AIBU regarding wedding invite?

[Teapot77]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

Op , can you go for the holiday but just not attend the wedding. It's crap but at least you wouldn't miss out on the holiday?

@XJerseyGirlX I just think it would be too humiliating and awkward for me. I just know I wouldn't enjoy it and don't want to spend a fair amount of money on something I know I'm not going to enjoy.

Unbelievable behaviour. Though some weddings are truly awful and I'd rather be at home looking after the dog ... not sure how I'd react but I'd be thinking about going on the Friday night meet up ... but if the chat turns to 'how great the SA holiday is going to be' I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of 'well I think I'll leave you all to chat about the holiday' and go home (if that's logistically possible without your DP).

I think you really need to think about your friends and dp. It's clear none of them really care.

I would honestly think it would make them
Look worse than you if you went. I'm hoping your dp can see how mean his friends really are xx

Fuck that OP. This has happened to me OP. They know exactly what they're doing.

Good enough to look after their dog but not go the wedding!

This happened to me with DPs friendship group. I eventually got an eve invite several weeks before clearly when there was a cancellation and they were making up numbers. Bollocks to that ! I didn't go! Then was the bad guy for not going

I went away with some friends instead

Thankfully they are all not that close anymore because of their pathetic petty shit ! I'm not sad !

I think your friends are assholes.
If you had only known them for 4 months at this point I could totally understand you not being invited. But you socialise with them as a couple, as an individual and you are good enough to watch their dog.
Save the dates aren’t a legal document that can’t be changed. When I got married some people who got a save the date didn’t get an invite (family fall out) and there was a few guests who got invites but didn’t get save the dates because between the save the dates going out and the invite list being drawn up I had become close to a new friend and it would have seemed really weird to leave them out.

But even if they already had their numbers and there was no wiggle room whatsoever - there is no excuse for handing out invites the way they did. That was rude and insensitive. If numbers is the reason they could have handled it a lot better. But handing out the invites and you are the only one without one and not even addressing it with you? They are a shower of shits for that.

As it is a destination wedding I do think it’s bizarre they aren’t giving guests a plus one. You can’t expect people to go to that expense, use up their limited holiday time and expect them to go alone.

Maybe its your DP they don’t think much of. He’s expected to take 10 days hols and fork out 1/3 for a villa, but sit about like a single spare wheel. It’s he who should be considering his place in the friendship group. Any questioning of the B&G (if he wants to) should be about how HE has been belittled (if that’s the right word).

If the stag has been arranged, has the hen been arranged too?

I wouldn’t be asking for an invite, hold your head high and be the great person you are, but step back from the bride.

I can sort of understand that he also is very torn and doesn't know how best to approach it.

But part of committing to a serious long-term (even lifelong) relationship is actively taking the decision that you will put that person and your relationship first, even sometimes above long-standing friendships. If you don’t feel secure that you are his number one (and that he is yours) then it doesn’t bode well for the future.

I hope she has biltong stuck between her teeth in all the wedding photos.

Wow! How utterly rude to hand out the invites like that!! I wouldn't dream of inviting someone to wedding on their own if they weren't single. When they got engaged means feck all. I would probably arrange an alternative getaway for the same time, so even if they do come back with an invite you'll already have plans. Don't mind the dog anymore.

I think the Simpkin approach is a good one. They have definitely gone off the scale in terms of rudeness - in terms of delivery, public exclusion and humiliation and the lack of any explanation (not that it could be in anyway justifiable). Even if they had a 'no ring, no bring' rule, and were extending it to include the other couples. You are clearly a long-established couple and that is enough. If you were to split before their 'big day' then that is your problem & nothing to do with them.

Personally, unless they gave me personally sincere apology for their oversight I would not accept a belated 'plus one'. If DP chose to go, I would be booking a fabulous yoga retreat/trip to the Andes/India and having a fabulous time without him. He sounds as upset as you are - he shouldn't go cap in hand - just tell them - she's not just your dog sitting staff - she's my forever plus one!
If he just meekly accepts it though, I would be rethinking my future it's someone who wasn't prepared to fight my corner.

FWIW, I would probably not spend much time socialising with them in future, so they won't be expecting a housewarming invite from you next year. But you could invite the dog

I agree with Medievalist and Simkin too!

However, I am intrigued to know how the conversation went around the dinner table whilst the OP was in the toilet in obvious distress. ☹️ Please don't try and tell me the wedding invitations weren't discussed as that just insults the OP's intelligence! 😡

Not being together long enough is ridiculous. I too belong to the club where DH and I were engaged after 11 months together and married 11 months later. Been together 42 years! I am amazed at your DP's lack of reaction. 🙄. I know for a fact my DH would have been livid - and boy would they have known it - had any of his friends treated me in this manner even before we were engaged.
The fact he seems to need prompting to actually do anything would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. 😡

So for all the typos, ranting & repetition - I'm just tying angrily on your behalf!

You have to have some fucking front to pass out invites in front of someone you're not inviting, absolutely shocking behaviour! I do wonder though if the Bride has not invited you purposely so she can leave her dog with you? Or if your DP hasn't really made it clear that you're in a serious relationship, maybe he doesn't talk about you much with them. Either way it's a shitty thing to do to someone, my only advice is to not ask for a +1 and as a PP said maintain your own social life. You are not available for free dog sitting duties, fuck them!

@Notwiththeseknees I just feel so gutted... it's difficult to not socialise with them as they are part of the friendship group and we often do things together as a group. I don't want to look like the shit stir by choosing not to go if they are going to be there, not sure if that's worth the hassle ?

Still undecided about Friday? Surely it would be really obvious as to the reason I didn't attend, wouldn't it be more awkward if I didn't go on Friday?

Not sure I'm making any sense!

Teapot what would you have done had the situation been totally reversed, I.e. all the couples were YOUR friends, your DP was the dog sitter who had socialised with all couples most weekends and alone, on occasion, with the groom and the same situation had occurred?

Would you have reacted immediately, spoken to friends the following day or just told your DP that you didn't want to upset anyone? 🤔

I wouldn't go, you're hurt, your DP should also be hurt tbh and it's weird that he isn't.

The wedding is undoubtedly going to be mentioned and it's just going to be salt in the wound. They were so rude to hand out the invitations in front of you. I can kinda understand you not getting an invite as you hadn't been together long when the save the dates went out, but to exclude you, not tell you beforehand what their reasoning was and to snub you in public just beggars belief tbh. I wouldn't be able to look at them the same.

I would actually go Friday and give them a chance to redeem themselves, they may surprise you. If it ends up rubbish then you know where you stand.

@Rafflesway I think I would have finished the dinner, gone home asked partner how he felt etc and messaged the bride the following day saying I felt hurt I didn't have a invite for my partner and was there a reason for this?

I would have been 100% on his side but I don't feel he is 100% with me on this :(

I do feel very sorry for you teapot. You have been treated very badly and it is very unfair.

I think your friendship with the bride and groom has probably been irreparably damaged by this regardless of whether a plus 1 follows.

I also think this is quite a crunch time for your relationship with your boyfriend.
In a good solid relationship, that will survive the test of time, each partner generally looks out for and supports the other. They prioritise their relationship with each other above their friends. Friends are important but a partner that you intend to remain with for your lifetime, to potentially have children with, is more important.

I’d interpret the non invite as that they didn’t like me & would not socialize with them again, starting with Friday & never dog sit again, flowers for you

OP, I would feel exactly the same as you do and I'm usually firmly in the 'they can invite or not invite whoever they want' camp.

I think the lack of invite was quite cruel.

If he goes it's he seriously expected to pay a third of the villa not a fifth? If they self cater will he pay for a third of the shopping or a fifth?
If he goes and you do not go will he gave enough holidays and money to still do something with you?
Whether the lack of invitation is down to numbers, and it might be that they feel that they have to miss you out cos they've missed someone else out and they've been together longer than you or whatever. The way they've gone about it is shit

The same friends that have been there through thick and thin.Whereas op has only been with him a year.

How do you know this bollocks 'thick and thin' stuff? You have no idea about that. And here we go again with the 'only been with him a year' like the OP doesn't matter.