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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this my life for the next 12 years. Mother of daughters please help.

123 replies

AG29 · 03/12/2019 16:04

I have two DC. A bit age 8 who has autism and has just plodded along doing his own thing and is happy with that. He does have friends but never a best friend. He has never seemed to have a problem with any of the children.

Now, DD (4) started school in September and I have some concerns. I know kids will be kids and all that but at parents evening a while ago I was told DD is happy to play with most people but she does have one particular best friend. The mum of the best friend said that she was told that her daughter would only play with my DD at that point so we were told conflicting things. DD and this little girl became ‘best friends’ and had this cute little friendship, so I thought. I’ve encouraged DD to play with everyone as well as her best friend and include everyone.

I had a shitty time in school from a young age. I was always an outsider and I just want Dd to be happy and confident and play with anyone particularly those who need a friend.

Now they are only 4-5 so still very young. But DD came out in tears today as her ‘best friend’ and other friends had been leaving her out. Saying she cannot play with her. I know they are young. They could be best friends again tomorrow morning. But I noticed this at a party the other day. DD’s best friend and 2 other girls who are quite a bit older (DD is a summer birthday) leaving her out.

It’s absolutely fine for DD and the ‘best friend’ to play with others. I never wanted either of them not to be friends with others but this little girl seems to picking and dropping DD when she feels like it. I’m watching my daughter go from loving school and being so confident to not so much.

I’m probably thinking too much into this but like I said I had a shitty time in school and just want Dd to be happy with whoever she wants to play with.

It seems like her ‘best friend’ wants DD all to herself sometimes but often leaves DD out when she feels like it.

Is this worth mentioning to the teacher?

I just want Dd to have a better experience of school than I did.

This is all new to me. Is this just girls in general? Is this my life for the next 12 years?

OP posts:

Moomin12345 · 03/12/2019 16:09

Girls in general. It only gets worse when they get older. Better at uni though.

Blippolbblopp · 03/12/2019 16:16

Its just girls. My DD has always had one set friend, in nursery her and her best friend only played with each other, no one else

Now shes at school she only plays with 1 friend, ( her nursery friend went to a different school ) i tell her every day to play with everyone and every day she comes home and says she only played with friend because thats who she wanted to play with

She came home crying the other day because her friend was holding another girls hand and didnt want to hold DDs hand

I remember being in primary school and although we were a group of 8 girls, we all had a "best friend" each,

You mentioning speaking to the teacher has made me wonder if i should ask the teacher to encourage DD to play with others

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 03/12/2019 16:19

It ebbs and flows. In my experience it gets better for a while then bad again at senior school.
Most definitely talk to the teacher and get this nipped in the bud. They want their children to be happy. The teacher can keep an eye in class and split up cliques if they are causing upset.
Have a look at developing friendships outside of school, Rainbows, sports clubs etc.
Invite other children home. Don't discount the boys as playmates, my dds had great fun friendships with boys at that age.
Also work on building up dds self esteem. My dds are much older so I'm put of touch with books, but I'm sure there will be stories that can help with this.

notangelinajolie · 03/12/2019 16:21

It happened to two of my three girls. So not all girls but yes, I would still say it was a girl thing. And don't want to bring bad news but it doesn't just go away at 16.

Singlenotsingle · 03/12/2019 16:21

I think you should suggest to df that she doesn't play with so-called best friend. Find some other friends. The best friend is playing mind games. It's a power thing, even though they're so young. Maybe if the bf realises that DD doesn't want to play with her anyway, she'll realise that this sort of thing is hurtful. And DD will broaden her friendship group, which can only be good.

Original poster

AG29 · 03/12/2019 16:24

Thank you. I really want Dd to be friends and play with everyone she wants to be friends with. I am just concerned as 2 months ago teacher said DD is confident and plays with most people (similar to when she was in pre school) then her and the other little girl became ‘best friends’. It’s appearing to me now the other girl only wanted to be friends with Dd and didn’t let DD play with anyone else so not healthy. But now time has gone on and DD is upset when she’s being told by the friend she can’t play with her as ‘best friend’ has new friends and leaving DD out. Why can’t they just all be friends? 😓 I feel like she’s lost her confidence.

OP posts:

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 03/12/2019 16:24

Ugh, prepare yourself for a bumpy ride. My younger daughter has been mostly fine so far but my elder one caused me many an anxious night. She seems to have settled down now although who knows!

LL83 · 03/12/2019 16:25

At that age I think it because they are young they can be selfish at times. Build resilience in your dd "if best friend isnt kind to you play with other people. Never leave anyone out of a group game, but a friend is someone who treats you well I would not play with best friend so much if she keeps treating you unkindly."

Its rubbish but at 4-5 I think it is rude/thoughtless rather that deliberately mean. I encourage dd to have different groups of friends at school, at home, at clubs so that she isnt too reliant on any of them. I hope she does find a few really good, nice friends as she grows though.

Original poster

AG29 · 03/12/2019 16:27

I do get concerned over Dd. She is still significantly speech delayed but has fantastic understanding. It hasn’t held her back. But I feel like she’s a push over. We were told in the pre school that some of the girls ‘mother’ her rather than actually play with her but she’s grown up a lot since pre school (and she’s a summer birthday). But I feel like Dd can’t stand up for herself which is exactly like me.

My granny was a dinner lady at my school when I was at that age. She always says I was the one stood on my own on the sidelines waiting for kids to approach me first (I still have no confidence). I never had any close friends until I school at 16. I just want Dd to have a better time than what I did!

OP posts:

Spied · 03/12/2019 16:29

If you go mentioning this to the teacher you will never be away from the school....
It continues- and gets worse in my experience.
And after a few times going in about it you start looking and being 'that' parent.
I'm 'that' parent and can almost hear the eye-rolls as I enter the school.
I understand you want DD to be happy but making a big deal out of playground politics won't serve your DD well.
My DD is now constantly asking me to tell the teacher about such-and-such and it's out of hand.
Am going to take a huge step back.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 03/12/2019 16:30

I'm a dinner lady in school and 90% of lunchtime is trying to sort out falling outs and squabbles between 8-11 year old girls.

horse4course · 03/12/2019 16:32

There's probably loads of books on this, but it brings the Angelina and Alice book to mind - her best friend joins in with others calling angelina a name, she is upset and loses confidence then they make up - might help to prompt discussion with dd?

MeTheCoolOne · 03/12/2019 16:38

I always told my girls that it’s best to never call anyone their ‘best friend’.

Janderson · 03/12/2019 16:38

It's girls, OP.

It starts the minute they go to school. The absolute peak of awfulness is Year 8-9 (it's beyond description). Year 10 isn't great, either. By Uper 6, they have generally become a bit more civilised, but not entirely.

Janderson · 03/12/2019 16:38

^Upper

dottiedodah · 03/12/2019 16:46

I realise this is bringing back bad memories of your Schooldays ,but I feel you need to separate the two for your own sake !Your DD is just starting out and if she feels your anxiety ,it may make it worse for her in the long run .From what you have said ,it sounds like every little girl I have known! They often want a BF or small group and dont seem to want to play all together very often .Watch and wait for a few days .I found with my DD they would often get "end of term Itis" as I called it,Lots of little squabbles ,they are very tired at the end of a long term and very excited about the Guy in the Red Suit coming soon!

SleepyReindeer · 03/12/2019 16:49

Encourage your DD to play with the boys as well and widen her circle. It doesn't mean she'll be hanging out with the boys at all times with no girl friends but it widens the available children in her class to be friendly with. Also try and find another friend more on her wavelength (one of the more gentle girls maybe?) for her to be friends with and arrange a play date.

1forAll74 · 03/12/2019 16:50

I don't think that you need to speak to the teachers about this. Girls do have this tendency,to have friends,and then swap them,and maybe fall out,and then back to normal again. It's all part and parcel of school days,and normal behaviour.. Any child who gets upset about another for some reason,is maybe just a more sensitive child,and will likely alter later,and find their own place and friends.

3timeslucky · 03/12/2019 16:58

Encourage widening of her circle. I always told dd (11) that you need a group of friends. What happens if your one friend is sick? Or leaves the school? Or you fall out? Her core group is 3, widening to 6. It really helps. Also talk to her about what it is to be a friend. Friends do not try and control each other. Friends do not drop each other on a whim. If someone is making you feel bad on an on-going basis they are not a friend. Tell her she deserves to be treated better than that.

Original poster

AG29 · 03/12/2019 17:01

Absolutely @3timeslucky. I totally agree.

OP posts:

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 03/12/2019 17:02

Yeah it’s girls. I’ve got two of them (year 7 and year 5) and this seems to be what happens.

Cuppachino · 03/12/2019 17:12

It never stops. My DD is 8 and this is still going on. Best friends one day, not friends the next, it's infuriating but I've learned to keep out of it(very hard) and let them sort it themselves.

justasking111 · 03/12/2019 17:18

DS started uni. this year he is in a mixed flat of girls and lads. Next door are five girls in a flat. He says they are a nightmare falling out all the time. Girls really are more contrary with friendships.

Sammi38 · 03/12/2019 17:19

Yep, this happened to my dd, no such issues with my son though.

PlasticPatty · 03/12/2019 17:24

I taught my dd to take people lightly. If they are nice, be nice. If they are not nice, move off and move on. Both she and I experienced what you describe, OP. Her way through was to watch, learn and become more skilled at dealing with people. My way was to withdraw from people almost completely. We are both autistic. Good luck to you and your dd.

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