AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

Dinosauratemydaffodils

I’m sorry that you feel that way, but yes, I think that’s the only way I would find it acceptable for someone to specify a HCP based on sex in an acute care setting.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

That is what I think. If it offends you, I’m sorry about that.

Comparison to a racist white person rejecting care from an Asian HCP is faulty.

It's more like a person from a ethnic minority rejecting care from a white HCP, because they don't trust white HCPs due to past experiences of racism.

I don’t find it reasonable to specify the sex of a HCP without reason.

So you're happy with forcing traumatised women to explain/relive it in order to access medical care? As Carriemac's post shows, that could/would make healthcare inaccessible to some women. I don't find that reasonable, and I do find it deeply sexist.

So you're happy with forcing traumatised women to explain/relive it in order to access medical care?

No, but I think it would be acceptable for it to be a question asked during antenatal care: “Do you, as a result of previous trauma, require a female HCP to assist you?” Or similar.

I had a male midwife AND a male student for my second baby's birth. I found them both professional, competent, reassuring and wonderful. Male midwives is a good thing! Equality for all!

Despite that though, you're well within your rights and not at all unreasonable to request a female midwife OP. Giving birth is such a vulnerable place to be in, you deserve everything you need to be as comfortable as possible. Go ahead with no fears.

When men have issues with women being in positions of responsibility, it’s usually because of preconceived notions about the woman’s competence. When women have concerns about men in similar positions, it’s more likely to be about abuse of authority, especially when the woman is in a particularly vulnerable position (e.g. semi-naked and giving birth). It’s not the same thing.

This! ^

If it offends you, I’m sorry about that.

No you’re not. You’re not one bit sorry, or you wouldn’t be insisting that women relive past trauma by letting medical staff know about previous sexual abuse. You really don’t care about women’s wellbeing. You’re the incredibly sexist and misogynistic one, not the OP.

males in the vicinity of women giving birth can cause labour to slow down/stall LOL! My daughter was born in 45 minutes. If male midwives present was causing her to slow down I can only be grateful for that :o

Although to be serious about it.. I doubt it's much to do with midwives being male, and more to do with the mother potentially being a bit stressed about it.

Yabu

@AppropriateAdult
Exactly, it's all about the balance of power and the subsequent risks that exist for the disempowered. It is highly unlikely that a man would be fearful of woman in a position of responsibility because realistically she is extremely unlikely to represent any serious threat to him.

@Busybeebeebee you’re not one for being feminist? What exactly does that mean? You think it’s ok to discriminate on the basis of sex?

You’ve come on here to comment that it’s not ok to discriminate against male midwives but say you’re not a feminist so it must be ok to discriminate against women.

Madness.

To the OP, you say you “know” you will have a problem with a male midwife because you’ve already had 3 kids and you cared about who was in the room. However, oh didn’t actually have a male midwife with your previous kids so how could you know you would not feel comfortable with it?

I was going to ask the same thing. Of course race and sex are different things, but the suggestion was that the patient's comfort was always all that mattered. An inherently racist patient probably would feel very uncomfortable at the idea of being treated by somebody of a different race. Does that mean that, as their comfort is paramount, they can quite reasonably request 'no black or Asian doctors, please' (or vice versa)?

It's so disingenuous to suggest that is anything like not wanting to be naked in front of someone who is not the same race. If you think it is the same thing why are there single sex changing rooms? Would you want to be naked in front of strange men in a changing room at your swimming pool ?Why are women supposed to feel differently because someone has passed some exams.

Damntheman - I do agree, having male midwives is an amazing thing and it definitely takes a special kind of man who wants to empower women and assist them bringing new life into this world.
I wish it didn't make me uncomfortable having a male midwife. I know some are so amazing at their jobs. If it didn't involve my vagina and me being so vulnerable then I'd be more than willing. For me though, the intimate nature of giving birth, I know I wouldn't be able to relax in their presence. I know that could then impact the process of giving birth. I'm glad to read you had such a positive experience

I'm not sexist though, I know that. Outside of anything medical, I would have no gender preference. Male or female pilots, I don't care. Male or female builders, or shop workers, no preference. Just when it comes to my body, I prefer female care because it makes me feel less vulnerable.

To be fair, OP, that's not !quite what you said in your first post. You said Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help! which suggests to me a bigger issue with male authority, perhaps as well as an issue around medical vulnerability, which are two different things.

You should be able to express a preference I think, but it may come down to availability at the time of course. How would you deal with it if the male midwives are the only ones available?

“Do you, as a result of previous trauma, require a female HCP to assist you?” Or similar.

So you think it's perfectly reasonable to insist women have to document their previous trauma in order to have a female healthcare profession? What if they want privacy? Is that not allowed?

It’s not just if your own delivery becomes an emergency.

If other patients’ deliveries become complicated, they may not be able to switch staff around to suit your preferences.

YANBU to request, but you need to remember it’s not guaranteed.

What would happen if all the women giving birth that day made the same request? The female midwives can’t do all the work themselves while the male midwives sit in the staff room all day...

You’re obviously entitled to ask for a female, but you can’t expect it to be honoured if staffing levels/other labours etc. mean a male midwife is the only person available to be assigned to you. Well, you could refuse to allow him to care for you I guess but it’d be incredibly short sighted and potentially dangerous for you or the baby.

What you can’t do is refuse a perfectly qualified clinician based on their sex and then complain if you don’t receive an immediate replacement by a female midwife. So it’s up to you, but like many situations while you are entitled to refuse care you’re not entitled to demand it (and it may not be able to be magicked up anyway).

I’d have a good long thing about your priorities here and hopefully you’ll reach a point where you express a preference but understand it may not be met, sounds harsh but in a busy maternity unit the priority is delivering babies safely for mother and baby and stuff like trying to stipulate the characteristics of your caregiver are secondary. As they should be!

No, but I think it would be acceptable for it to be a question asked during antenatal care: “Do you, as a result of previous trauma, require a female HCP to assist you?” Or similar.

Give me one good reason why? Is it so they don’t appear sexist or hurt the feelings of the male staff, because that’s what you’re implying. Why should a woman have to tell them something she may never ever had told to anybody throughout her entire life. Have you ANY idea the wounds that just speaking those words can do to a traumatised woman? Have you ever worked with rape and sexual abuse victims?

I can’t believe that women are, at the most vulnerable time of their lives, expected to give a reason for why they don’t want males to touch her and have others judge whether it’s a good enough one. It sickening manipulation and bullying of females, but that’s ok because apparently being viewed as sexist is worse. 😒

Of course you're not being unreasonable!

Congratulations and best of luck with your new baby

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would be the same. And I also prefer to see a female doctor for some conditions. I am upset that My GP practice that had 2 female doctors now doesn't have any. For some issues I just prefer to talk to and be examined by a woman.

I’m not going to get into a giant row over this. This is what I think.

@churchandstate
No, but I think it would be acceptable for it to be a question asked during antenatal care: “Do you, as a result of previous trauma, require a female HCP to assist you?” Or similar
If this ludicrous system was implemented then I can imagine that many women (including myself) would be forced to manufacture a previous trauma in order to guarantee their preference was treated seriously. What a terrible system! If it wasn't that big of a deal and didn't matter then women wouldn't have such strong preferences, the simple fact that these strong preferences do exist should be enough to prove that this does matter to women and therefore should be taken seriously. It's so patronising to assume you know better and that the silly women will just have to get over themselves unless they have suffered some terrible trauma. Awful misogyny!

Yanbu at all.

Also, if people absolutely must make analogies with racism here, the appropriate comparison is a black or Asian person who doesn't feel comfortable with a white healthcare provider. Get the power dynamics right.

Also not sure what you plan to do if a different medic is needed who is male: perhaps a doctor or consultant or anaesthetist or someone to carry out stitches or whatnot, you may be okay knowing that the doctors employed are all female but people go off sick and have cover drafted in so there may be male doctors on shift anyway.

Just think you’re being a tad unrealistic but as long as you accept you’d be only putting yourself at risk by trying to stick to this rigidly it’s very much your right to do so.

There is nothing remotely unacceptable or sexist about people of either sex requesting a same sex HCP for intimate care.

This. It is fine. And yes, it does matter more in childbirth than in any other situation - far, far more. At the end of the day, I might feel stressed and uncomfortable with a male HCP being involved in certain tasks, but they would still get done and the only issue would be my feelings. But in childbirth? No, I would not want my labour to stall and me to end up with a c-section because I was pumping out cortisol and unable to relax enough to dilate properly because I was stressed at having a male HCP I did not want touching me.

A good birth experience requires a space in which the person giving birth feels as relaxed and supported as possible and this makes intervention less likely. That hasn't been rocket science for quite some time now.

I wouldn't want an unrelated male in the room, ideally - and I would definitely bar a male midwife. Personal choice and a valid one. Other women might be MORE comfortable with a male. But it's no less valid a choice for your comfort and peace of mind than wanting a water birth.