AIBU regarding wedding invite?

[Teapot77]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

My friends, some of whom I've been through "thick and thin " have regularly changed throughout my life. School friends, work friends, friends made after having children etc. All vary and change through time. The same will happen with these friends as life changes like marriage, house moves, children, happen in the future.

My one constant is my husband who has been there since I met him on my 22nd birthday. (I am a lot older than that now).

Very classy response to my question Teapot and IMO exactly how it should have been handled by your DP.

I am so sorry for how you are feeling but I think you have pretty much answered your own questions now. you are far too good for these cretins

The OPs reaction on this will indicate how seriously he takes this relationship and how he views their longer term future.

A year is not a short relationship. It is long enough to be viewed as an established couple.

*OP's partner's reaction.

@Rafflesway I think I would have finished the dinner, gone home asked partner how he felt etc and messaged the bride the following day saying I felt hurt I didn't have a invite for my partner and was there a reason for this?

I would have been 100% on his side but I don't feel he is 100% with me on this sad

He doesn't feel the same, he's not as gutted and doesn't see this as as big a deal as you do. I'd find it totally cringe to ask my mate why my boyfriend wasn't invited to their wedding in a year's time abroad. You're obsessing about this and none of them is giving this a second thought.

You've assigned 'partner' status to him and it doesn't seem like any of them are on the same page as that.

Why not just continue to enjoy the relationship for what it is right now? Because if you can't, it might be time to move on.

How do you know this bollocks 'thick and thin' stuff? You have no idea about that. And here we go again with the 'only been with him a year' like the OP doesn't matter.

Haha i dont know.But thats the point none of us know why @Teapot77 wasnt invited.

'only been with him a year' like the OP doesn't matter. Ok how about she only knows her ops friends a year

YANBU. Their rudeness in handing out the invites under your very nose is staggering. If I were your DP, I'd be saying that they have the right to invite whoever they want but asking for an explaination of why they went about it in the way they did, since it clearly upset you and did they think that wouldn't have an impact on his relationship with you? They saw you were upset and yet they said and did nothing, not even speaking to him to explain, which is what I would have done?
You are part of their regular socialising friendship group. That means you are no stranger to them and their friends.
10 days in South Africa is a big ask, and if I were the bride, I wouldn't be putting obstacles in the way of a close friend attending.
Your partner should be reflecting, as others have said on the impact that has on your annual leave and holiday budget as a couple.
Plus does he really expect you to attend regular social functions with this "friendship group" for the next six months listening to plans about the exciting destination wedding?

Its so awkward for you, as I can see it's difficult to dodge out of the get togethers without looking sulky, but then why go to be made miserable.
If he really can't discuss this with them on your behalf.. he should be asking on his own part at least, about the position they are putting him in. And also he should be much more worried about the impact on you than them.

I've tried to explain to him that by them not giving him a plus 1 (whether that's me or not) is unfair and unkind towards him.

I'm not sure that is the angle to take. Plus ones seem to be dying out, as a thing. It'd be necessary if he didn't know anyone else, but his friends are there - he'll have people to socialise with. I haven't had a wedding invite with a plus one for years, and Google suggests that they are declining. As weddings have got more expensive, I think the number of people willing to pay for strangers to attend has gone down - especially as there is no possibility of an evening invite in this instance.

If he talks to them, it should be about leaving you out specifically, although I'd have a think about what your ideal outcome is here before he does that. Are you hoping they'll invite you? That you can go on the trip but not to the wedding? That DP doesn't go? It feels like it'll be awkward whatever happens now.

I've tried to explain to him that by them not giving him a plus 1 (whether that's me or not) is unfair and unkind towards him.

I agree with AnchorDownDeepBreath that this is not the angle to take. I think inviting him without a plus 1 is perfectly acceptable as he will know lots of people there. While I would be upset at not being invited to the wedding, I would probably let that go, while noting that they are not particularly good friends.

However, handing out the invitations in front of someone who is not invited goes beyond rude. That is what I would be focusing on and that is what would probably lead to me not socialising with that couple again.

It was a major snub to you, and by extension, to your dp. If he says anything to the couple, that is what he should be focusing on. A previous poster suggested some excellent wording to use when approaching them. Basically, focus on the obvious rudeness, while accepting that they are well within their rights not to invite you. However, the way it was handled was not acceptable and your dp should let them know that. He most definitely should not ask for a plus 1.

It would be interesting to know how other invitees with bfs/gfs (ie not married, living with, engaged) were treated. Were they also not given '+ 1s'? I mentioned before that there can be a 'no ring, no bring' rule as a way to keep down the numbers. If the B&G are going by that rule then OP and her bf are being treated the same as other couples. If not, then there's got to be a reason behind the lack of invite.

‘Not giving him a plus one is unfair and unkind to him....’
but he’s with friends he’s known for a long time, he knows the groom so well he’s helped to organise his stag do. He’s not going to be a third wheel, he’s with his friends

@AcrossthePond55 the other couples in our friendship group live together but neither are engaged or married...

‘Not giving him a plus one is unfair and unkind to him according to you op.
the other couples in our friendship group live together but neither are engaged or married...

Which you are neither.

Please dont ask your dp to ask for a plus one.You will just put him in an awkward situation.They didnt invite you,for whatever reason.Which is their perogitive

@Teapot77 you keep referring to them all being in your friendship group...but it’s not actually your personal friendship group is it? It’s your BF’s friendship group, to which you have been integrated.

Where are your friends? Your pre BF friends? It’s time to take a major step back from these people and focus on your own friendships and relationships.

It's up to him to decide if not getting a plus 1 is unfair on him. You two don't need to be joined at the hip. He doesn't need your permission to go to the wedding of a long established friend. He doesn't need you to be invited in order for him to go. It would be nice if you were invited, and there is no denying the couple handled it appallingly. But.. He is an adult. You are an adult. Neither of you need the other to be constantly present.

Hypothetical situation.. You're both invited. Turns out you're afraid of flying, or can't go, or don't want to go, or don't like the bride/groom whatever. Should he also then not go because you can't, or don't want to?

If it were the other way around and there was even a hint of your bf stopping you from going to a longterm friends wedding because he wasn't going there would be uproar.

Your bf will make his own decision and I think he is within his right to attend if that's what he wants. You are also within your rights to end the relationship if you think that's a dick move.

But, all this could be irrelevant by the time the wedding comes around anyway!
-You could be invited in the meantime
-He might not be able to go
-You might have split up
-They might have split up!

The couple were shitty. Your bf cannot be blamed for being invited to be a guest at something.

Not even got to the end of the thread yet but if I was in this position, yes I'd think the bride was incredibly rude and bad mannered for the way in which the invitations were distributed and given you and DP are an established couple it would be normal to gave some kind of explanation eg only 20 guest and another 10 couples had to dtop a partner.

Mainly if I was in this position it would not be a case if waiting to see if I was offered a +1 at a later date, which means nothing now, it would have me utterly considering the state of my own relationship. A partner who us more worried about speaking up and upsetting his friends than upsetting you? A partner who still intends to throw himself full on into the celebration knowing full on how upset you are?

This would put an enormous strain on my relationship and have me considering how important I was to my partner.

My opinion is determined to go, he should scrap the holiday aspect ho there for a couple of days before the wedding to de-jet lag ho to the wedding and come straight back, and back out of all the stag party antics so much. He can tell them why, although he'll see them married, his relationship with you is more valuable than a holiday and even if you're given a plus one he doesnt consider upu second best, even if they do.

I reckon you’ve been earmarked to look after the dog OP.

The bride and groom were really shitty in their way of handling this. This speaks volumes about them.

Your OH is being pretty shitty in not getting how hurtful this is to you. I’m sorry but this speaks volumes about him, his allegiances to his friends and where you fall in the pecking order.

I’ve no advice about how to handle it other than do not agree to look after their dog!

I'd forgive them the lack on invite, as others say it is their prerogative.

HOWEVER the way they dished out the invitations was beyond crass and rude.

You're good enough to help them with THEIR dog, but not good enough to be ACTUALLY grateful and show that gratitude by extending an invitation.

I'd stop all dog sitting, I'd not go out on Friday and TBH if the boyf didn't think twice about rewarding this rude pair with the stag(s) and the holiday, that would mean a lot of rethinking about the relationship

FWIW, one of the reasons I ended it with one guy I'd been with a year was similar. His batshit aunt had invited him and him only (although she had form for excluding his own ds from Christmas). My issue was not with the lack of invitation, it was the fact he never even mentioned the wedding until the week before, and certainly didn't think to manage my feelings. That dented things for me.

Then a subsequent conversation just before the 1 year anniversary showed that he was only with me because it was convenient to him.

As sad as I was to do it, I ended things. I don't regret it for a second. I knew I deserved someone who WOULD think about how I felt, and would make sure I was not offended. Who was with me because they loved being with me etc etc.

I have that now, I have that in spades. How your boyf handles this is critical.

I would have been 100% on his side but I don't feel he is 100% with me on this

No I don't think he is either and that's where your problem lies. A man who really loves you and puts you above all and everyone else would have said straight away, "Hey, where's Teapot's invite? I'm not going without her!"

I also wouldn't worry about him being the fifth wheel with 2 couples. If they're friends, they're friends. The other 2 couples are unlikely to sit around smooching and ignoring your boyfriend! They'll be a group of friends.

I do agree though that I think you need to concentrate on your own friendships and not rely so heavily on your boyfriend's friends.

YANBU at all . The behaviour of the couple is rude in the extreme and very ignorant.
I’d be inclined to make it clear to your partner that an invitation extended to you as a second thought if someone else drops out just won’t be acceptable to you and surely he can see why .
Maybe the cheeky couple have you earmarked as dog sitter whilst they are away ? Make sure you have the number of a good boarding kennels to pass to them when the time comes .

It sounds like a very extreme version of "no ring no bring".
Has your DP not been clear that you are a long term pertinent?
Regardless I think that's rude and to do the reveal in public very hurtful.

This whole thing is just so absolutely horrible for you,I think your boyfriend needs to stand with you on this,decline wedding and any stag parties etc and you are together a year.They are incredibly mean to your boyfriend expecting him to holiday 10 days in SA on his own.Also asking you to dog sit and then not inviting you and also you have been out with the bride for nights out.None of this makes any sense at all in fact it's way beyond childish and mean.Extremely cheeky if you ask me.

Oh please don't ask him to ask for an invite for you because even if they do extend an invite it's all ruined and you would be spending all your holidays and money to go to a wedding that you feel you invited yourself.Any way if you both get married only invite the got leave those pair of ducks at home to mind each other

Sorry i meant DICKS ,ducks are nice