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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
greenlynx · 05/12/2019 22:43

Talking with the bride is not a good idea. OP’s partner should discuss this with his friends along the lines that he doesn’t feel that it’s appropriate for him to go to their wedding without OP, his partner. That’s all.

DarkOceanWater · 06/12/2019 01:45

I reckon you will also find that not as many invited guests will go as the B&G think will. It's a massive way to go for a wedding. When these plans are first announced most people say that of course they will go. Because what else can you really say. When the rubber actually hits the road and flights and accommodation needs to be booked - a good number will drop out.

You may find an invite arrives at this point. If it was me I am not sure I would accept.

loseyourself · 06/12/2019 02:35

OP draggin back and going tomorrow night. You asked and you were told OP. Go and kick the can down the road.

crankysaurus · 06/12/2019 03:17

I bet they've got you marked down for dog sitting for the ten days. I'm sorry, it all sounds rather shit.

Pollyhops · 06/12/2019 03:32

What a shit situation. Your DP is not coming out of this well either.

BlackCatSleeping · 06/12/2019 03:41

It was definitely rude of them. You've been together a year, that's long enough. I'd probably skip the drinks on Friday and just let things settle down a bit.

Definitely no more dog sitting!

ThePawtriarchy · 06/12/2019 04:48

Hmm, they don’t have another single female friend by any chance?

Shinnoo · 06/12/2019 05:06

Wise words from 7salmonswimming.

I think your bf should be stepping up to the plate and speaking to his friends. Has there been an oversight etc etc and sort the plus one before this is pretty excruciating.

If not I would be extremely frosty to the couple and phase out any joint socialising which definitely won't be hard once they live in SA.

This would be an occasion when I would expect my bf to stand up for me if he was going to become a dp.

Shinnoo · 06/12/2019 05:07

And giving out invites at a dinner but not one for you just what the absolute fuck.

JollyJlly · 06/12/2019 05:49

I’d be seeing DP not sticking up for you/asking why not invited as a red flag to be honest. You do not want a partner who hasn’t got your back IMO

BellyButton85 · 06/12/2019 06:00

Could they possibly not see your relationship as serious? Maybe they are hitching their bets on you not being together by then and dont want to pay for you incase your not. The other couples sound more serious in being they live together etc. Weddings are expensive things and sometimes you have to be rude at the beginning to not end up wasting your money in the long run

Blahblahblah12345 · 06/12/2019 06:07

You've said that you make all the effort and start all the conversations. Stop. They are really not your friends. I have someone in my life whom I thought was my friend. But in reality they are not. It was just circumstantial that we have to be around each other. I've taken a step back upon realising. And guess what? We no longer talk other than polite small talk.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/12/2019 06:44

I think you should be unavailable on Friday so your dp can ask them what’s going on.

Agreed. Exactly. Don’t be an option with your partner Teapot. Flowers

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 06/12/2019 06:56

If you do go tomorrow, I'd walk out of the room each time the wedding is mentioned and when you are asked why, tell them

Jesus!! Such advice. Why bother going out if she's going to get up and walk away everytime a wedding is mentioned? Either go along with good grace and socialise with them, or don't.

There is no rule that you have to be friends with your partner's friends.

SunniDay · 06/12/2019 06:58

Hi OP,
You mentioned your partner had one serious previous relationship. Is she in the friendship group/going to the wedding? If so perhaps there is still bad feeling.

fickthisshut · 06/12/2019 07:13

Your partner should be backing you on this OP.

IdleBet · 06/12/2019 08:40

Regarding the invitations, unless the bride has no social skills whatsoever, she has done this on purpose.

I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

As PPs have said, there must be some history or she has a friend in mind for your DP.

Does she come across genuine when you socialise?

SusanneLinder · 06/12/2019 08:48

The bitchy side of me would be tempted to go tonight and talk about the marvellous holiday you have planned at the same time as the wedding, but it would probably look like sour grapes, that's why I say "tempted ".
I probably wouldn't go tonight and socialise with such toxic people, but that could look like sour grapes too. A bit damned if you do scenario.
Like a PP said, I think many people will drop out. It's a great destination, but I wouldn't want to spend that money travelling that far just for a wedding ( unless close family)

CoraPirbright · 06/12/2019 08:57

Have you decided whether you are going this evening OP?

I think they have behaved despicably. They have been socialising with you lots in the last year (and even you the bride without your dp who is the original connection). You have even done them a favour by looking after the dog! Then to not invite you.....well, it is their wedding I guess but what a snub. But then to hand out the invitations in front of you smacks of the playground and the behaviour of bitchy ten year olds. It is spectacularly thoughtless at best. And the idea that you hadn’t been going out for long when the ‘save the dates’ were sent out is utterly irrelevant and that is what this is all about. Circumstances have changed since then and there is absolutely no hard and fast rule that numbers are set in stone when these silly save the date things are sent out.

I think I would not go and also duck out of future meet-ups. And instruct your DP to say, when asked about your whereabouts, “well, Teapot wanted to come but thought that most of the conversation would be about the wedding and holiday and as she is NFI would find it difficult”.

Butterymuffin · 06/12/2019 11:59

He's clearly not going to say anything like that, though. He doesn't want to rock the boat.

whyamidoingthis · 06/12/2019 12:09

He's clearly not going to say anything like that, though. He doesn't want to rock the boat.

He's not, but even if he was, the emphasis should be on the rudeness of handing out the invitations in front of someone not invited, rather than the lack of invitation. It's very easy for the couple to justify the lack of invitation. Not so easy to justify their rudeness and lack of consideration to the op in the way they distributed them

Littlemeadow123 · 06/12/2019 12:22

All the people sayig that OP has only been with her DP for a year like that is a perfectly reasonable excuse for this sort of behaviour. Pfft.

One of my close friends had only known her husband for eight months before they got married. Five years and two kids later they are still going strong.

SmoothOrange · 06/12/2019 12:42

OP are you invited to the hen night?

Also, there is no way you should/can stop him from going unless you want the relationship to end.

Are you sure she likes you? It is very strange

lalafafa · 06/12/2019 12:56

Very mean of them to hand out the invites I front of you. I get a feeling they have asked your DP and maybe he’s said that you’re not a long term partner.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 06/12/2019 13:05

it sounds like you're to mind the dog.

i'd ditch all of them, including your toolbox boyfriend.

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