AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

Well, you could refuse to allow him to care for you I guess but it’d be incredibly short sighted and potentially dangerous for you or the baby.

That's why I let a man deliver dc1. I tried to commit suicide 36 hours later. Those two things were absolutely linked. In future assuming there is no baby involved, I might as well cut out the middle man and just refuse the medical care if I'm going to end up dying/trying to die anyway.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable!

Also if a male midwife is in any way a decent human being then they will not have any ‘hurt feelings’ about some women being uncomfortable and declining their care. They will understand.

Dinosauratemydaffodils - I'm so so sorry to read that xxx

@JacobReesClunge
Also, if people absolutely must make analogies with racism here, the appropriate comparison is a black or Asian person who doesn't feel comfortable with a white healthcare provider. Get the power dynamics right
And the medical issue would be specifically related to an intimate issue that only affects their race and there would be evidence that a minority of white HCPs have historically used their position to abuse patients of this race.

I’m torn about this one, on one hand it’s your birth and it’s up to you who you feel comfortable with.

However it’s not a great reflection of equality that a member or staff is stopped from doing their job based purely on their gender. But like I said it’s your birth, and put it in your notes if you want to!

I had a male midwife look after me immediately following the birth of my daughter, so conducting all the checks of me and LO. I'm sure that before he did anything, he double checked that I was happy with him examining me, did I want a chaperone etc.
In an emergency situation, you might not be able to change to a female midwife, but for a straightforward birth, I can't see why they would have a problem with it.

I would imagine that under the sex equality act you can ask to have a female midwife same as a man can ask for a male doctor to do intimate examinations.

Of course it's fine. Lots of people, both male and female, feel happier with intimate care from someone of the same sex. It's not comparable to silly examples like pilots or chefs because a pilot/chef isn't going to be checking your cervix/watching you shit yourself (at least not on the flights and restaurants I've experienced).

It's not sexist or unreasonable. It's your birth OP, and your comfort with the situation is the most important factor.

YANBU

I wrote in my birthplan that I wanted absolutely no males other then DH in the room during delivery and had only female caregivers present (OB -Gyn, 2 anesthesists and a midwife and a couple of nurses). My body, my delivery, my choice who is involved in that (I am not in the UK and I gave birth at a private hospital where patients wishes are highly respected). It felt great to have all female energy in the room and I don’t think I would have felt so comfortable with a male doctor/nurse/midwife being present.
My yoga teacher (who has prepped me on breathing techniques during birth) also told me that females present during birth can help to make the delivery easy as appearently their presence stimulates the amount of hormones that speed up the delivery proces.

Comparison to a racist white person rejecting care from an Asian HCP is faulty. It's more like a person from a ethnic minority rejecting care from a white HCP, because they don't trust white HCPs due to past experiences of racism.

Yes to this.

Dinosauratemydaffodils

I’m sorry to hear things were so shit for you dinosaur.

I guess at the same time though, if a male midwife was the only midwife available and you refused care, you don’t know how badly things could have ended for your labour. So either way there were risks, the only way to have gotten rid of them would be for places to only employ female midwives and doctors and anaesthetists on labour wards and to try and guarantee an exactly 50/50 staffing of male and female in other areas of healthcare (and over staff, in case multiple people had the same preference at the same time). Which doesn’t seem feasible either, especially when it’s a struggle to recruit staff in the first place!

I would hate for people to try convince the OP that she can both refuse a male midwife AND be guaranteed/entitled to a female one, unless her unit has informed her that’s the case.

Hmm. It is sexist, if you cannot give any reason other than their gender as to why you don't want them as your midwife. Lets not pretend it is anything but sexism. We are socially conditioned from an early age that nurses are female, and so I think this is where this is coming from. These are professionally trained staff, with the same training as any female midwives.

I had 2 male paramedics at my son's birth. They were wonderful and caring. Its good to discuss these issues though - really challenge your own views, and see if there is a way to rethink the way you feel.

However it’s not a great reflection of equality that a member or staff is stopped from doing their job based purely on their gender. But like I said it’s your birth, and put it in your notes if you want to!

First of all, it’s sex not gender, secondly no one should ever be put in a position where they are expected to permit someone of the opposite sex to touch them in an intimidate area because of ‘equality’ and thirdly, when men’s rates drop to the same level as women’s when it comes to murder, assaults and sexual crimes, then women could reasonably feel more relaxed in vulnerable situations. While males continue to sexually repress women, including in healthcare settings, then there will never be true equality.

OP have you thought of ringing the unit to discuss your concerns ahead of time? They’ll be able to help you weigh up your options I think. On a thread all you’ll get is people saying you’re BU or not BU for your preference (which I get is what you’re seeking) but nobody’s opinions will influence whether or not you’ll actually be able to safely demand a female midwife/refuse a male midwife without adverse effects on your care. We don’t know what their staffing is.

Here we go again! With the usual minimising, sneering, handmaid behaviour, and wildly incorrect juxtapositions. YANBU. You don't need to justify why you do not want a person of the opposite sex giving you intimate medical care. Your body is not a teaching instrument if you don't consent to that so you can say no students. You do not have to allow anyone you don't want to access to your body and you don't need a reason, just NO is enough. It doesn't make you a bad person in any way. Sex is a protected characteristic.

Tell them now.

YANBU

Of course YANBU. However I’ve found with both my births the on duty doctors and consultants have been men. I’m not sure how you’d get around this without refusing care (which would be ill advised if your in a position where you need doctor or consultant care). ? It’s not like they can get the female consultant to come in because one patient wants them to. I would prepare for every eventuality.

There is nothing sexist about not wanting a male between your legs. You are giving birth and should be as comfortable as possible. I had a male nurse for my first smear test and sat in the car after for 15 minutes crying

So you’d prefer a female student deliver your baby rather than a fully qualified male? Strange...

really challenge your own views, and see if there is a way to rethink the way you feel.

Wow! Maybe she should go for a bit of electric shock therapy just to right her ‘wrong thinking’.

Women feeling uncomfortable around male HCPs isn't a great reflection of equality, no. Because it stems from male violence. It is a consequence of a wider societal problem. And no, not all men are like that. But enough are.

I requested no male midwife and asked if they needed to be intervention for there to be no students for my own anxiety issues. My consultant was female but I was warned I may have a male consultant as they couldn't guarantee that. I was completely fine with that. You deserve to be comfortable.

Slothmama. I'm torn too, hence asking. But I do think now seeing that giving birth is so intimate, me being comfortable and relaxed takes priority over my ideology of gender equality (only in this case!). If they could only zap.out a baby with some machine that required no intimate exams or seeing me half naked and vulnerable, I'd be letting everyone have a go!

Like I said before, I feel rubbish for feeling this way especially as I know these men are constantly having to battle stereotypes and prejudices on a daily basis. I'm just happy for them that this is a total non issue for some women. Just this particular woman, and some others on here, it is an issue. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about not wanting a male stranger poking around in and looking at my vagina. I've had some excellent advice and have enjoyed reading all these experiences. Obviously, over anything, the baby's life takes priority, that goes without saying. If anything were to go wrong and an emergency did arise, the doctors could be male, female, human, Black, white, gay..... But for my labour process, I would just love to have female (don't care on race or sexual orientation or hair colour before anyone implies) care in my ideal scenario.

Labour and birth can be such an exposed and vulnerable time. Your midwife is likely to see you naked, in pain, on your back with legs open naked from the waist down, insert her fingers into your vagina to check progress (possibly more than once), clean you up if you poo and so on.

How can people not understand that many women are not comfortable with that person being a man?

Also to add that at least ONE FIFTH of women who give birth have some history of rape/sexual abuse. So at my local hospital maternity unit that’s 100 women per MONTH who go through the doors with that trauma.

YABVU angry I’m actually quite cross because this is entirely a sexist way of thinking!

i totally agree with that!

Yabu.