AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

The absolute fucking state of some posters sticking the boot into a woman who has suffered healthcare related trauma in the past and is trying to make the decisions that will give her the best chance of a safe labour.

When they're receiving medical care, yes. Hilarious that someone not only asked this but seems to think it works as an effective gotcha.

Yup. For Pete's sake, what the heck?!

If the OP had said she was a Muslim lady and didn't want a male midwife for religious reasons, would that have made a difference?

If so, why?

I think it's up to the OP if she doesn't want a male HCP and her reasons are irrelevant. It should be her choice.

YABVVU-Would you also want to defend someone objecting to a lesbian midwife?

Lesbians aren't men you homophobe.

YANBU at all. I've got to a point in my life now where I will refuse males for any kind of intimate procedure without giving a toss what anybody thinks, it's taken me a long time to get there though due to women often being conditioned to not make a fuss.

My vagina is not subject to equality legislation thank you very much.

I mean, honestly. Is a patient's health the most important thing? Well, I dunno, perhaps the purpose of hospitals is to make the people who work in them feel emotionally validated and the health of the patients is just a kind of nice to have but not really that important secondary concern.

FFS

I am a female healthcare professional. Sometimes men don't want me to do help wash them, change their catheter or even talk to me about topics they feel are personal (and one persons idea of personal can be very different to another).

I am not offended, actually it barely registers with me other than the thought to go and find someone they are comfortable with.

Nobody is questioning my skill, compassion, intellect etc. If they said I want a man because he is smarter than you or that I am not skilled because I am female that would annoy me ( although still the patient can decline my care, that is their right regardless of whether it offends me).

The male midwives really won't mind, they won't take it personally and won't give it a second thought/judge you. You will be far from the first person to have made the request.

It isn't sexist either. You know some jobs are exempt from the rules of advertising eg. personal home care for a man, you can specify male carer only, same for female if the person receiving the care chooses. Theres a reason for that! Intimate care is recognised as something where having a male/female should be a choice and you can't get much more intimate than childbirth.

You have no reason to feel bad. It's fab that some people don't mind either way, but you are not unreasonable if you do mind. Do what makes you comfortable.

"My vagina is not subject to equality legislation thank you very much"..... THIS is going in my birth plan when I request a female midwife!!!
Genius!!

Haven't read the full thread but I'd say YANBU as it's your body, so your choice - whatever makes you feel comfortable.

The only thing I would say (which I'm sure someone else will have pointed out) is that if you need intervention it may be a male doctor and you won't really have a choice then. In my experience (two past labours requiring assistance and currently pregnant) the majority of ob/gyn consultants are male.

Thanks anxiouswaiting, was good to hear from a HCP's perspective

okay so-

A 17-year-old girl who has been raped and needs to intimately examined for evidence, is it reasonable she requests a female nurse/dr for this procedure?

An elderly woman who requires help at home with bathing, using the toilet and so on, is it unreasonable for her to request a female?

A 16-year-old girl who has just come out of an unhealthy abusive relationship with an older man and needs to be screened for STDs, is it unreasonable if she wants a female nurse?

A Muslim woman needs to have her cervical smear test, would be unreasonable to request a female on cultural and religious grounds?

I mean, honestly. Is a patient's health the most important thing?

Yes it is, so if a woman knows she will not be able to relax in childbirth with a male HCP potentially performing intimate examinations and tasks, she should say so in order to minimise the risk of failure to progress and potential for needing intervention.

You can request it. However what if there are none available when you give birth.

What if the midwife you have has to see to others whilst your in labour. Mine did as it went on a few hours.

The elephant in the room of course is that male doctors are infinitely more likely to abuse their position to sexually assault their patients.

Exactly. Why do people think that because someone has obtained a qualification there is suddenly no chance of them being a predator?

If you look at the statistics, you will see that ALL doctors are infinitely more likely to NOT abuse their position to abuse or assault their patients in any way.

Yes, of the minority of abusers, more of them tend to be male, but this is the same attitude that people have to male nursery workers, childcarers and teachers and it just serves to restrict and frustrate men AND women, who are told their place and not encouraged to strive for excellence, use their skills and follow their passions purely because of their sex.
You're a man? You shouldn't become a nursery worker? Why would you want to unless you're a pervert? It's a woman's job.
You're a woman? No, building is men's work, really. Are you just wanting to eye up the hunky topless workmen? Why don't you become a teacher instead? Women are better and safer with children - that would be a much more suitable job for you.

Does that mean that, as their comfort is paramount, they can quite reasonably request 'no black or Asian doctors, please' (or vice versa)?

It's so disingenuous to suggest that is anything like not wanting to be naked in front of someone who is not the same race. If you think it is the same thing why are there single sex changing rooms? Would you want to be naked in front of strange men in a changing room at your swimming pool ?Why are women supposed to feel differently because someone has passed some exams.

I was simply replying to the assertion that patient comfort was paramount – not saying that the two situations were the same thing. My white Grandmother is approaching 100 and does have irrational racist views, which are not uncommon amongst people of her generation, to the point where a non-white HCP would make her feel uncomfortable.

I wish it didn't make me uncomfortable having a male midwife. I know some are so amazing at their jobs. If it didn't involve my vagina and me being so vulnerable then I'd be more than willing. For me though, the intimate nature of giving birth, I know I wouldn't be able to relax in their presence.

But, with respect, OP, your dental care doesn’t involve your vagina or any other parts that a male dentist wouldn't have himself and you’ve already said that you’d also much prefer a female dentist to a male dentist.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

I completely agree.

Where has this sudden obsession with the idea that women must embrace all the male HCPs with our vaginas lest we hurt their delicate feelings come from? It's bizarre. Women have been able to ask for a female HCP for a long time. Obviously in a genuine life threatening emergency it's all hands on deck but for things that are planned there is absolutely no reason why anyone should not have a preference for a same sex HCP, or that their preference shouldn't be accommodated.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - the dental thing is unrelated and stems from incidents that happened to me between the ages of 8-11 while alone with a male dentist. I think I'm well and truly justified to not want to choose a male dentist. I had seen one since (during adulthood) and explained that eveb though he was fantastic, it triggered the past events for me. That is not at all relevant though to my question about refusing a male midwife.

Well, I dunno, perhaps the purpose of hospitals is to make the people who work in them feel emotionally validated and the health of the patients is just a kind of nice to have but not really that important secondary concern.

Again, if she wants a female dentist why can't she have one? It's not as if male dentists are an endangered species and are about to be put out of business by her choice.

I'm always amazed how women can get so vicious when another woman asks for female HCP. Why get so angry? Why do you care?

It's similar to any cervical screening thread. If a person chooses not to screen , you can sit back and watch the fallout. It's like lighting the blue touch paper. The anger and the hate that is voiced by women about other women is unbelievable.

I had a male student doctor observing when my first was born along with a student midwife (female). It honestly was fine - male midwives would have seen it all before and tbh, having subsequently had a truly shit one, I’d rather have a GOOD midwife who can deliver my baby safely over any gender preference.

I think it was the junior doctor’s first birth but he honestly was so helpful, encouraging me to push etc. He came to visit us in the anti-natal ward the next day. I think he was made-up as most women would refuse, the actual midwife in charge of the birth nearly chucked him out as she didn’t realise he had my permission to be there 😂. It was such a lovely experience and I felt totally at ease...I don’t think doctors, nurses, midwives etc think about lady bits in that way - it’s purely medical.

But, with respect, OP, your dental care doesn’t involve your vagina or any other parts that a male dentist wouldn't have himself and you’ve already said that you’d also much prefer a female dentist to a male dentist.

I assume, correct me if I’m wrong OP, it’s the fact that the OP is lying down on a chair with the physically stronger male leaning over her, in very close proximity, in physical contact and also that feeling of being unable to ‘escape’ in the event of an assault. Just my take on it, but a perfectly reasonable feeling of vulnerability, if someone has had a bad physical or sexual experience with a person if the opposite sex. Women are told to trust their instincts, until it comes to hurting a man’s feeling, because that’s sexist, you know. 😒

YANBU. I can't imagine a hospital would be unable to accommodate this (emergency procedure withstanding), as surely female midwives are the overwhelming majority?

But I might add I also think YANBU - it’s your birth, you need to feel comfortable, it’s up to you. I’m sure a male midwife would understand.

Oh and obviously the birth wasn’t actually lovely but having him there made it so much better.

Sorry, OP I’m a slow typist and cross posted. I’m so sorry for what you went through Hellofromtheotherside2020. Abuser are absolute bastards.

We builtthisbuffet people are free to choose which dentist they prefer at my dental practice, no reasons need to be given. So it's perfectly acceptable to request a male or female dentist. It doesn't bother me personally, but many people already find going to the dentist frightening and traumatic, so I can imagine a person who might have suffered trauma or abuse at the hands of a man might find that preferable.
No of course YANBU, OP. Some people on this thread don't seem to understand what sexism is. It doesn't mean that female patients should be obliged to accept intimate care from a male so that he doesn't feel discriminated against.