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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
meyouandlulutoo · 05/12/2019 10:52

Op, I laugh at all the posters who say you haven't been with your boyfriend long enough to be invited to his friends wedding. I married my husband 6 months after we met and we are still together 47 years later. So yes you can be very serious after a short time, I know very well my DH wouldn't have given up 10 days of his annual holiday to go to a wedding without me no matter how long he had known those friends. I agree with the PP who say you should examine your relationship, especially as the invitations had been handed out in such a hurtful and crass manner he should be rethinking his friendship with these people too. Of course B&G can invite who they like to their wedding but they don't sound like very nice people, and if I were you I wouldn't even consider accepting an invitation now if it is extended to you. I am upset for you too Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 05/12/2019 10:54

aww that's shitty especially since it's a trip abroad.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/12/2019 10:54

also don't mind her dog again!

Original poster
Teapot77 · 05/12/2019 10:55

It's all a big mess, I can't think straight about it and don't know what to do next. Having second thoughts about asking bf to ask about the plus 1....

OP posts:
SpiderCharlotte · 05/12/2019 10:57

@Teapot77 In all honesty, I don't know what I would do. I wouldn't want to ask for an invitation and I definitely wouldn't go on the holiday. I would be hurt by your DP's response at sticking up for them rather than supporting you tbh. It's a shit situation.

Delatron · 05/12/2019 11:00

Ah Teapot it’s awful they have made you feel this way. I think he could just have a general chat about it with them? It’s a long way for him to go without you and will impact on the holidays you have together this year.

nzeire · 05/12/2019 11:03

This is horrid.
I think I’d be stepping back for a bit. It’s ok for them to know they’ve upset you. I certainly wouldn’t be going to the wedding if an invite was to come, no bloody way

Simkin · 05/12/2019 11:09

I think this from medievalist is a good thing to say to DP.

I don't think he should ask at all but SHOULD say to them that he understands it's entirely up to them who they invite but, just so they know, you and he are a very serious item. He should also say that HE was very upset that they chose to hand out invitations in a way that was so hurtful to you and failed to offer you any sort of apology or explanation for doing so.

And if he can't, well, have a thing about the long term. You need someone to be on your side if you're in it for keeps.

BustedDreams · 05/12/2019 11:12

@Teapot77 if I was in same position I’d just carry on. I wouldn’t expect my partner to ask about +1 either. They know who’ve they’ve invited and are also aware of whom they haven’t (you). Also plan your own holiday at the same time and don’t under any circumstances dog sit their dog ever again.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 05/12/2019 11:19

Just because OP and her DO had only been together 4 months when the save the dates went out doesn't mean that OP couldn't be invited.

Save the dates are not invitations, and I wouldn't base a guest list on who had received one.

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 11:20

he doesn't want to say anything as doesn't want to upset anyone

But he is upsetting someone - you!

I think it's ok for him to go to the wedding but he should decline the holiday and say he's going away with you instead. When is the stag do, is that here or also in SA?

Original poster
Teapot77 · 05/12/2019 11:23

@Simkin I think that is the approach I'm going to take... although maybe not today! Think I feel too upset!

@BlaueLagune the stag is in a UK city in April.

OP posts:
Canadianpancake · 05/12/2019 11:24

If you ask them about the +1 and they then invite you, would you be comfortable going? And if you then chose not to go it may come across as churlish. I wouldn't ask about the +1, DP needs to make up his own mind if he's going and you need to widen your friendship circle. It's lovely to have coupley friends, but these don't seem like coupley friends, they seem like your boyfriend's friends.

Dustarr73 · 05/12/2019 11:26

@BlaueLagune how is her dp upsetting the op.Its out of his control.He cant make demands about her being invited.

I think it's ok for him to go to the wedding but he should decline the holiday and say he's going away with you instead. When is the stag do, is that here or also in SA?

Really its his long time friends wedding.The same friends that have been there through thick and thin.Whereas op has only been with him a year.

Dustyroad63 · 05/12/2019 11:27

I really feel for you teapot. I think they are being shitty. The invite thing was nasty.
You've been together a year and they are expecting him to go on a ten day holiday paid for by himself and taking time off from work without a partner or plus one.
And all the others are couples?
He should be pissed right off as well as you.
Every day and night of the 10 days he's surrounded by people doing things together as couples and enjoying a lovely holiday while his partner is at home as not deemed important enough to invite.
I'd pass if I were him. They obviously don't care about his happiness.

usernamerisnotavailable · 05/12/2019 11:34

Agree with simkin and medievalist. Totally.

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 11:34

As for "not being together long enough" it's not for other people to make an assessment of how serious your relationship is. I had people at my wedding who were plus-ones and I'd not met them before the wedding. A couple of them ended up marrying my friends, the others didn't and I've never seen them again. I had a couple of single friends where I didn't say "plus one" but had they contacted me and asked if they could bring someone I would have said yes as I can't know the ins and outs of all my friends' relationships especially when they don't live locally.

These people socialise with the OP, it's madness not to invite her.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 05/12/2019 11:35

@Dustyroad63 I've tried to explain to him that by them not giving him a plus 1 (whether that's me or not) is unfair and unkind towards him. He is expected to go away with all couples and hasn't been given the option to take someone with him. I feel angry for him but he doesn't seem to have thought what it will be like him going away for 10 days as the 5th wheel!!!

OP posts:
BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 11:36

how is her dp upsetting the op

By saying that he won't ask them if she's invited. it's a question, nothing more!

Really its his long time friends wedding.The same friends that have been there through thick and thin.Whereas op has only been with him a year

So he goes to the wedding, he doesn't have to go on holiday with them as well.

MiniPanda · 05/12/2019 11:37

You have two options here, either continue to let it fester and breed resentment, or face it head on and hope to at least understand how/why the decision was made.

In your shoes, as uncomfortable as it may be, I would probably just speak to the bride and say something along the lines of you understand that they may be limited in terms of numbers/budget when it comes to the wedding and completely respect their decision to invite whoever they choose as it is their wedding after all, but that you were a little hurt by how they handled the invitations, especially as you consider them to be good friends. Then see what she says, at least that way you'll know where you stand moving forward.

Waitrosescheapestvodka · 05/12/2019 11:39

We got married abroad (bit closer than SA though! An easyjet job rather than BAGrin) We wouldn't have dreamed of not inviting partners/boyfriends/children, because people are travelling for your wedding. How bloody cheeky to not allow them to bring their partner when they are doing you a massive favour by boarding a plane and using their holiday allowance for you.

icantbecani · 05/12/2019 11:40

A friend of mine got married and didn't invite my bf at the time. Who I lived with and had a baby with. Wedding was full of hangers on so I knew from that exactly what she thought of me. I didn't go. She realised how shitty she was being eventually and invited my dp but we still didn't go (had made plans to do something else by then). Our friendship drifted apart as a result of this but from my perspective she was incredibly rude and no way was I going to be there just to make up the numbers.

TheRightHonerable · 05/12/2019 11:40

I hate to say it OP but DP’s lack of reaction doesn’t bode well does it?

I think I’d be equally hurt by that.

I’d be very displeased if someone invited me to a wedding but not DH. If you don’t care enough to extend US an invite then don’t bloody bother inviting one of us! Yes we may choose for one of us to attend and not the other - especially whilst DS is small...but that’s our choice not theirs 😡

Waitrosescheapestvodka · 05/12/2019 11:40

That's ignoring that they socialise with you and you do them favours. Save the dates are irrelevant, it's not like they set numbers in stone.

Bastards.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 05/12/2019 11:42

@TheRightHonerable I do feel hurt by his reaction but given how torn I feel about what to do I can sort of understand that he also is very torn and doesn't know how best to approach it.

OP posts:
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