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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this my life for the next 12 years. Mother of daughters please help.

123 replies

AG29 · 03/12/2019 16:04

I have two DC. A bit age 8 who has autism and has just plodded along doing his own thing and is happy with that. He does have friends but never a best friend. He has never seemed to have a problem with any of the children.

Now, DD (4) started school in September and I have some concerns. I know kids will be kids and all that but at parents evening a while ago I was told DD is happy to play with most people but she does have one particular best friend. The mum of the best friend said that she was told that her daughter would only play with my DD at that point so we were told conflicting things. DD and this little girl became ‘best friends’ and had this cute little friendship, so I thought. I’ve encouraged DD to play with everyone as well as her best friend and include everyone.

I had a shitty time in school from a young age. I was always an outsider and I just want Dd to be happy and confident and play with anyone particularly those who need a friend.

Now they are only 4-5 so still very young. But DD came out in tears today as her ‘best friend’ and other friends had been leaving her out. Saying she cannot play with her. I know they are young. They could be best friends again tomorrow morning. But I noticed this at a party the other day. DD’s best friend and 2 other girls who are quite a bit older (DD is a summer birthday) leaving her out.

It’s absolutely fine for DD and the ‘best friend’ to play with others. I never wanted either of them not to be friends with others but this little girl seems to picking and dropping DD when she feels like it. I’m watching my daughter go from loving school and being so confident to not so much.

I’m probably thinking too much into this but like I said I had a shitty time in school and just want Dd to be happy with whoever she wants to play with.

It seems like her ‘best friend’ wants DD all to herself sometimes but often leaves DD out when she feels like it.

Is this worth mentioning to the teacher?

I just want Dd to have a better experience of school than I did.

This is all new to me. Is this just girls in general? Is this my life for the next 12 years?

OP posts:
RB68 · 03/12/2019 17:25

I would keep an eye generally as well as doing as advised here. I had the same situation one particualr girl who my daughter desperately wanted to be friends with was using 2 other girls to bully mine indirectly (by bullying them to exclude DD and then encouraging it all etc etc) I was in school and witnessed it first hand (was in school to run a lunch club) and immediately raised it with the playground supervisor stood next to me ignoring it who happened to be a TA in DDs class and knew all the girls and clearly had a good idea of what had been going on. I have never seen a child so happy to see their Mum arrive, she came to lunch club with me and the rest was handled later with group sessions and so on. The real issue was actually the child bullying everyone was neglected at home and in a weird dynamic with parent and grandparent, was exposed to things way beyond her age and was playing out what she saw others doing. There were a range of other issues related to this child who eventually was taken out of school altogether resolving our issue to be honest. We still saw them locally but chose to ignore and move past it all. Having said all that I felt very sorry for her and felt she slipped through the net of social services. But I wasn't prepared to sacrifice my daughter on her alter, I had considered moving mine to a larger school to change dynamics - there were only 6 girls in her year and 12 in the whole class which was a mixed year group

mintcucumber · 03/12/2019 17:25

Will she play with the boys?

user1471590586 · 03/12/2019 17:26

Yep. Girls can be awful. I tried to encourage my daughter to play with lots of people. I also put her into out of school activities so she would have other non school friends.

Thatnovembernight · 03/12/2019 17:27

Yep, sorry. The only thing that has eased this is encouraging other friendships through play dates etc outside school and stamping down swiftly on the idea of a single best friend. A group of best/closest friends is fine. Single, best friends - no. It ends in tears too often.

As an aside, I find it really frustrating how much the idea of a ‘best friend’ is pushed on girls. If you go in Claire’s accessories (for example) there are loads of necklaces all with ‘best friends’ written on them. Other shops have best friends lip balms and notepads etc. I wish they could think of something better to write all over everything!

Alte · 03/12/2019 17:34

This definitely isn't what you want to hear, but my DD's going through the same thing right now. She's 14. I will say though that my other DD who's 12 has never been dropped by her friends, so it really does depend on the child.

saltedCamel · 03/12/2019 17:34

Girls, OP!

Saying that, I know that some boys in dd's class had power games going on between them for a couple of years.

Wise mumsnetters, without hijacking, can I ask how it affects you when other kids are 'mean' to your kids? When I hear about other kids saying or doing mean spirited things against my dc, I feel instant anger bubbling up and get quite annoyed about the 'mean kid'. I never show it of course. How do you keep your cool though their rollercoaster friendships?

Mishappening · 03/12/2019 17:39

Three girls here - I am afraid that this is what happens and you have to stay right out of it all!

Still happening with one of them when she was at uni. Sigh.

But all well with all of them now - it is just how girls operate - and very difficult for parents as they just want their DDs to be happy. It will blow over; and then come back again! Deep breath!

JoGose · 03/12/2019 17:40

This happened with my DD, and me at school

imip · 03/12/2019 17:43

I’m a mum to 4 dds and a primary TA. Girls do do this. I can’t remember doing it for the life of me!

I hate that I’m bringing this up as I hate suggesting ‘everyone’ has ASD, but could your dd have ASD. It’s just that your DS has she has a speech delay, a brother with ASD and a few issues socially. Two of my girls have ASD and they do often present differently to boys.

imip · 03/12/2019 17:44

Regardless, id suggest trying to get her into an extra curricular activity that doesn’t involve girls at school.

phlebasconsidered · 03/12/2019 17:45

Not all girls. I'm a teacher and imo the boys are just as bad - it's just personality types. I've brought my own two up with the "friends with all - special to only those who deserve it" attitude. Son has 3 friends, that's all he wants. Daughter has no truck with girly friendship nonsense and tells them so. Just bring her up to be kind but assertive. Assertiveness in girls is so important and it needs to be taught or stronger girls can hold sway. I do a lot of work in class on it.

Molly2010 · 03/12/2019 17:45

Oh my goodness I could write a page on this.
DD also 4. Started reception this year.
She is in a friendship of 3. They fall out with each other weekly.
I’m constantly encouraging her to play with other children to no avail.
The teacher at parents evening said they are trying to introduce a 4th to the group. To no avail.
To top it off one of the mums of the 3 is a complete bitch. One upmanship the whole time. The teachers told all 3 of us it was her DD causing problems and she still refuses to acknowledge or address it.
I’ve not spoken to the teachers independently from parents evening. I’m just constantly encouraging her to widen her friendship circle.
The worst thing of all is she is stuck in this class until primary school.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/12/2019 17:45

This is normal for girls. My DD1 had 3 girls in her class one year. Every other week she had a BFF and the next week the other two were friends and she was left out. It was like a pattern all year. The next year one girl moved away and two joined and peace was restored.

Intotheseayouandme · 03/12/2019 17:47

I have a bit of a different opinion. I have boys and I think that at that age there is concern over who is friends, who is left out, swapping best friend etc. I think parents/adults don't see it because they don't expect to. IME boys talk less, probably again related to expectations. If I speak to DS1's friends' parents they have little idea of what has gone on and that group of friends have had a lot of the "queen bee" type drama. Luckily much of it has settled but DS has struggled at times and I know other kids who have been upset over the years and their parents clueless.

Anyway, my approach has been to focus on my child to build resilience, help build his confidence and also being open to conversations. He was really obsessed with having a great friend for a while but has settled with a close group.

I try not to focus on painting any of the children as mean or unkind etc. They are only little and I don't think those views are accurate, nor do they help. But I do however think my son would recognise when he isn't happy and know what isn't ok.

We talked about friendships but I find it odd when adults interfere and try to engineer the friendship group. So he decides who to invite on playdates etc.

SignOnTheWindow · 03/12/2019 17:53

My DD found this book very useful at school.

BlackSwanGreen · 03/12/2019 17:53

I agree with other posters that this is normal, however I think it’s worth having a quiet chat with her teacher. No need to name names or blame anyone in particular, but just mention that your DD has been upset about friendship issues and ask the teacher to keep an eye on her. IME the teacher wants to hear about these things.

MuchBetterNow · 03/12/2019 18:00

It's not girls, it's people. I've worked in a school for 12 years and seen plenty boys of all ages acting like this, not to mention grown men and women.

Trewser · 03/12/2019 18:02

It comes and goes. The best way to deal with it is not to dwell on it. Never encourage them to have a best friend either.

Trewser · 03/12/2019 18:02

Oh god, don't tell the teacher.

Shelby2010 · 03/12/2019 18:05

I would have a quiet word with the teacher to keep an eye on her. I found that the teacher also knew which other children my DD had better dynamics with. I then invited these other children for play dates to encourage wider friendships.

My sound a bit daft but the My Little Pony cartoons are quite good models. Heavy emphasis on group friendships and valuing different qualities.

Witchend · 03/12/2019 18:06

At 4yo it's more common for them to have a new "best friend" every day than to stick with one.

MuchBetterNow · 03/12/2019 18:10

And a teacher with a class of 30 children, approximately two thirds of which will have friendship issues can't possibly "keep an eye" on individuals falling in and out with each other.
We're raising a generation who are incapable of resolving conflict because they're so used to someone intervening on their behalf.

Beamur · 03/12/2019 18:10

It's not unusual. Think of it as being the process by which you learn about social interaction and relationships.
Role play helped my DD to work out for herself how to deal with situations.
Keep building her resilience and self confidence in other ways and encourage a wider group of friends.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 03/12/2019 18:23

Oh Op I feel for you-

be so careful not to let your anxiety re your own experiences at school colour how you see your DD.

DD was obsessed with "best friend" but from a young age when she asked me who my Best Friend was I always said I don't have one I have lots. She took that on board and did always cultivate a wide friendship group.
With only one friend anything can upset the balance-including one being of sick etc and leaving DD stranded.
I'd encourage lots of friends and a variety of play dates so she gets a bit of resilience and flexibility early on. It will help her navigate growing up so much.

EyeoftheSpider · 03/12/2019 18:33

The problem here is not your daughter, but the other girl. We had something similar in infant school and I did talk to the teacher so it was watched and then when they moved to junior school I had a quiet word with the new head and asked that they not be in the same class. The other child continued to have 'friendship issues' while my dd was fine.

My advice is to do something about it. Don't just let it carry on and for your daughter to be miserable. School is so much about who your peers are and sometimes, you do have to step in.