AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

YANBU. I work with people who have various disabilities. Some men and some women do specifically request personal care from one gender only and we always try to accommodate it.
Those who brought up race. Well, the law does permit an element of choice but it’s usually due to cultural and religious requirements. I don’t think it comes up that often in healthcare but certainly does in social care.

Why are people cross or angry if a woman says that she would rather not be touched by a man or be naked in front of a man she doesn't know?

I know it's a very different matter when intimate sex-specific body parts are involved (not sure where dentists come into it, apart from maybe the practical aspect of a female dentist being much less likely to have massive sausagey fingers), and I fully believe that people are entitled to make requests in such a case.

However, I still see a sort of link to the idea that many men have that a female pilot, bus driver, plumber, builder, surgeon or whatever just won't be up to the job, because, well, erm, 'men are just more naturally suited to some jobs, aren't they?'.

If a man is having a prostate exam or vasectomy, and he requests a male doctor or nurse to do it, does it make a difference whether his reason is 'because I just feel more comfortable having a HCP with the same genitals as me' or 'because I don't think women are as skilled at matters requiring dexterity or medical knowledge' or even 'because she might be a man-hater and 'accidentally' chop my balls off' ?

Even then, I'm guessing that the 'awkward' uncomfortable/intimate part of a prostate exam is the sticking of the finger up your bottom rather than the pressing on the prostate itself, which may or may not be an issue for men who have the test done. Female HCPs don't have prostates, but they do have bumholes too, so is that properly rational? Their reasoning might partly be that they'll feel very awkward if they get visibly aroused, which I understand can be a common involuntary reflex from the procedure. If so, are they within their rights to specify a heterosexual male nurse to do the test?

Personally, I have regular check-ups with a nurse for a medical condition which I know she doesn't have herself. She isn't necessarily rude about things, but she gives me information and tells me what I need to do and what I'm not doing well enough as if it's a simple tick-box exercise and I do feel judged. I used to see another nurse who did have the same condition and I found her much more helpful and understanding, but sadly, she left the practice. The first nurse is fully qualified and knows her stuff - she just doesn't know what it's like to live with the condition and, I believe, lacks empathy directly because of that.

Should I be entitled to demand to see a nurse with the same condition? Many smaller places don't actually have a diverse suite of staff to call on anyway, so what if they don't have somebody of your particular preference? Also, how would that work with things like paediatrics and care for people with terminal illnesses? I very much doubt that there are any qualified paediatricians available who are actually children themselves, nor many doctors in the last stages of life who are still working full time.

I very much get the principle, and support people's rights to make the request, but I do sometimes think it comes partly from an inherent position of prejudice which is accepted wholesale and goes completely unquestioned, which I'm not convinced is always helpful.

YABVVU-Would you also want to defend someone objecting to a lesbian midwife? Or a midwife who was wearing a hijab? You have a right to a midwife who treats you with compassion, dignity and professional competence. More than that is unreasonable to request.

I think if you are paying privately it's fine to specify exactly who you want but in the NHS it will depend on who is available, what is happening with other mums etc. A preference is one thing but if a male midwife or consultant or anaesthetist is the only one available what do you want them to do - leave the baby in you?

YABVU angry I’m actually quite cross because this is entirely a sexist way of thinking!

I'm actually quite cross that so many think someone's consent for another person to access their body is theirs to give away.

I agree OP. We have single space services for all sorts of areas of society. Sexism is not the same as women responding to a desire to not experience fear or discomfort when in a vulnerable situation. It's why we give rape survivors same sex assessors wherever possible.

As long as my baby was delivered safely I wouldn't care who, male or female were present

However it’s not a great reflection of equality that a member or staff is stopped from doing their job based purely on their gender. But like I said it’s your birth, and put it in your notes if you want to!

You are allowed to request to change midwife for any reason, if the current one makes you uncomfortable.

I could request to change because my current one was an ABBA fan, if I wanted to. Equality in
healthcare is not about giving everyone who comes along equal access to patients' bodies. Th

Like I said before, I feel rubbish for feeling this way especially as I know these men are constantly having to battle stereotypes and prejudices on a daily basis.

Please stop feeling guilty for putting your own feelings ahead of men. Just stop it! That’s female socialisation kicking in and some posters on here are trying to bully you into ignoring your own feelings and mental wellbeing. That’s why some women find themselves in vulnerable situations and taken advantage of by bad men. They don’t know how to extract themselves because they’re worried about hurting the man’s feelings. You’re not responsible for anyone but yourself and your baby.

OP do you realize that you being uncomfortable during birth, regardless of the reason, can slow down the proces of labour?

Regardless of if it’s politically correct or not, you feel uncomfortable with a male midwife by your side so you have for medical reasons, a very strong point to insist on a female midwife only!

It’s sexism saying that women aren’t allowed to feel uncomfortable (or distressed) with having a man putting his fingers in her vagina or seeing her naked at a really vulnerable time. Utterly ridiculous.

@Armadillostoes

Do you think I was very very unreasonable when I needed my breasts to be hand expressed for me to prefer a woman?

Or when I needed a bed bath? Or when my sanitary pads needed changing and I couldn't do it myself - was I unreasonable to prefer these intimate tasks to be carried out by a female midwife?

Would you also want to defend someone objecting to a lesbian midwife?

Sexuality is different from biological sex, so is one's personal faith or religious beliefs. A lesbian woman and a Muslim woman are still women.

But hey, people who have to be strip searched at airports or in police stations should just take who they get, after all, those doing the searches are 'qualified professionals' and it's in the name of security and safety and free so you should just take who you get.

I felt the same.... I literally shouted at the paediatric Dr when he came in as dd was about to be born- poor man! He turned his back and stood in corner! I refused a medical student checking stitches after birth as he was man.
Its your body and your right, theres nothing wrong with you.

It’s sexism saying that women aren’t allowed to feel uncomfortable (or distressed) with having a man putting his fingers in her vagina or seeing her naked at a really vulnerable time. Utterly ridiculous

🙌🏼

Thanks helpfulperson but I'm not using the NHS, so not relevant.

Yes, bewildered too that people are angry that I don't feel comfortable having a stranger who is male looking into my vagina, prodding my vagina and watching me shit myself. Ideally I'd have no one do that, but why be angry with me.because I'd prefer a female to see me like that?

YANBU. The priority is you feeling safe to allow your labour to progress. I had 5 Male paramedics at my second birth and I cared not at all. But I felt strongly about avoiding hospital unless very very necessary. That is what worked for me, everyone is different and you should prioritise your own concerns over hospital staffing where possible/safe, and it is for you to make that judgement as it is your body.

I refused care from two white female midwives, a black female midwife and a black male registrar when pg. There was one common denominator. They were all rude, dismissive and did not listen.

My dd was delivered by a wonderful midwife from Senegal and I knew I was safe with her from the moment she arrived; same with DS1 when a white male registrar arrived when his heartbeat dipped. I hadn't felt safe with the two white women beforehand.

We need to develop the confidence to call competence, communication and empathy. My DC are grown up now. I remember the names of all who cared for me in labour.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily and honeybee85 - agree 100% with both of you!!

Like I said before, I feel rubbish for feeling this way especially as I know these men are constantly having to battle stereotypes and prejudices on a daily basis.

Any decent male midwife who deserves to become a midwife knows and accepts that not all women will be happy to be treated by him, and understands why.

Any remaining male midwives who wouldn't, well, they shouldn't have been allowed into the profession and you absolutely should not prioritise their feelings above yours.

@frenchJunebug
Ok, how about this scenario. Imagine you're walking home late at night on a quiet country lane. There are no cars going past and noone is around. You hear footsteps behind you and turn around to see a shadowy figure that you can't quite make out walking quickly behind you. They get closer and you realise it's a woman. How do you feel? Now imagine that the shadowy figure is in fact a man, do you feel exactly the same?

As women, we are the physically weaker sex and the threat that men pose us is intrinsically and statistically different. This isn't women being hysterical, there is a very real basis to their worry. For many, the feelings of fear or discomfort will intensify as we feel more vulnerable. Giving birth is an incredibly vulnerable time and it will do women or babies absolutely no good to put them in position where they feel frightened or uncomfortable. Let's not forget that women need to feel relaxed and comfortable in order to give birth in the best way so you could be directly harming babies and women through enforcing male midwives on women that really don't want them.

YABVVU-Would you also want to defend someone objecting to a lesbian midwife? Or a midwife who was wearing a hijab?

Well done! You’ve managed to use minority women as a gotcha! Racism and homophobia in one swoop. 👏🏼

Just one thing! Your analogy doesn’t work, because they both have a vagina, the sane way the OP does. FFS, how many times are we going to have to read this disingenuous crap from someone I can guarantee is white and straight?

Is a patients health and comfort the most important thing then?

When they're receiving medical care, yes. Hilarious that someone not only asked this but seems to think it works as an effective gotcha.

You're not being unreasonable, OP. Giving birth is already stressful enough without adding an HCP who you're not comfortable with when that can easily be avoided. If you're already losing sleep over this then there's your answer - you don't want a man and you have the right to say so.

Haven't RTFT but your body, your birth, your choice. It's got nothing to do with anyone else