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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 05/12/2019 16:38

So if they gave out the invite by post :not in front of you - you wohid he happy not being invited ?

Agree the way they Gave invites was wrong

But then it was me and df I would have said along the line is it for us both as mrblondes name isn’t on it

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2019 16:50

that you know of - they may well have discussed it with him

MotherOfSoupDragons · 05/12/2019 17:13

I'm wondering that too Quartz.

Whoops75 · 05/12/2019 17:15

I don’t get the numbers excuse,
dp will have a room you can share
an extra meal isn’t huge and you’ll pay for your own flight.

It’s very strange.

TheHootiestOwl · 05/12/2019 17:18

It’s possible they didn’t want to invite couples who don’t live together. Maybe they see you as temporary.

Either way giving out the invitations in front of you was just hurtful and thoughtless.

MissMoiselle · 05/12/2019 17:30

The way they have given out invitations was rude. No excuse there. From your posts, your BF does not seem to be too fussed about the whole situation. I feel for you because your heart was in the right place and things are totally awkward now. I would feel very resentful in your shoes. I certainly would not socialise with them because they don't consider you a friend. Ditto dog-sitting. What if you and your BF end up getting married, would you invite them to your wedding?

SheChoseDown · 05/12/2019 18:18

You keep referring to them as your partner's friends. I think that's what they are. You're just their friend's girlfriend.
I think it'd be very unreasonable to ask him to choose between you and his friends. It's obvious he'd choose his mates.
Sorry you were treated this way, it was harsh. But do you need to destroy your relationship over it? You don't need to be friends with these people

Hollywolly1 · 05/12/2019 18:38

I really hope he wouldn't choose his mates over his girlfriend of one year actually 18months by time the wedding comes around.I think his friends are strange.All this talk about numbers is just absolute rubbish.what is one of the people that were invited died,what then? Will they want them dug up

Hollywolly1 · 05/12/2019 18:40

To be honest what I think is really going on here is that someone close to the bride has their eye on your boyfriend

7salmonswimming · 05/12/2019 19:00

Honestly, I think the thing that makes it awkward is that they know you as an individual now. You've socialized with them as a couple; with her separately; together as a couple.

Even if you'd been, say, the sister of one of the people in Couples A and B and you'd got to know them all as much as you had, it would have been rude in those circumstances to hand the invitations out in front of you. It may have been easier to explain not being invited to the wedding as a numbers thing, having only known you as a sibling of a good friend, and it would have been easier to a accept too.

But as the girlfriend of a year's standing, someone they know well enough to ask favours of and choose to spend time with, this is pretty awful behaviour.

If no invitation is forthcoming, I would maintain a frosty relationship with them for the sake of my bf. Over time, I'd probably stop seeing them, let him see them alone. That's if I intended to stay with my bf.

As I've typed this I've remembered that this very thing happened to me some 15 years ago, minus the part about the couple relocating. My then bf was the last bachelor of the group, they were all a fair bit older than me (I was mid-20s, they were all late 30s-early 40s). They were late to marry, but they'd all known each other since university. It was pretty incestuous too: they'd all dated each other at some point or another before pairing off for good (well, turns out all but one couple are now divorced, but that's incidental). I didn't know any of this at the time, so I was forever putting my foot in it (bf was hopeless). One couple got married and invited me, even though I'd only been dating bf for a year or so, and it was plain for everyone to see that we weren't going to last the distance. Really lovely wedding too, lots of fun. Another couple got married and the woman was, basically, an older version of me. Don't want to sound catty but she was physically older, jaded, weary. Bf told me the reason she so bitchily didn't invite me (bitchily because her fiancé wanted my bf to have his gf there, for his sake, and she stopped him) is because she didn't want to be upstaged (I'm REALLY nothing special, by the way, that's just what bf reported to me. These things are all relative). Anyway, long story short, the friendship group was far more important to the bf than I was, and for this and many many many other reasons we split up after another year or so.

All a long-winded way of saying that maybe they see you as an imposter, someone who doesn't really fit in. In which case, you're better off without. If you stay with the bf he's going to have to choose between you and that's awkward too. This couple have really put a strain on your relationship, and it may not be accidental.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 05/12/2019 19:02

If I were you, I'd book a holidya on oyur own somewhere else at the same time, think of like the best location ever and treat yourself, or take a friend.

bettytaghetti · 05/12/2019 19:08

I would go along tomorrow night and play all nice and innocent with the other 2 couples. At some point they are going to realise that they are going to have to pay for a 2/5ths share of the villa each instead of a third when they realise you're not invited. Let them call out the bride & groom on how rude they're being.

Mamaoffruitloops · 05/12/2019 19:10

Is there a history with your DP and the bride to be?
Just can’t put my finger on why else she is being such a wagon to you?

Grumpelstilskin · 05/12/2019 19:22

It is a very shitty thing to do, especially in the manner it was done to openly exclude you. It was spiteful and I would bet that the bride to be does not like you but is happy to use you for dog sitting. But your partner is not covering himself in glory either. If he went on the whole trip, I would reconsider the relationship. As for that couple, I would stop all pretence and no longer see them and never again dog sit. Life is simply too short for shitty friends and unsupportive partners. A former mate of my DH snubbed me and was very disrespectful to me. He is not welcome in our home, I did not even have to mention it though and they no longer socialise whatsoever. If someone behaves very badly towards your partner, then they are disrespecting you by extension. It is a loyalty test, which so far your partner seemed to have failed pretty badly.

needsahouseboy · 05/12/2019 19:37

They were making a point that you are not one of the group, there is no other reason on this earth that anyone would give invitations out like that unless it was to make a point.

They could have very easily spoken to you before or when handing them out that they were very sorry they couldn't invite you to the whole day but that they'd still love you to come to SA and come along in the evening.

Your boyfriends attitude says it all as well tbh. He does not give a shit about how badly you felt or he would have said something about it when you went off to the toilet. I wouldn't have allowed someone I know to be treated like that let alone a partner.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/12/2019 19:41

If you don’t live together then to most people you are dating, not ‘partners.’

Rubbish. There are many reasons why a serious, committed couple might nit live together. Some friends of mine have been together over 20 years and live separately because it suits them.

I've been with my fiancé for around a year, engaged for 6 months and planning a wedding at some point in the next couple of years. We don't live together. We are not going to live together. It doesn't mean we're nit committed and just "boyfriend and girlfriend" ffs. Some hard of thinking people,on here.

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 05/12/2019 20:57

I hope someone calls them out for the way they seemed to want to publicly humiliate you at the meal. That was beyond cruel. If you do go tomorrow, I'd walk out of the room each time the wedding is mentioned and when you are asked why, tell them.

Dustarr73 · 05/12/2019 21:21

Rubbish. There are many reasons why a serious, committed couple might nit live together. Some friends of mine have been together over 20 years and live separately because it suits them.

Thats different though.You cant compare a 20 year relationship with one a year old.

Hepsibar · 05/12/2019 21:36

How hurtful and insensitive, let's hope a herd of rhino's or something trample the wedding marquee!

How did the other couples feel, I would have noticed this leaving someone out when everyone included or do they have the emotional intelligence of sea cucumbers as well?
A few points, are you both absolutely sure you werent invited?

Your boyfriend doesnt want to upset anyone, but doesnt mind upsetting you ... you are someone!
Surely if they didnt want to invite you and you knowing them, they could have spoken to you first so you were aware and to hand the invites in front of you, talk about rubbing your nose in it
If you do happen to go, make sure you get a truly hideous wedding gift.
I feel very outraged on your behalf

BumbleBeee69 · 05/12/2019 21:45

I'm still fuming for you OP.. it's the manner in which they handed out these invites that angers me so much... so fucking arrogant and rude. Flowers

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/12/2019 21:46

@Dustarr73 yes I can. I'm in a relationship of just about a year. I've had a previous marriage of 20 years. Both relationships are of value. Length of time is no indicator of the seriousness of a relationship, nor is living together, getting married or any of the narrow-minded pathetic definitions of what constitutes a serious relationship in this society on MN.

chocolatefudgecake17 · 05/12/2019 22:02

Op you must be so hurt. They've been so cruel. I was invited to Dh's sisters wedding, it was 3 months after we'd met and I only met his sister two week before her wedding. She asked him if he wanted a plus one for me. He said yes.

We had people we'd never met at our wedding. We wouldn't have expected anyone to come without their partner whether we knew them or not.

Your dp is almost as bad as his friends. I hope you're ok.Thanks

chocolatefudgecake17 · 05/12/2019 22:03

Two weeks*

Katgurl · 05/12/2019 22:24

You must have felt crushed at that dinner op. Rise above it and show them all how much better than them you are.

Ask the bride can you have a quick chat and forewarn her that it's awkward but you'd rather just have it out in the open. Suggest a call or a coffee.

Get into a really really friendly mood. No hostility at all.

When you talk start by saying again that this is awkward and you are not trying to cause any hostility or problems between long standing friendships. Then say simply that you had assumed - quite possibly naively - that you would be invited given you became friendly but that it is absolutely fine to have been mistaken. However at the dinner you felt very hurt and a little humiliated when the invites were handed out. Then being asked to dog sit made you feel a little used.

Then just see what she says.

Also as a pp said, you keep talking about the friendship group but it's your boyfriend's group. Have you let your own friendships slide? Time to reprioritise them. I'd be making my own plans this Friday. No way would I stand then listening to wedding chat.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/12/2019 22:32

@Teapot77 The 'no ring, no bring' includes married and living together couples as well as engaged couples.

I'm not saying I agree with the rule, just that it exists.

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