AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

I've been thinking about what I'll think if I get a male midwife. I'm not sure, to be honest.
I certainly think men should be allowed to be midwives, and I've worked in childcare before, where men can be unfairly stereotyped in that way.
But at the same time I'd probably feel more comfortable with female midwives.
I'm not going to make any requests as I'll probably end up with female midwives anyway, but I certainly think it's up to the individual. After all it's your lady parts the baby is coming out of, you should get the final say.

DF was a GP and I knew his respectful attitude to female patients so I've never had problems with male HCPs performing smears, etc.

But I know a lot of women do and I wholeheartedly endorse their right to be examined by female HCPs.

Interestingly, one of the things DF said was that sometimes if a woman doctor has never had painful periods she will be dismissive of female patients who do have problems. He, OTOH, never having had personal experience, assumed that women were telling the truth.

This conversation arose because he was in a group practice and had a female partner who had a track record of upsetting women patients. She'd had easy deliveries so women who hadn't were neurotic. She made one friend of mine cry. Bloody unpleasant woman and not a popular GP.

I've had both types of female HCP give me a smear test. My current practice is really good. But I'd still rather a woman do any intimate procedures, whatever treatment I get from a female HCP.

How would you feel if, in your job, if a man said he didn’t want a woman?

In my job the first meeting with a client always includes a point where I explain that if they would like to see someone different, they can, and they don't have to give a reason.

This is because I work in the NHS, where patient welfare is the top priority.

Anyone can request a change of hcp at any time, for any reason. You do not have to give a reason.

Luckily, the people on this thread who think that patients should have no choice in who treats them would be unlikely to ever get jobs in the NHS, because they have shown an inability to put patient needs first.

OP, I know you're not an NHS patient so sorry for being irrelevant to your thread. But I hope you get the birth you want, and that all the HCPs around you treat you with respect and compassion.

@woodchuck99 yep me too, forceps in theatre in with a ton of people and I found that aspect humiliating and cared very much.

OP it's also fine to care about privacy and dignity in labour too. You always get people saying "you won't care about that at the time". It's fine if those people don't care but some of us do.

My first birth I had maybe 20 people at the end because the baby's heartrate kept dropping. However I had as much of my body covered as I could. I had a sheet over me unless they needed to see what was happening.

My second one they took me on the bed to the delivery room as I nearly delivered on the ward so wouldn't have made it in time. I had a dress on but no underwear so I asked the midwife to pass me the sheet. "Oh don't worry about that we've seen it all before". My partner covered me over with it because he knew I didn't want everyone up and down the corridors to see my vulva if my dress rode up or something! ! Some women even like to be naked....fine but don't tell others they won't care about their own dignity.

Yanbu op I agree with you. If that makes me sexist, tough shit I dont care. Its your body, your experience and your choice. You dont need to justify yourself. I've had a csection and my doctor was Male. I was more than happy as it was a controlled, calm experience over very quickly and I didn't need to worry about my privacy and feeling uncomfortable. If it were a natural birth going on for hours and me in pain the last thing I want is a Male midwive.

YANBU

I would have been absolutely horrified if a male midwife had turned up for any of my births! No history of abuse, I would just be uncomfortable getting my pants off in front of a man other than DH. Even in labour. I really cared who was there. I’m not a fan of nudity and I wasn’t keen to get naked as it was!!

We’ve got a older male friend who’s had lots of bowel problems and he always asks my husband rather than me to help him go to the toilet etc - am I offended?? No! Do I feel less valued to him as a friend - nope. I feel a bit useless but his comfort is 10000x more important than my feelings.

I’m really depressed by how many people think it’s unreasonable to ask for same sex HCP when it concerns an intimate area. Just.... wow.

Good luck with your birth OP. Hope you have a lovely (all female!) team who you feel safe and comfortable with, and that everything goes super smoothly for you.

I’ve NC’d for this, because it’s possibly a bit outing...
Ok, I am possibly making a huge mistake in posting here, but as a midwife who is male, I can say that you are not being unreasonable. None of you who have objections to a male midwife are. Whatever your reasons, they are valid because they are yours. I’ve been a midwife for nearly 20 years, looked after heaven knows how many women, and maybe 30% have declined my care. Some antenatally, some during labour and some postnatally. Some of them have done so for cultural reasons, some because of abuse, some for their own personal reasons. I will never be upset if you say you don’t want me to look after you. I always ask if it’s ok for me to be there and if the woman so much as pauses before answering, I’ll find another midwife. If there is an obvious reason, I won’t even go in the room. The fact is, it’s your birth. The midwife is only there because we are invited by you, whether they are male or female. If I don’t have a place in your ideal birth, then I’ve no right to be there. So, no YANBU.

Emptybox You have the right attitude, but may I suggest that you ask a female member of staff to ask if you can attend? If you read through many posts on relationships, you will see that many women are socialised to put their own feelings last. So although some will agree, that doesn’t actually mean that they’re comfortable with saying no, simply because of female socialisation and the wish, not to appear unreasonable or hurt your feelings.

I'm one of those who wouldn't mind a male midwife. I also had a H-F/midcavity forceps birth first time round. The consultant, a woman, came and asked me if I would mind 4 students she had chosen to observe, 2 male, to which again, I had no objection. Don't mind male HCPs at all and I was raped by a date/acquaintance many years ago. But my consent is mine and not for me to give away for other people (male or female, my husband requested only male HCPs for his vasectomy and did not want a female observing it, a request to which no one batted an eyelid).

People should not be forced to accept non-emergency treatment or access to their bodies from someone, anyone, with whom they do not feel comfortable. NO ONE should have access to your body without your consent.

And NO ONE should be shamed, bullied or cajoled into this because they had sex.

Or for any reason. You are not a bridge that, because someone once crossed it, everyone should be able to do so. And you do not have to justify to it anyone or even give a reason, other than 'No'.

Yanbu I request a female gp when I'm having a medical issue regarding my af. And that's just diagnosing prescribing medication. Let alone when giving birth. It's not a being sexist thing it's a what do I feel comfortable with thing.

Exactly, GoGo. It's consent, and consenting access to your body to those whom you feel comfortable with. Consent to access one's body is never wrong or sexist or bigoted.

TFUfamily, I try to do that. I generally try if possible, to look at her notes, though it’s not always possible. I think experience gives you a feel for who is going to object. It sometimes hacks off the coordinator when I raise the issue of women objecting, but I’d rather piss my colleagues off that make a woman uncomfortable because she doesn’t want me but doesn’t feel able to say. As I said, every midwife should bear in mind the issue of women objecting, and I think it’s sad that not all my colleagues do. And don’t get me started on consent...

Every practitioner should ask, regardless of their gender, it’s just basic respect. I have to say I’m not perfect, sometimes there just isn’t the opportunity but I do it as much as I can. And if I get the feeling I won’t be welcome, I always step aside.

Emptybox thank you for being respectful of female boundaries and being understanding enough not to take to heart being turned down! I'm sure your qualities of empathy and objectivity make you an excellent midwife

What has gender got to do with gynaecolgoy and obstetrics, cant believe I'm asking a medical person this ffs!

Yaniv just been refused treatment by a gynae, maybe gynaes want to use their expertise on wombs, cervix and ovaries, as per their training. I mean sexed genitals. Specialists in female genitals.

Oh wow emptybox thank you so much for coming on and posting from the other perspective. I have just woken up and your response has stood out to me. Your attitude tells me that you must be absolutely amazing in your role.

My brother is a doctor in an emergency department in NY and even in emergency situations he has had females (and males!) requesting someone else. He's not offended, because the only adult who can consent to their own body being touched by a stranger is themselves.

I honestly know it does take a really special person (yes, perhaps a few exceptions to this) to become a midwife, whether male or female. I'm in awe of the hard work and dedication you all put in to make a woman central to the experience, unlike perhaps Drs and consultants who are more there with the viewpoint of getting things done. As I said before, I wish the sex of the midwife wouldn't even be an issue for me, but unfortunately it is. I don't need to be ashamed of that. When the staff are as professional as you appear to me and don't take offence (just like I don't in my role when someone prefers a male colleague) it's great.

Oh and crazily enough, it's only the actual labour and delivery that I don't like the idea of another male being present. Post partum and antenatal I've got absolutely no issues with (unless it involved checking stitches or having a sweep, though in previous pregnancies I had neither do was irrelevant).

Every practitioner should ask, regardless of their gender, it’s just basic respect

Earlier this year I had a serious GI bleed. Was taken down for a colonoscopy to try to find the site of the bleeding. For whatever reason the consultant (who I've seen regularly for 5 years now so was well known to me) decided not to use any sedation. The pain was excruciating and I remember saying no stop repeatedly. Eventually the nurse in the room stepped forward to stop the consultant but they were clearly very annoyed. Some hcps simply don't think they need to obtain consent from patients and that's so very wrong.

I've had several incidents of hcps asking me to get undressed but staying in the room with me. On seeing me hesitate they've then asked if I wanted them to leave. That completely fails to recognise the power imbalance. They shouldn't ask, they should just leave unless the patient needs assistance. On each of these occasions the hcp has been female. That's why I prefer male hcps - ime they are very careful about obtaining consent and about maintaining boundaries whereas female hcps appear to lack awareness or simply just don't care.

A cervix is not part of your 'gender'

Basics

@dontalltalkatonce I think it’s the law that you’re asked permission before any student/students are allowed to be present

I think it’s the law that you’re asked permission before any student/students are allowed to be present

If it is there seem to be a lot of folks who either don't know so or don't care.