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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this my life for the next 12 years. Mother of daughters please help.

123 replies

AG29 · 03/12/2019 16:04

I have two DC. A bit age 8 who has autism and has just plodded along doing his own thing and is happy with that. He does have friends but never a best friend. He has never seemed to have a problem with any of the children.

Now, DD (4) started school in September and I have some concerns. I know kids will be kids and all that but at parents evening a while ago I was told DD is happy to play with most people but she does have one particular best friend. The mum of the best friend said that she was told that her daughter would only play with my DD at that point so we were told conflicting things. DD and this little girl became ‘best friends’ and had this cute little friendship, so I thought. I’ve encouraged DD to play with everyone as well as her best friend and include everyone.

I had a shitty time in school from a young age. I was always an outsider and I just want Dd to be happy and confident and play with anyone particularly those who need a friend.

Now they are only 4-5 so still very young. But DD came out in tears today as her ‘best friend’ and other friends had been leaving her out. Saying she cannot play with her. I know they are young. They could be best friends again tomorrow morning. But I noticed this at a party the other day. DD’s best friend and 2 other girls who are quite a bit older (DD is a summer birthday) leaving her out.

It’s absolutely fine for DD and the ‘best friend’ to play with others. I never wanted either of them not to be friends with others but this little girl seems to picking and dropping DD when she feels like it. I’m watching my daughter go from loving school and being so confident to not so much.

I’m probably thinking too much into this but like I said I had a shitty time in school and just want Dd to be happy with whoever she wants to play with.

It seems like her ‘best friend’ wants DD all to herself sometimes but often leaves DD out when she feels like it.

Is this worth mentioning to the teacher?

I just want Dd to have a better experience of school than I did.

This is all new to me. Is this just girls in general? Is this my life for the next 12 years?

OP posts:

Jiggles101 · 03/12/2019 22:45

My 12 year old is in Y8 and it does seem to have hit peak dramz this year. We generally talk it through and I give her a hug and reassure her, and make sure I take her phone off her as it goes on over social media when they get home by that age too 🙄 she's coping with it better each time which is good.

Think I remember it being the same when I was at secondary school back in the 90s, it had mostly settled down by year 10 but that have been because that's when I started hanging out with boys!

MarshaBradyo · 03/12/2019 22:58

I remember the best friend thing at school. You had one all year. Drama if you went to the tuck shop with someone else. Much better when we got older and you could just have friends.

I haven’t had any friends drama with two boys but yet to see with dd, too young atm.

MintyMabel · 04/12/2019 18:54

Not my DD. Nor her friendship group. I hate the misogyny on these types of threads

It’s not misogyny. Your girl seems like an exception rather than the rule. Misogyny would be to suggest girls are biologically predisposed to it and incapable of anything different. It is not far of the mark to say they are socially conditioned to see friendships in a different way than boys are. Judging by the way some parents (and teachers) seem to deal with these things with children so young, it’s no wonder girls are more invested in singular friendships. It’s even in kids clothing and jewellery. How many “boy” things do you see with BFF all over it? BFF is a girl thing as society seems to want to tell us.

FizzyIce · 04/12/2019 19:16

Definitely a girl thing.
Dd is in a friendship triangle and sometimes she’s pushed out and sometimes she does the pushing .
It’s awful whichever way round and I can’t see a way out of it for her

Loopytiles · 04/12/2019 19:22

It’s sexist and lazy to ascribe behaviours to DCs’ sex.

MintyMabel · 04/12/2019 19:42

It’s sexist and lazy to ascribe behaviours to DCs’ sex

It’s blinkered and naive to pretend our children aren’t affected by social conditioning.

Taswama · 04/12/2019 19:44

Caveat - I only have boys.
But my eldest has friendship issues as he hasn’t got a lot in common with them and would rather hang out with the girls. Unfortunately some children tease him saying ‘is she your girlfriend?’ His DB has started saying this and we are telling him off.
My point is, if you can encourage friendships with both sexes there will be a wider pool.

Loopytiles · 04/12/2019 21:00

Of course DC are affected by social conditioning. But most posters - and people in RL - saying “it’s girls”, or “it’s boys” do not talk about that.

MintyMabel · 04/12/2019 22:30

But most posters - and people in RL - saying “it’s girls”, or “it’s boys” do not talk about that.

I can imagine the school gate discussions lamenting the playground politics, and someone chirps up about social conditioning. I’ve spoken with other mums about the friendship group stuff, I can’t remember ever talking about social conditioning, because it isn’t relevant to the discussion.

MatildeHidalgo · 05/12/2019 08:21

It's not biology, it's social conditioning. Many women actively encourage it. Boys get away with all kinds of mean spirited behaviour with a breezy "oh boys will be boys" dismissal but girls are bitches, horrid and a complete nightmare.

Not my girl (15) or her friendship group.

MsTSwift · 05/12/2019 08:47

Weirdly always found mother’s of boys much quicker with the sexist assumptions than mothers of girls. My friend with 2 boys then a much indulged girl who is having issues is always saying “well what can you do that’s what girls are like” when it’s bloody not. Mine aren’t like that and neither are most others. Sorry personal rant.

MuchBetterNow · 05/12/2019 08:51

You only have to read the friendship angst threads on here to see it never stops for SOME people. And that middle aged women can be absolutely horrible about each other. Loads of projection from other posters gleefully calling women they've never met bitches and cunts etc, learned behaviour I'm afraid

JuliaSevern · 05/12/2019 09:04

My eldest dd (15) has always had nice friends who don't have dramas. Younger dd is 12 and not had problems yet. Some have dramas, some don't. Same as boys

JuliaSevern · 05/12/2019 09:12

I went to a girls' grammar and the girls in my class who had dramas were in the minority. So I've always known some do and some don't.

JuliaSevern · 05/12/2019 09:14

I've noticed that people whose dds have constant dramas are keen to believe "all girls are like that" though....

Trewser · 05/12/2019 09:41

I've noticed that the mothers of dds who have constant drama are the ones that gossip a lot themselves.

MatildeHidalgo · 05/12/2019 17:15

@Janderson

IME, only children are a PITA in this regard, as their mothers tend to believe that their DC can do no wrong

ODFOD

Janderson · 05/12/2019 19:37

@MatildeHidalgo

Nice. You are presumably either an only child or the parent of one.

Seriously, though, thank you for suggesting it, but I will not fuck off. What I said was my own experience, having had children at school for about 20 years. I also said that my own experiences are not universal truths.

MatildeHidalgo · 05/12/2019 19:53

I've got 4 siblings, one DD and decades of teaching experience and you are talking nonsense.

Madaboutthem2 · 05/12/2019 20:01

It's really hard watching your kids go into the world. You know at your age how to socialise and be kind. Four year old s are abit clueless. For four years they have been mainly with you or at nursery. Then they suddenly go into this big new place and they need to learn to handle 30 hours a week of good behaviour, rules and boundries and dealing with loads of other children trying to figure it out.

I've had the same fears with my DD. She's four. Started off shy and a loner. Now she's lovely and I had to encourage her to listen and start behaving. They school said she is now being good but not grasping routine.

I ask her who she plays with. Mostly it's her boy mate she's had from being a baby. We have the odd day where she will say I played with ruby or Ameila. But she also will say people ran away from her. She is obsessed with best friends. She's not my best friend or she doesnt want to be my best friend are some regular comments she makes. I'm always saying you can have lots of friends. One kid who has been around twice for an hour after school ( I was helping her mum out) snubs my daughter alot in the playground. I've seen my DD several times trying to say hi or bye and she literally blanks her. It's hard to see it but what can you do.

My niece is now 8 and her classroom is very bitchy and she often gets pushed out the group. She has been in tears many times. I dread that happening. I suppose at four they are kind of still toddlers and we probably expect more maturity than they can give x

Janderson · 05/12/2019 21:05

MathildeHidalgo, I will repeat, boringly, that I am basing my comments on long experience of having school-aged children. However, your touchiness might suggest, to some, that I am making a reasonable point.

MatildeHidalgo · 05/12/2019 23:04

I'm not being touchy, I'm pointing out that you're talking nonsense. As I said up thread, no dramas in my DD's various friendship groups. All girls aren't bitchy drama queens with toxic friendships. They do learn how to conduct themselves by watching how their mothers behave.

What happened to the OP?

perplexedneighbour · 05/12/2019 23:06

Is this just girls in general? Is this my life for the next 12 years?

Yes.

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