Is this my life for the next 12 years. Mother of daughters please help.

[AG29]

I have two DC. A bit age 8 who has autism and has just plodded along doing his own thing and is happy with that. He does have friends but never a best friend. He has never seemed to have a problem with any of the children.

Now, DD (4) started school in September and I have some concerns. I know kids will be kids and all that but at parents evening a while ago I was told DD is happy to play with most people but she does have one particular best friend. The mum of the best friend said that she was told that her daughter would only play with my DD at that point so we were told conflicting things. DD and this little girl became ‘best friends’ and had this cute little friendship, so I thought. I’ve encouraged DD to play with everyone as well as her best friend and include everyone.

I had a shitty time in school from a young age. I was always an outsider and I just want Dd to be happy and confident and play with anyone particularly those who need a friend.

Now they are only 4-5 so still very young. But DD came out in tears today as her ‘best friend’ and other friends had been leaving her out. Saying she cannot play with her. I know they are young. They could be best friends again tomorrow morning. But I noticed this at a party the other day. DD’s best friend and 2 other girls who are quite a bit older (DD is a summer birthday) leaving her out.

It’s absolutely fine for DD and the ‘best friend’ to play with others. I never wanted either of them not to be friends with others but this little girl seems to picking and dropping DD when she feels like it. I’m watching my daughter go from loving school and being so confident to not so much.

I’m probably thinking too much into this but like I said I had a shitty time in school and just want Dd to be happy with whoever she wants to play with.

It seems like her ‘best friend’ wants DD all to herself sometimes but often leaves DD out when she feels like it.

Is this worth mentioning to the teacher?

I just want Dd to have a better experience of school than I did.

This is all new to me. Is this just girls in general? Is this my life for the next 12 years?

I have dds that are much older than yours, and the first thing is to set aside your own anxiety and stress around this, adopt at all times a bright and breezy response unless she is being hurt or bullied, otherwise you will transfer all of your experience on to her, which is unfair as she can set her own pace.

Things that will help:

Taking a step back and allowing your dd with your encouragement to resolve her own issues. This is confidence building and will empower her.

Inviting many different friends over for playdates rather than just the same few or even one friend, help her broaden her horizons

Encourage outside hobbies and sports so that she builds up friends outside of school - vital if she does run into problems

Resist the desire to 'fix' everything, it is really important she learns from this herself. Be there to listen in a neutral way, and don't demonise the other children.

Stick to the no best friend but lots of best friends rule. Everyone is and can be a best friend. It is the best advice, and really limits difficulties.

Be sure that their friendships are intense, and there will be bumps, everyone has them and you just need to ride them out gently.

They are like chickens striving for pecking order. I would suggest also activities out of school so she has other friends she can think about.

If it goes on for more than a few weeks, I would suggest speaking to school because they can often do things about friendship and not leaving people out/what makes a good friend/being kind etc and examples of not being.

It all tends to reach fever pitch as birthday parties approach and they all hope to be invited (and then the birthday one is dropped as if the party never happened) or if a new child arrives in the class and they all compete to be best friend, then lose interest and drop said newbie!

Yep. This is our life too.

No idea if it is a girl thing as I don’t have boys. It gets worse as DD gets older. But, with the right guidance, it bothers her less.

I would encourage other friendships and arrange play dates and I’m another parent who tells my girls I don’t think it’s a good thing to call someone your bf you are all friends & try to teach them what a good friend is and that it’s great to be kind to everyone I would also make sure their teacher is aware and how it is effecting your DD so she can also monitor them and maybe help them both learn about healthy friendships and they can actively try to make sure both children do activities together and sometimes with other children. unfortunately it is something I think most girls go through some more often than others during their childhood

OP 'high functioning' autistic girls can be undiagnosed for years. She could easily be on the spectrum and I speak from experience, I have a diagnosed 'severe' autistic 5yo DD and an unlikely to be diagnosed anytime soon 3.5yo DD who blends quite well in the right environment but in others sticks out like a sore thumb.

I've been told she has sensory processing disorder and social communcation disorder but they won't diagnose those until they've ruled out autism. Her nursery have identified traits of autism and she has developmental delay in all areas expected using their eyfs thingy.

I imagine it will be back and forth to the profs for months or years..however she apparently has a best friend already, enjoys playing alongside other children and isn't aggressive. She whitters and chatters constantly, is interested in all things at nursery and can sit ok on the carpet if she's not distracted.

OP my DD is extremely vulnerable socially due to her lack of social understanding. It would be easy to upset her, leave her out or fall out with her as she doesn't understand the usual rules of friendship. She's social but lacks the basic skills most children learn between baby and toddlerhood as she is self directed and in her own world. To look at her you would never know!

Anyway, to answer your question. My eldest DD now 16 was subtly bullied all through infant and junior school by her best friend today and not tomorrow. I did talk to her teacher, the head and even her friend's mum but nothing worked. If I had my time again I would have removed her from that school into a smaller more nurturing one. However, I worked at her school (not in a teaching role but with a separate company that used the school premises) so it would have been complicated. However, I always regret not making more fuss as it affected her happiness and ability to concentrate.

My advice is to be 'that mum'. Kids shouldn't be miserable at school so get in there early now and see what can be done. Any school that shrugs their shoulders is the wrong place imo.

And a teacher with a class of 30 children

Why do people always do teachers such a disservice like this?

Teachers are more than capable of knowing what is going on in their classes. They can tell you about each individual student, they don’t just spend their days herding cats.

You don’t have to spend too long with a group of children to understand the dynamics.

Only boys here. Never had problems with pals. Never had hours after school consol long about fights, fall outs etc.
Sorry op, it's a girl thing. Think of a group of women in one room, there's always bitching happening.

Mind you, I'd have liked a girl, just to see the difference. But I'm glad I escaped this bit.

it is just how girls operate

Not my DD. Nor her friendship group. I hate the misogyny on these types of threads,

I know several boys who had best nursery and primary friends, plenty of play date drama etc. No experience of secondary school interactions though.

Sorry to say I agree. Despite us reiterating it’s great to have lots of friends, and she doesn’t need a best friend (or be like me and have about 10!) DD (13) has had this happen. Best thing to do is work on her resilience. The easier she can shrug it off the better - I say this from bitter experience 😢

Yes

My dd is aged 3 (4 this week) and has had a group of friends in the childminders that moved with her to nursery (all same age). Mine is the youngest and all the others are September born.

She loves playing with them but the 4 of them are in a world of their own which sometimes concerns me.

A few months ago she came home crying because she wasn’t allowed to play, as the others were wearing white t shirts and she had yellow for example. We also found out that my dd has speech issues and the others were talking for her (nursery hadn’t heard her speak so I had to request a SALT referral as they stated her friends spoke for her).
Whilst this is lovely that they are looking out for her, over the summer when she didn’t see them her speech really improved as she had to speak up for her self so their method of helping her was holding her back

Likewise “I don’t want to eat that, I don’t like it “ dd says
“But you’ve ate it every week for months” mum says
“But xxx doesn’t eat it so I don’t like it” 🙄
This is a common theme in my life currently.

My eldest two are in secondary now and they’ve both had issues; DS and DD. Dd will talk about it more though. I found it came in waves, somethings all would be calm and then a few weeks of stress again.

They are learning how to interact and create friendships at this age, things will go wrong as they learn. I would separate your experiences as a child from what’s happening now, it’s hard I know as it takes you right back! But it means you are coming to the situation thinking the worst.

If she’s been playing with this “best friend” constantly it might actually be for the best that things have gone wrong, it’s a clumsy way of the friend correcting the situation so they both end up playing with others a bit more. I would wait and observe and if it continues over 2-3 weeks mention it to the teacher.

Gosh yes, I remember this - especially at about age 8 or 9. The friendships between girls are so intense and rapidly shifting. I tried to encourage wider groups of friends, including boys... the boys I noticed were more physical and less emotionally draining.

My 11 year old ur 6 dd hangs out with the bookish boys when it all gets too much

My older dd didn’t have any of this. She was blessed with a calm undramatic friendship group - didn’t realise how lucky we were! Dd2 is very easy going but her “friends” are a bloody nightmare. Dh went to bed at 6pm after her birthday outing.

Boys can be vile too though

Call it shite all you like, Greencustard. It is just my observation after over 20 years of schools and children

Yes it is utter shite, a disgraceful comment.

First drop the beat friend title, she isn’t your DDs best friend she’s one of those girls who thrive off drama. Your daughter deserves better.

Role play at home, you be the mean girl and DD is to say X

‘I’m not your friend today
‘Ok I’ll play with Jane’

‘You’re not allowed to play with Daisy’
‘OK I’ll play with Harry’

So no drama and DD will soon walk away and play with others.

I’d also stop play dates

Google relationship aggression-
The mighty girls website has some great information.

Leaving people out is a form of bullying and should be challenged- do not be robbed off with 'that's just girls'

Yeah it’s a girl thing! My daughter had a horrible time at primary school. Much better at secondary school with new friends.

OP, you really, really need to separate your experience of school from your daughters. If you don't, you will be incapable of helping her navigate her own path without projecting your own feelings and insecurities.

It's an issue for many of us but it really is important to be aware and to recognise that this is NOT a replay of your own school years.
Your dd is still so young and very lucky she has you to help guide her through these years with all of the challenges they can bring. Now is the time to build the foundations for resilience and confidence. As long as you set yourself up to give her the guidance and support to actually help her, she will be fine.

If it makes you feel any better, my eldest sister turned up back on Mum and Dads doorstep at 40 ...............

First drop the beat friend title, she isn’t your DDs best friend she’s one of those girls who thrive off drama. Your daughter deserves better.

GreenTulips they are 4/5 year olds. Fair though re the role play but I don't think anyone needs to be called a "mean girl".

My DD is in year 9 and it gets worse as they get older. She is being controlled by her so called best friend and literally all her primary school she was in and out of friends dramas. Like you my son is autistic and doesn't need friends to exist he has friends but is also very happy being his own person!! At the moment I find these constant friendship troubles far harder to deal with than autistic quirks and meltdowns!!

god yes! and if there was any way to stop it i would.
teach her that she can come to you with any worries.so you can qaush the worries and be birhgt and breey and that it will be ok.that she can be brave.and play with anyone.dont ever make her feel she cant tell you the silly things.thats when they goto their room and feel lonely with it.

also if you can stop it(how i dont know) then do anything as i did find once these girls become the one this happens to,then it keep happening throughout each stage.