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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 05/12/2019 05:31

I'm with @dontalltalkatonce you had met them a couple of times when they did their guest list. Save the dates were sent out only a month after you met. End of. That's it.

Yes you are getting on ok now. But tough. Guest list was already done.

Yes they were a little rude to make a big deal of handing out invitations in front of you. But there you are. You would be equally rude to ask for an invite to their wedding.

It had no bearing on your 'status in the group'. You just haven't known them long. 10 months wouldn't score an invite to my wedding. (I got married earlier this year and there were no plus ones. It was our friends only. Friends we have had for years and years. There were lots who weren't invited who could have been but we couldn't ask everyone.

sunshinekids · 05/12/2019 06:33

Do you think they want you to stay at home so you can look after their dog?

BossAssBitch · 05/12/2019 06:37

OP, I got married a couple of years ago, we had lots of plus ones we hadn’t met because we didn’t expect our recently coupled up friends to come to our wedding alone. Anyone with any class would do the same Hmm

hardyloveit · 05/12/2019 06:47

He has been friends with them a lot longer than you have been together. You can't say don't go, that's unfair!

You haven't been together long at all. That's it. End of.

I think it's embarrassing to ask for an invite.
If you don't live together etc they may not think your serious. It's a wedding invite, I think your way too invested in it tbh. You just need to accept the list was done before or very soon after you got with your boyfriend.

bert3400 · 05/12/2019 06:58

They both sound really mean (B&G) & your BoyF does not have your back or the ball to confront them.
I think after a year, you know whether this is a serious relationship and he should be putting you above his friends. Btw you sound lovely

Pinkyyy · 05/12/2019 07:06

They were rude to handle it they way they did and your DP clearly knows more than he's letting on. I wouldn't want to go as his '+1' that was added on because he asked.

SpiderCharlotte · 05/12/2019 07:12

No engagement, not living together does not count as serious enough to warrant a wedding invitation, in most circumstances.

Who decided on this rule then? I have friends who are not engaged or living together after 5 years and another couple who moved in together after 3 months. You might be surprised who the more serious couple is.

Ragglesnaggle · 05/12/2019 07:14

@Mumdiva99 a guestlist drawn up at the start of the year isn't a legal document that cannot be changed!
If the b&g considered OP a friend they would include her. Unfortunately they seem like a pair of arseholes happy to see/abuse her kindness when it suits them.

TidyDancer · 05/12/2019 07:16

They probably haven't invited you because it's a new relationship and you don't live together. Their choice in that respect is completely valid and understandable. What isn't okay is how they handed out the invitations. That's the thoughtless bit. I'm not seeing anything malicious in their behaviour but I do agree they have gone about in a bad way.

jay55 · 05/12/2019 07:34

How they handed out the invitations was crass.
However you've only been together a year, and for me that's pretty early to plan two weeks away together so far ahead, maybe they think the same.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/12/2019 07:42

Doesn't bode well for future in law relations if he's this unable to stand up to friends!

It can be very difficult for people to stand up to/confront friends. How the couple handed out the invitations was shitty. Absolutely no doubt. But your boyfriend seems to be getting blamed more than them. When wedding threads come up here people are always told the bride and groom get to decide the guest list.

This has all just happened, OP. The wedding is a bit away yet. I would let your boyfriend know you're upset (you already have so no need to keep pressing the point). And you stop dogsitting the dog (you already have).

So for now there's not a whole lot else you can do. People here always advise the nuclear option. Straight to argument and confrontation. Your bf, for now, hasn't done anything. Either way. He's not to blame for the invitation, and he hasn't asked his friend... Yet! Give him time to approach his friend.

DarkOceanWater · 05/12/2019 07:43

Sometimes similar happened to me - only one in a friendship group of couples not to be given any role in the wedding. My DH was given a role.

Only realised when I got to the destination wedding itself. They all went off to do rehearsals and I was the only one not going.

Morning of wedding they were all picked up to get ready together at the wedding villa - I was to meet them at the wedding. Big ostentatious giving of gifts for all the support they had given.

It really hurt at the time - I never let it show though. It has coloured that friendship.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/12/2019 07:47

From your boyfriend's reaction I'd put money on him knowing full well you weren't invited. Possibly even him asking to go alone so he could do what he wants without his girlfriend there.

The thought of him asking if you're invited or if he gets a plus one is making me cringe. If that's what they meant that's what they would have said on the invite.

Mumdiva99 · 05/12/2019 07:48

@Ragglesnaggle it can only be changed if there is additional room to change it. If they were at max capacity and all the save the dates are going then there is no space.

DarkOceanWater · 05/12/2019 07:52

@Mumdiva99 - not giving any plus ones to your friends!! This may have been what you wanted but I can guarantee you will have hurt feelings. You may not care - but really what is a celebration if your guests are attending feeling bad that their significant other was snubbed?

The most important part of a wedding where guests are invited is the comfort of the guests. Just like any other party or event you choose to host.

Weescot · 05/12/2019 07:53

You haven’t been together long. That’s why you’re not invited. I wouldn’t expect to be either.

Mumdiva99 · 05/12/2019 07:59

@DarkOceanWater most our friends are long time couples so are our friends too - I have known them 25 years etc. Our family ditto. But I had some mum friends I've made recently where I am only friends with the mum - not the family or the partner or they are single. We were tight on space - I had some friends we couldn't invite. No way would I waste a space on a random. Equally no one had to come to our wedding - it was a choice.

SunniDay · 05/12/2019 08:00

sunshinekids

"Do you think they want you to stay at home so you can look after their dog?"

Very good point - don't do that anymore and be ready to turn them down if they ask you to do this (or anything else) for them during the wedding. You can easily tell them while boyf is away you plan to do x and are not available/won't be home for the dog etc. Or if you are brave just no!

Whatagoodidea · 05/12/2019 08:01

Sorry, but when do other people get to dictate who is invited to their wedding. I'm sure it is a numbers thing as overseas and DP will have been sounded out before invites were issued. The way that eas done was incredibly rude. Do not try to gate crash SA trip or put pressure on DP about going alone. You would not enjoy the trip when you have to miss bits. Stay in UK and do something for you

DarkOceanWater · 05/12/2019 08:17

@Mumdiva99 that's totally understandable then - I had visions of you inviting only one person from each of your couple friends!!

Nicolastuffedone · 05/12/2019 08:18

He can’t ask if he’s getting a +1!! If he was, you’re name would’ve been on the invitation wouldn’t it? They know you’re his girlfriend, you socialise with them, you look after their dog! They know who you are......

CrimsonCattery · 05/12/2019 08:33

Was invited with my XP to one his friends weddings. We had been together longer than the couple, had socialised with them and I had done them favours. Was initially invited to the whole day then uninvited from the ceremony because it was in a small room. A few weeks later, I was further downgraded to evening only 'due to numbers'. XP still invited to the whole thing (I had no issue with him going and he went without any fuss from me).

I was livid and went to another party instead. They even had to audacity to ask after me at the evening party and wonder where I was!

Dustarr73 · 05/12/2019 08:36

I understand them not inviting you.You are not together that long when they got engaged and sent out Save The Dates.

The way they handed out the invites was shitty.

But for the love of God,dont make your dp choose.You will lose.

And its up to the bride and Groom who they invite,that cant be put at your dps door at all.And all the he said "you where only a fling" and not to invite you.Nobody knows this.

The only thing i would do,is not dogsit and i wouldnt be buying a card or a gift.

AfterSomeAdvice1234 · 05/12/2019 08:36

YANBU in that the way they handed out the invites was incredibly rude, but I think YABabitU to expect to be invited when they got engaged 2/3 months after you got together with your partner

Jezzballs2000 · 05/12/2019 08:42

Curious to see how this works out

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