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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 05/12/2019 15:01

So you has been together few months when they got engaged

You then met them and socailised lots

2mths later a Save the date came to just him - fair enlightening only been together 4/5mths

6mth later you met up weekly and now invites given out and you not on it

It’s rude - I would have to say to bride or get dp to say / why did you not invite teapot - we have been together for a year and will be almost 18mths at wedding

If it was a wedding locally fair enough

But as it’s abroad and dp goes on holiday /away without you For 10 days

He needs to ask why you aren’t invited

charm8ed · 05/12/2019 15:03

Maybe they just had a policy of inviting only couples that are living together or married.

summersherewishiwasnt · 05/12/2019 15:07

How shit your dp needs to ask. How is it offensive to ask when you all consider each other friends?

Teaandcrisps · 05/12/2019 15:12

They sound like horrible friends to your OH - they must have known (if not then but now) that it would cause tension between you and your OH! What do you take from this - that they are crap friends to your OH and they will certainly never be your friends.

I would also be very wary about your OH. He hasn't had your back and by going along with all of this, well I'm sorry but he isnt putting you first at all.

What would I do? Straight up place all this crap on your OHs plate where it belongs - tell him that you would have expected him to stand up for you and your relationship rather than stand by and watch you be humiliated.

And then tell him that from now on you are taking a break from his friends, no more handy occasions for them to.leave you out/talk about weddings/holiday/dog sitting. That's it from now on. Hes welcome to them, but each time he goes to.them make it.clear that he is putting them first.

Sorry but you have to find out if this fella of yours is a keeper or not...

wafflyversatile · 05/12/2019 15:14

I doubt there is malice involved. Whenever people have a wedding they have to draw a line somewhere on who they invite. So I would invite my siblings and their children (my DNs) and my aunts and uncles and my cousins but not my cousins' children. Some people invite plus ones for all friends they invite even if they are single. some only invite married or cohabiting couples and people don't always consider that the line they draw can end up with odd-looking exclusions. It is possible, I suppose, there is one longstanding member of the group who doesn't like you and said they won't come if you do.

Expecting people to take a 10 day long holiday and travel at great expense for their wedding is quite an ask, tbh. It's not only a 10 day holiday you're not on, it's 10 days taken from the time you and DP could have been together on another holiday.

Is the wedding 10 days, where all guests are expected to spend the days together?

Some options:

DP says, Me and Teapot have decided to have a little tour of SA and I'll see you on the day. you two have a holiday and you can have a day or two doing your own thing while he attends the wedding.

DP RSVPs formally saying he is unable to attend. They will then ask why and he can say he's decided he can't spare the annual leave after you and him have a holiday and other times off.

Your DP goes on holiday and wedding and you stay home.

Your DP travels there for just enough time to attend the wedding.

Don't be so available to look after their dog.

MitchellMummy · 05/12/2019 15:15

I disagree with the 'plus ones' not being a thing any more. Fair enough if it's a UK/local wedding but on a two week holiday it's usually fair to say that people can do their own thing outwith the organised events. It's a bit unfair on the two couples if OP's partner goes alone as they will (naturally) not want to leave him on his own to go shopping/sightseeing/having a break from people etc.

blubberyboo · 05/12/2019 15:24

Whatever their reasons for not inviting you it is a little shortsighted of them...at some point down the line you may get married to each other and will also be sending out wedding invites. Presumably they’ll both want an invite to your wedding...not just one of them.

But for now I think you need to calmly hold your head up. Don’t cancel on Friday as the other 2 couples haven’t snubbed you so you don’t want to jeopardise those friendships.

They’ll not be able to resist talking about the wedding and travel plans so if you stay quiet they’ll have to broach the subject of why you weren’t invited.

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/12/2019 15:36

To be fair I think there are two points here.
The couple can invite who they want, its their wedding afterall. It would be unfair to basically ask your OH to fall out with them just because you werent invited (especially as he has already told you the reasons he thinks they couldnt invite you)
The scond point was how they invited everyone but you- that is incredible rude and I would feel totally upset if I was you too. I do think that your OH should point that out to them.

Notwiththeseknees · 05/12/2019 15:38

Thinking about it more, you aren't a plus one, you should have been mr coffee & ms tea in your own right. So, that would be the starting point.

I wouldn't make any noise tomorrow. I would arrange to go out elsewhere with your DP, somewhere nice and chat about it & how you both feel & take it from there. Don't let him tell the others why you both won't be there, just that you've arranged something else. Then next week ask one of the other couples if they knew you weren't invited & if so what was the reason. Keep your powder dry.

For the medium term, you & DP should perhaps do some other things & open yourselves to new friendships.

What they did though was nasty and the way they did it was vile. Do you think she might be feeling envious of you? You are clearly highly intelligent and a kind & thoughtful individual. Do you get on better with her DP than with her? Is he always pleased to see you & chat to you? If so, she could be suffering from green-eyed monster syndrome.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 05/12/2019 15:43

@Notwiththeseknees I can't think of any reason she'd be envious of me but you never know. I wouldn't say I get on with her finance better but he's a lot more chatty than she is. With her it's me making conversation which I didn't mind as I was making an effort with partners friends...

OP posts:
Ginseng1 · 05/12/2019 15:45

This is so rude. If I was your boyfriend I'd be really hurt too but sounds like he is making excuses for them. There's no way I'd tag along either without an invite & even now if he has to ask it would totally sour my relationship with them that they did this in the first place.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/12/2019 15:47

Where is the Stag do? Is it also a destination holiday? sorry I have read the thread but I think i might have missed that.

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2019 15:48

Im sorry OP but I think this is all your DP, he could have made a case for you but hasnt bothered

Whoops75 · 05/12/2019 15:52

I think you should be unavailable on Friday so your dp can ask them what’s going on.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 05/12/2019 15:54

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff the stag is in a UK city!

OP posts:
Genevieva · 05/12/2019 15:58

I never really understand why people behave like this. It is predictably hurtful and is unnecessary. All they had to do was communicate with you both first about their guest list so you knew where you stood and didn't get a nasty shock in the middle of a nice meal out with friends.

If you can get through problems like this without arguing, it bodes well for your relationship, so focus on the positive. You can always use the fact that 2020 is a leap year as an excuse to propose to him.

GabriellaMontez · 05/12/2019 15:59

They expect him to give up 10 days annual leave and pay to go to S.A. but won't permit him to bring his partner?!

I love a night out with out dp but I wouldn't dream of doing this. Does he have no self respect? Certainly has no respect for you.

GabriellaMontez · 05/12/2019 16:01

Propose to him?! Why? She isn't his priority. They're not a team. Sorry op. Please don't settle for this.

CharlotteMD · 05/12/2019 16:02

I can see why you're upset but it's not your BF's fault and he has said he'll have a word so I would be careful waving a shitty stick in his face and jeopardizing what looks like a promising relationship. I doubt they have anything against you personally so you'll probably get to go to the ball. Just try and relax a little.

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 16:07

I'd find it totally cringe to ask my mate why my boyfriend wasn't invited to their wedding in a year's time abroad

And I would find it totally cringe to exclude someone's partner when I was having a destination wedding. This isn't down the road in the UK, not even in Europe, it's going to be very expensive to spend 10 days in South Africa.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/12/2019 16:08

Your DP is quite involved in this wedding if he's planning the stag do. It is not like he is a third cousin they see once every 3 years who has a new girlfriend they've never met.
As pps have said, its not your DP's fault that they've done this, but would be very keen to hear what response he gets when he asks them why. Friday is a tricky one though. I'd rather know before then as it would affect whether I went or not.

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 16:10

I think I would have finished the dinner, gone home asked partner how he felt etc and messaged the bride the following day saying I felt hurt I didn't have a invite for my partner and was there a reason for this

At the dinner, I would have said "this invitation is only for me, I assume Teapot is invited too ha ha".

I know that will send some people on this thread into apoplexy.

Silverstreaks · 05/12/2019 16:13

They were incredibly rude and thoughtless to give the invitations out in that manner. Alternatively it was malicious and meant to hurt you.
Either way no more dog sitting just in case they really are setting you up for a 10 day stint in the future. And I wouldn't bother attending the get together tomorrow. Tell you partner to tell everybody the truth, that you are upset to be left out of the holiday/wedding.

CharlotteMD · 05/12/2019 16:14

" I'd find it totally cringe to ask my mate why my boyfriend wasn't invited to their wedding in a year's time abroad "

I'm afraid I agree.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 05/12/2019 16:19

I don't think it's anyone's 'fault' at all I'm just upset by how the couple went about it and by the reaction from partner.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I couldn't agree more, it's not like they never see us/him. I just find the whole thing bizarre, if they haven't got the numbers then that's absolutely fine but don't give the invites out in front of me when they haven't offered any explanation or apology! Frustrating!

OP posts:
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