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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
jakeyboy1 · 04/12/2019 22:58

On the plus side presume they aren't paying for everyone's flights etc so this is going to save you what £3k upwards??

I'd book myself a holiday with my friends at the same time far far away!

I can see you hadn't known them long when they got engaged but you do now and presumably they see you more than the people who live abroad you mentioned. It's very weird.

OwlinaTree · 04/12/2019 22:58

Don't get the 'not inviting because you might split up' theory. I'm guessing if they split up then the op won't go to the wedding, same as for most long term couples if they split up.

I think it was really rude to exclude you like that. What were they thinking?

plumbabe · 04/12/2019 22:58

Your DP isn’t that into you. He’s told them you’re just a fling. If he’s told them it’s serious they’d have invited you. The whole lot of them are rude and weird. Don’t over invest in this bloke or put yourself out. No more dog sitting. These people aren’t your friends. I hope you’ve got your own friends and not just his! I’d personally be reconsidering the relationship and I wouldn’t socialise with any of them anymore. Your DP sounds pathetic to be honest.

HuckfromScandal · 04/12/2019 22:59

Wow, they are rude!!
I would be so very hurt by this.
By kind to yourself right now

sniffsneeze · 04/12/2019 23:00

Oh come on, it's weird that they expect him to go for a ten day holiday without his girlfriend. It's also unusual if he wants to go. My SIL got married five weeks after I met my DH. I was invited and went to the evening do He drew the line at his Mum trying to pull me into the family photos though Grin

Derbee · 04/12/2019 23:03

If he’s told them it’s serious they’d have invited you.

A relationship of less than a year is not serious yet

M0reGinPlease · 04/12/2019 23:05

Oh OP I'm sorry you're in this situation because these people sound like shits but mainly because your boyfriends behaviour is shitty too and I'm afraid it shows his true feelings for you. Why is he making excuses for them? Trying to explain their reasoning is irrelevant. If he sees your relationship as long term he should be declining the invite.

Whoops75 · 04/12/2019 23:05

My dh had friends like this when we got together. All coupled up for years and they ‘didn’t give us long’.
The friendship thawed until one of them died and now they do an annual meet up.
They’re just odd
I wasn’t a good fit for the group.

In your shoes I would make your position clear to dp, these people are his friends not yours.

Don’t play pick me with them, don’t go out with them if you don’t want to, don’t ask him to chose, just wait.

You’ll have your answer but without the drama.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 04/12/2019 23:05

DP thinks the timing is unfortunate as in they got engaged 4 months after we got together and therefore I didn't get an invite.

Bullshit. They’d have still invited his plus one. They could have put your name on the invite, it wouldn’t matter if you were no longer together by then, he still might like to take a plus one and not be the singleton at the wedding.

cushioncovers · 04/12/2019 23:17

I feel for you op. Yanbu. Let us know what they say when your dp asks them why you're not invited.

user1511042793 · 04/12/2019 23:21

I think your right to withdraw from dog sitting and the Friday nights. Either your part of the group or your not. But you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. If you do get an invite swallow it up and go but if you don’t I really don’t think you have a future as he’s not standing up for you.

Honeyroar · 04/12/2019 23:21

I can forgive them for not inviting you, but the way the invites were given out was 100% rude and your boyfriend should most definitely be telling them how much they hurt you by doing that. I’d probably not want to go anyway at this point either.

holidayhelpp · 04/12/2019 23:27

Your ‘partner’ should already have called his friend and said ‘there must have been a mistake, you know I’m not going to South Africa without my girlfriend right?!’
The fact he hasn’t speaks volumes. I’d be so upset at his reaction.

poltergust · 04/12/2019 23:28

Given how brazen they've been throughout I like the theory around save the dates / invites. That they had them printed based on the save the dates eg. Just his name but assumed it was obvious you were coming too when they handed it out in person.

Especially as other couple thinks you're sharing a villa and they invited you over this weekend.

I'd clarify before doing anything else. Would be a massive shame to have all this bad feeling over nothing

poltergust · 04/12/2019 23:28

Or even had them all made at the same time 🤷🏻‍♀️

CalleighDoodle · 04/12/2019 23:33

I wouldnt have him Ask about a plus one as it makes it sound like he will just bring anyone. He should ask about you specifically.

If they say youre not invited the he can add that surely they dont expect him to go away for ten days without you? And indeed without anyone, a spare wheel as everyone else a couple?! That's bonkers.

dontalltalkatonce · 04/12/2019 23:47

This thread is like The Twilight Zone!

Nary a week goes by, there are a couple up right now, without a wedding thread featuring an invitation where one party's spouse or partner with kids are not invited, it's childfree, destination wedding, and the overwhelming response is 'Can he not go on his own' or a thousand different variants on how he should go and she should rope in someone to help with the breastfed newborn and toddlers after a planned CS or sit in a hotel room or cottage whilst he skips along to the wedding or plan a family holiday round it all with the rest of the family not going to the wedding. Every week.

Or a bride stating she and her fiance simply cannot afford +1s or kids and it's all 'Your wedding, hun, you do what you need to'. 'It's fine, if you can't afford it or that, it's your wedding.' Not everyone can afford +1s. Plenty of posts on here about venue limitations so no +1s.

But this guy is supposed to drop his 'good friends' entirely because they didn't invite his girlfriend of 10 months to their wedding where they live, in S. Africa? Or bamboozle them about why she wasn't invited? It's 10 days! And nary a long time goes by without someone who waves their spouse and/or father of their children off to one of these shindigs.

It was majorly crass to hand out invitations like that. I do have a good friend who lives in a part of SA (near the Zim border) who cannot trust the post there, but it was rude to hand them out knowing you were not invited.

But honestly? I wouldn't have expected to be invited and I think your big problem is considering him 'DP' when he doesn't seem to be at that stage yet and nor do they and you were fine with him going to the stag until you found out you were not invited.

Hell, we eloped due to some serious issues and people managed to get over it.

But seriously? He's not only not supposed to go but also tell them all to get to fuck for not inviting his girlfriend of 10 months?

I think it's really petty to stop associating with them over this or be PA or expect him to confront them over whom they invite to their own wedding.

FFS, being a 'singleton' at a wedding is hardly a disaster scenario, especially if you're with good friends.

Totally OTT, IMO.

honeyrider · 05/12/2019 00:05

If he’s told them it’s serious they’d have invited you.

A relationship of less than a year is not serious yet

Nonsense, there isn't a minimum time of a year before a relationship can become serious. DH and I got engaged 5 months after meeting and are together nearly 32 years.

OP you're OH isn't as into you as you are into him.

TheTittefers · 05/12/2019 00:21

@Teapot77 I feel your DP is being disingenuous here. You must, over the last number of months, have had conversations around the wedding-slash-holiday, annual leave, pricing flights, talking about looking forward to it, y’know, like normal couples talk about their holiday plans. You could reasonably have already booked flights for it!

Derbee · 05/12/2019 00:22

@honeyrider not nonsense. You were engaged. That’s a serious relationship in most people’s views. No engagement, not living together does not count as serious enough to warrant a wedding invitation, in most circumstances

TheTeenageYears · 05/12/2019 02:13

Given that they are getting married abroad you would think they would be extremely flexible in order to have as many close friends and family attend as possible. Presumably guests are paying for themselves to travel and stay in SA which is a huge expectation that people are in a position to do so.

OP you've mentioned a couple of times your DP asking for a +1. You may just be using this term on MN to be brief but DP needs to personalise this when he talks about it to the B&G. This isn't about getting a +1, this is about them extending the invitation to you, someone he cares a lot about and who socialises with them and the rest of the friendship group on a regular basis and that whilst you may only have been together a year which maybe in their eye's doesn't seem very long but to the two of you it's long enough to know you want to jointly plan an expensive trip together in 7 months time, the main purpose of which is to attend their wedding.

You don't know what they were thinking and they don't fully know the status of your relationship so there could well just been a lot of misunderstanding involved in this situation. Your DP needs to have a conversation with his friend and it's not really the kind of discussion where you can determine the outcome upfront. That said handing out the invitations in a group setting when not everyone is invited is really poor and your DP needs to speak up about that if nothing else.

DarkOceanWater · 05/12/2019 03:04

I don't agree with the posts saying - you have only been together a year etc. If they had never met you or only met you at other events where you were all in attendance then yes, I could understand it.

This is entirely different. You have formed a friendship with these people- to the extent you have socialised with the bride alone and looked after their dog.

Time to graciously detach. No need to cut people off but step back.

If asked be upfront you were not invited. Don't sugarcoat it. Make it absolutely clear to your partner how weird and rude you think this is. Make it clear you will let him decide how the honourable and right way to handle this is but you yourself will decide based upon how he handles this whether you need to made decisions about the future of your relationship.

Lofari · 05/12/2019 03:17

Just plain spiteful. So sorry OP

IWantADifferentName · 05/12/2019 03:21

Reasons for not inviting you:
You have known them for less than one year
You have been with your partner/boyfriend for one year (They might know a number of his exes as well)
You and your boyfriend don’t live together

Those are all good reasons not to invite someone (either in their own right or as a plus one) to a wedding.

However, given that it involves a 10 day holiday in South Africa and you seem well integrated into the social group, it seems rude not to invite you.

But you seem to be getting quite worked up about it considering your boyfriend hasn’t spoken to bride and groom yet. Let him talk to them first, they might not have considered you as a serious relationship so early on.

Whatever your response is, you will learn a lot about your boyfriend and where you fall in his priorities from this.

Medievalist · 05/12/2019 03:33

OP you've mentioned a couple of times your DP asking for a +1. You may just be using this term on MN to be brief but DP needs to personalise this when he talks about it to the B&G. This isn't about getting a +1, this is about them extending the invitation to you

^^ This

Though I must say, I don't think I'd be able to accept an invitation now.

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