AIBU regarding wedding invite?

[Teapot77]

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

Yes, they did “save the date”quite early in your relationship but now you became a part of the group and friends with them (or at least how you felt about it). I wonder how this couple see your relationship with your partner in general. And the fact that you don’t live together is red herring. People often don’t live together or have distance relationship nowadays e.g. because of jobs related issues.
I would expect your partner politely to ask what happened and why you ( you personally) wasn’t invited. And I would expect him to decline invite politely if you are not invited. It’s a big ask to go to SA for 10 days. It would be a main holiday of the year and I would want to share it with my partner.
And it would be a deal breaker for me in these circumstances.

It’s reasonable not to invite you; you are a new girlfriend and the rest are long term friends. It’s not like it’s a wedding down the road, it’s a 10 day event thousands of miles away, they’ve not got a “invite you to the evening do” option. If you don’t live together then to most people you are dating, not ‘partners.’

You’re overthinking this.
Handing out invitations in front of you was rude, but I’d put it down to their excitement when with their mates rather than spite. You aren’t that important to them (yet)
You’re the very nice young lass their old mate is currently dating. Time will resolve this one way or the other.

I think it's rude to your dp to expect him to go on holiday with friend couples when he's got a plus one. Third wheeling it. It's not like it's not like it's half an hr away. It's ten days!

I had a similar-ish situation regarding wedding invitations, (although I didn't have a partner) and it has had massive repurcussions on our friendship. I didnt query it at all and she is still there at (really big) group social events but i have mentally downgraded her. She, to me, is now on the periphery of 'people I know' rather than a good friend. It's humiliating and I couldn't forget that.

Bottom line is, a real friend wouldn't do this to you. So she's just someone you know, no more than that. In the same way you know your corner shop staff or the window cleaner etc.

They would have sent the save the date when they booked the numbers based on not even having met you, 4 months into your relationship. It’s a shame they don’t seem to have a wriggle room.

The lack of explanation is the dick move.

@greenlynx we don't live together due to job issues, logistics wouldn't work currently. I'm planning on moving jobs mid next year at which time we would move in together (this has been discussed) so I would hope that this isn't a reason for the non-invite but who knows!

I'm in the minority here but have just been on the other side of it, where at a good friend's wedding, people in our friendship group weren't invited to make room for plus ones of other people who we didn't know. Apparently the B&G were pressured into inviting these plus ones who had been in relationships for less than a year.

You don't have a right to go to a wedding of people you have known for 8 months, given that any seat you take will have to be found from somewhere.

I think that not inviting any established couples as couples lacks manners and class. I also think handing out invitations in front of people who are part of your regular social group but aren’t invited is extremely rude.

Sure, they don’t HAVE to invite anyone but why on Earth rub your nose in it?

I have to agree with other posters - your boyfriend’s lack of action or concern is the real issue here, along with the fact you’re friends with people who are twits.

My (now DH) and I were serious from the outset. I had two friends get married in the period just after we got together and both extended him an invitation without any prompting from me.

So you can’t move together at the moment because of your job. Now I wonder even more why these friends don’t see you as a serous couple. Maybe they don’t see your DP as an important friend so you as his partner are even more further on their list.

He's going to ask the man before Friday if he will be getting a plus one to the wedding and based on the response I'll make my decision on how to proceed with their friendship
Please please don't do this - it is humiliating.
I agree with everything Arthritica says.

Your boyfriend should ask.

A local day/night wedding where they are really tight for money/numbers: reasonable to exclude you.

A 10 day holiday that boyfriend has to pay for: v unreasonable of them to not at least give him the flexibility/option to include you.

He should be asking them without your (or our!) prompt.

I'm sorry OP but they clearly don't think that your relationship is particularly serious (a version of 'no ring, no bring'). The only way they will have got this impression is from your DP. He needs to step up here and make it clear that you are a unit.

Maybe the b&g want people there they actually know.Having a few nights out and getting the op to mind the dog,shouldnt mean an automatic invite to their day.

Dont get your dp to ask,it will make the situation even more awkward.They dont want you there.As harsh as it seems thats what they feel.

I'd be hurt, its incredibly rude to invite a group of people to anything infront of the one person they are leaving out.

I'd also be upset they havent invited you - yes it's a relatively new relationship but they know you well enough to have socialised with you a few times, the bride has socialised with you alone so obviously enjoys your company and bizarrely they have entrusted you with the care of their pet on a few occasions! If they dont know you well enough to go to their wedding why the hell are they leaving their dog with you??

I think I'd get your boyfriend to speak to them and explain you will likely be living together by then so doesnt really want to go a relatively long, long haul holiday without you as that would be his main holiday for the year. If they say if course he can have an invite then that's fine, if they dont give one he can decide to decline, or you can go on holiday but not attend the wedding, or he can go there and back over a day or so (I dont think jet lag to SA is that bad). One thing is for sure, he cant expect your relationship with him to be the same if he jets off for 10 days without trying to include you, and cant expect your relationship with them to be the same knowing they have invited everyone else infront of your face. I mean even in primary school there are rules about handing out invites infront of people who arent going!

Asking for a 'plus one' reinforces the idea to everyone that you are not important. It sounds as if he would like to take someone but hasn't decided who!

I don't think he should ask at all but SHOULD say to them that he understands it's entirely up to them who they invite but, just so they know, you and he are a very serious item. He should also say that HE was very upset that they chose to hand out invitations in a way that was so hurtful to you and failed to offer you any sort of apology or explanation for doing so.

And all these people talking about what a short time you've been together, dh and I had been on a 3 week long haul holiday, got married and were expecting our first child within a year of getting together (26 years ago).

I suspect they didn't think you'd mind not being invited, hence the way that they gave out invitations. Your DP also doesn't seem surprised that you weren't invited. @Arthritica has really nailed all the reasons why, it's just circumstance - it's only been a year, you're more couple friends than individual friends, you don't live together yet, it's a 10-day trip on the other side of the world.

Ideally DP would have mentioned something, if he was going to, when he knew that you were in the toilet crying. That was his moment. Anything he says now will likely just cause awkward and strain - what could he say that they don't know already? He'll just force the situation so that they either explain that the guest list couldn't be increased but if someone drops out they'll extend you an invite, or they'll come to a compromise - perhaps that you go on the trip but not to the wedding? But at this point, they can't magic you a new invitation and make this all go away.

If they're good friends to you both, I wouldn't cut them off over this. I would step back if I needed to, for a bit.

it's only been a year,

Again! Do people go in for long 'courtships' these days?

^^ this!!

Why did he not say anything if he knew you was upset. I went out with a bunch of friends and had to go to the toilet with my baby and everyone at that table was asking my DH if everything was ok. And some of these people wasnt my friends but they was still worried as I'd been a while. Incidentally I was breast feeding and DD was and a week old so I was new to it and didn't want to do it in public. (I dont care now mind) however my point is why did no one else around the table say anything?? I dont believe they are your friends. Either that or they are very selfish.

It is a weird sort of wedding invite tbh.
If I were the DP, I would not want to go on my own, where the rest of the group were in couples. (maybe as a male, he does not mind this).
Or maybe he is expecting to take someone else.
Personally, these are the weddings I would avoid anyway.
It is basically, a 10 day holiday to a destination, not of your choosing, where you would be expected to participate of wedding preparation stuff (stag or hen drinking, etc), whereas you might prefer to do something else.
The way the invitation was given was very rude

OP it's sad how things have been done, but i agree with DarkOceanWater.
I don't think you or your DP should ask for your invitation. It's obvious that you are not invited and i don't think you should try to elbow into their wedding when clearly you were not in the intended guest list in the first place. Why should your dp ask them, i don't think there is any misunderstanding or missed invitation here. If u don't go on Friday n since couples A n B will be there the trip discussions will come up n your DP. Can briefly mention that it will be just him since you are not invited, end of.

It’s astonishing how many posters think it’s OK not to invite you. For a wedding abroad they must have had a dozen discussions about who to invite, or not. And they will have discussed your bf and whether to include you. All this “It’s their special day and they can do as they please” you read here time and time again is BS. You celebrate your relationship with family and friends, and you want your guests to be happy. If they value your bf they will include his partner.

As much as I know how much this hurts don't stop your DP from going to his friend's wedding and I think people on here are reading too much into how your DP reacted. It isn't his decision to make. You could end up spoiling your relationship with him.

I'm always confused by relationship lengths on MN. Personally I don't think a year is a new relationship , it seems pretty long to me.
The op and her DP have been in a committed relationship for 12 months not 12 days.
Just because they don't live together or are engaged shouldn't make any difference.

I think the length of the trip makes it even harsher. It's not like a brief jaunt to Spain, it's a long time and a long way to go, never mind the cost. It's like a double whammy, that you'll miss out on the event and the holiday as well - it's so unfair. Surely your bf doesn't want to leave you for all that time? Why didn't he speak up for you?

I even disagree that if you got together in December and they didn't do a save the date until April, that you'd not been together that long! That should be enough to ensure he got a plus 1! Why would anyone spend all that time and money going all that way, for 10 days, on their own, when everyone else they know at the wedding will be in a couple? I think it was very mean of them to leave you out, for the cost of one meal.. especially given you're good friends with them and do them favours. I know I'm rambling but I feel for you and this seems really unfair.

@SparklingSaskia I totally agree.

I also find the posts sniffing about their 'new' relationship so patronising and superior. It's been a year, it's not that new so trying to make the OP feel like she's not that important because they've not been together for 10 years is just shit. And before people say that this couple would have made their guest list when the OP and her DP had been together for 4 months - so what? A friend of mine had been with her boyfriend for 6 months when we got married and of course we invited him because he was her boyfriend. We've been married a long time now, and weddings seem to have changed so much now and not for the better.