The only explanation is that she would think you weren’t bothered/wouldn’t want to pay to come/didn’t expect the invite as not serious.

Not that any of these reasons are correct and make what she did ok. It’s not. It’s awful behaviour. She must have thought you wouldn’t care.

ReeRi · 06/12/2019 14:33

Now that PPs have said it, I’m wondering whether your BF gave them the impression you weren’t serious or he didn’t want you to go

Derbee · 06/12/2019 14:38

Interesting to see how this ends.

I suspect you feel you have an individual friendship with the bride. I suspect she views you as X’s GF.

If you guys broke up, her friendship with your BF would continue, but she probably feels like she wouldn’t see you again.

As a PP has said, depending on how the dog sitting is arranged, they may well feel that your BF is dog sitting? Or you’re dog sitting through him?

I assume (unless they’re really bloody rude) that they don’t think it’s a big deal to not invite you, so didn’t feel awkward about doing it in front of you.

As for your BF asking for a plus one, I think that would be cheeky. It’s not an automatic right to take a plus one to a wedding, and they’re allowed to only want their closet friends and family at their wedding, especially if they’re going back to SA for it.

I would go, if I was your BF. It wouldn’t mean that I don’t value our relationship, just that I really value my friendships, and believe that it’s their right to invite who they want to their wedding. It doesn’t need to cause a falling out with his friends, or breaking up your relationship.

It’s just one of those things.

homeishere · 06/12/2019 15:00

Maybe they don’t like you?

Their wedding, up to them at the end of the day.

Your complaint shouldn’t really be with them, but with your bf. Either he stands by you and doesn’t go or he ignores your feelings as does.

Up to you to then decide if you’re happy with that or if you want a man who treats you better.

whyamidoingthis · 06/12/2019 15:07

Your complaint shouldn’t really be with them

I think the op has a very valid complaint against the couple. Not because she wasn't invited but because they handed out the invitations in front of her when she wasn't invited.

DartmoorChef · 06/12/2019 15:16

I still think that given the BFs lack of interest towards the non invite, and him trying to justify they reasons, he already knew that Teapot wasn't getting an invite, and maybe just maybe he had requested that himself...

Honeybee85 · 06/12/2019 15:24

Wow - they are astoundingly rude!
To hand out was invites in front of you, rude doesn’t even cover this action, cruel would be a better description.

I would be tempted to end the relationship with DP if I were in your shoes if he goes to SA for 10 days without you.

whyamidoingthis · 06/12/2019 15:25

@DartmoorChef - Quite possibly. In which case, the op, while also having a complaint with the bf, still has a valid complaint with the couple, unless the bf had told the couple she had asked not to be invited, which seems a bit unlikely.

DartmoorChef · 06/12/2019 15:35

I think it's more likely that the bf has asked the couple not to include her on the invite, and told them he will explain it away as long term only couples etc etc and that is the excuse they have to use if she asks . Because I can't think of any other reason why they would leave her out like this.

Derbee · 06/12/2019 15:42

Another option, maybe they asked your BF if he wanted a plus one, and he said no thanks. Maybe he didn’t want to commit to an expensive trip, so far in the future, when you’ve been together less than a year.

I think that’s reasonable, and doesn’t mean he’s necessarily an arsehole

Motoko · 06/12/2019 15:54

We had people (+1s) at our wedding, who we'd never met. I was invited to DH's cousin's wedding when we'd only been together for 8 months, and I'd never met her. I don't like this "rule" that some people seem to have, that only married or living together couples can be invited, or that a one year relationship is "new".

I asked DH if he would have said something if this had happened to us, and he said "Of course". He also said he wouldn't go, because he wouldn't want to go without me. I know him well enough to know he would have felt very hurt by his friend's actions, and would be stepping back from that friendship.

@Teapot77 your boyfriend (he's not a partner if you're not a team) is making excuses for them and doesn't want to say anything to them, despite knowing this has hurt and humiliated you. He's not a keeper I'm afraid. Dial back on the plans to change jobs and move in with him.

You've spent nearly 52 weekends socialising with them, as well as socialising with the bride separately, and looking after their dog. The lack of invite is not because they don't know you very well.

You've said you're the one that makes all the effort when you go out with the bride, which makes me wonder if she doesn't actually like you, but is keeping you on side, because you're handy for dog sitting. (And they need you to dog sit while they get married.) Her dislike of you, could explain why she handed out the invitations in front of you.

You've not answered anyone's questions about your own friends. Do you not have any? Is that why you've been happy to hang out with your boyfriend's friends every weekend? Do you both not spend time just the two of you? Is that also why you're so conflicted about stepping back with socialising with them, and ending things with your boyfriend?

I wouldn't go tonight. Nor any other time either.

Lightkeeper · 06/12/2019 16:16

Oh, yes... what happened to your friends, OP?

I never understood women who adopt all their other half's friends and never had any of their own. When you split up... you will have none!

Original poster
Teapot77 · 06/12/2019 16:20

@Motoko I've in the last 2 years moved back to the UK, the industry I'm in is very male orientated and therefore difficult to make friends at work. I have friends from my years abroad but none live in the UK so see them as and when we can get together. Not easy to just 'pop in'.

We spend time the two of us on weekends yes, if anything just pop in to say hi.

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 06/12/2019 16:32

Did you decide to go this evening or not? If you're undecided you could maybe go (if you're staying with DP, not going might make them think you're not a permanent fixture) & if they start to do wedding talk you could politely suggest they do that another time since it isn't relevant to everyone present....

I am a believer in taking the high road, don't give them the power to ruin your current social life & nights out with DP. Thanks

MrsCholmleyWarner · 06/12/2019 16:36

During the times you've spent socialising - both as part of the friendship group and on a one-to-one basis -with the bride to be, the subject of the wedding plans/10 day trip must have come up often. During those conversations did you feel like you were discussing something that you were to be included in?

WhenPushComesToShove · 06/12/2019 16:37

My gut instinct is that the invitation situation arose as a result of a previous conversation between DP and Inviters. If DP is as chummy with them as you have said, surely they wouldn't want to upset him by leaving out his beloved. Extraordinarily cruel to give out invitations as they did - what absolute bastards. If DP is ok with this I would seriously question my relationship with him

Original poster
Teapot77 · 06/12/2019 16:37

@HappyGoLuckyLuLu I still haven't decided. Feel angry and upset still but I think I might go...

OP posts:
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