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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 04/12/2019 09:35

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily well how inconsiderate of them! 7am, what a liberty!

OP posts:
Ereshkigal · 04/12/2019 09:36

Isn't it odd that he's counted them? How resentful.

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 04/12/2019 09:39

I have had other patients who were shocked to see a man; there was one who didn’t say anything, but the look of total shock on her face was very funny

Oh yes, so hilarious when you know you're making someone uncomfortable knowing they are too uncomfortable to speak up and voice their discomfort. He's proud of that?!!

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 04/12/2019 09:39

Well, isn’t he an odious, creepy individual, Ereshkigal. Yuck. To think that he gets his jollies upsetting women at such a vulnerable time.

woodchuck99 · 04/12/2019 10:18

Personally in most situations (not thinking of abuse survivors here for example), I find it hard to get my head around the idea of not wanting a perfectly qualified and pleasant male HCP in a hospital setting, but can understand 1-1 or home visits feeling more awkward and something someone may want to turn down.

I can't get my head around the fact that women who probably normally wouldn't want to be even be naked in front of a male stranger let a lone naked with their legs apart suddenly feel differently when that person has passed a few exams.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/12/2019 10:19

Funny how on these threads, the anecdotes of male midwives paint them as saviours, stepping in and saving the day, being the absolute best ever, with people thanking God and their lucky stars for them every day of their lives ever since. It's never just indifference or 'yeah it was ok, he got the job done'. Never hear that level of indebted gratitude applied to female midwives, only the opposite.
(I can very well believe the horror stories involving female midwives btw, I've been there myself. But I don't see why everyone goes the extra mile in praising males and to hammer it home, talk about how neglectful women can be).

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2019 10:24

sagradafamiliar
I think people comment on it maybe from a position of surprise

For example, one of my friends waxed lyrical about an amazing student midwife who she said was fabulous, really caring and she felt listened to her more. She had no criticism of the other midwives but she noticed the student midwife more, maybe because you'd expect them to be less experienced.

I've also noticed the same with trainee teachers, that some stand out more because you're almost not expecting them to be as understanding etc.

Maybe it's the same with male midwives. Because we subconsciously think of it as a woman's job, we risk thinking a man won't be as good and then when he is we notice it as a pleasant surprise.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 04/12/2019 10:26

If a nake helped with the conception, what’s the problem with a male helping with the delivery?

They are totally different things. The man I've been with for almost 20 years, who helped me recover from being raped, who knows what my triggers are, who understands what I'm afraid of and is still careful around my boundaries versus a complete stranger (dr not midwife) whose first move is to stroke my hair out of my eyes whilst I'm in agony and then comment to dh about what a good job I've done minimising my stretch marks. There is a reason why I've managed to conceive children with one and the other completely retriggered my trauma, contributing to my psychotic break and costing the NHS a fortune in mental health retreatment for something I thought I'd already put in the past.

How would you feel if, in your job, if a man said he didn’t want a woman?

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I used to work with homeless people. When the gay man fleeing domestic violence asked for a male support worker it didn't bother me at all. Why should I take his "I'd feel more comfortable discussing everything with a man" at anything other than face value. After all, forcing the issue isn't very "supportive" is it? My male colleagues were also fine with a variety of people, another man fleeing dv, a trans woman and loads of women asking for a female worker as we did primarily lone home visits.

53rdWay · 04/12/2019 10:28

How would you feel if, in your job, if a man said he didn’t want a woman?

I have had exactly that happen in my old job. Because it was giving personal care and involved eg washing and helping people dress, I said "of course, no problem" and one of my male colleagues assisted that gentleman instead.

Ereshkigal · 04/12/2019 10:47

If a nake helped with the conception, what’s the problem with a male helping with the delivery?

That is quite a breathtakingly fatuous comment in the line of "I bet you have a gender neutral toilet in your house".

Sagradafamiliar · 04/12/2019 10:50

Possibly, Lola. I can see that makes sense. Maybe that goes hand in hand with something else I've noticed, which is when a man does something, he only needs to do it adequately and it's suddenly deemed oh so impressive. So man does bare minimum= wow wow wow! woman does bare minimum= she could've pulled her finger out a bit more, she could've smiled a bit more etc.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 04/12/2019 10:54

If a nake helped with the conception, what’s the problem with a male helping with the delivery?

I can never ever imagine a woman coming out with that line.
It reminds of the poor prostitutes getting laughed out of the police stations, when they tried to report a rape, because men paid them money to use their bodies for sex. If one man gets access to your body, why shouldn’t they all? Yuck.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/12/2019 10:58

It's too sad to think that consent is so radical a concept that it would never enter someone's mind when asking such a question as 'well a male helped conceive the child, why can't one help deliver it?' you have to worry or hope they aren't for real.

dontalltalkatonce · 04/12/2019 11:00

As women we are raised to not make a fuss, to be nice and submit. Well tough none of us can consent for another adult. You may feel happy with a male HCP but others do not and should not be shamed for it.

This! No matter how much some try to merail or the number of personal anecdotes or even the suggestion that if you have sex with a man to create a child you should therefore open your legs for any and all as long as it's to do with delivery (going back to the paradigm that women were seen as incubators and vessels once they are pregnant). No one has the right to give away the consent another person has (a fundamental right) to determine who touches their body.

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2019 11:05

Sagradafamiliar
I think you're right. Not to derail but I find it ridiculous that people have told me I'm "lucky" DH cooks and cleans and does his fair share. One relative said "oh it's alright for you relaxing every evening whilst DH has your tea ready". I smile nicely and point out that this is how an equitable relationship works, we share the load and would they be saying the same if a wife was cooking and doing dishes every night.

I think some people have low expectation of men so when they are good in non traditionally masculine ways we notice it more and that's why there's perhaps more gushing over men doing a good job in typically female roles.

In the workplace that can find itself creeping in through bias, eg expecting less sympathy or care from male midwives/nurses, but having different expectations of male doctors (all subconsciously), or in primary schools always giving the token male teacher to year 5/6 and not early years. It's interesting.

easyandy101 · 04/12/2019 11:08

I can never ever imagine a woman coming out with that line.

I can't imagine anyone saying it with a straight face

Sagradafamiliar · 04/12/2019 11:19

Absolutely agree, Lola. I'd like to see the day where two adults adulting together is the acceptable standard, rather than for example, a man washing up after himself being seen as a treat for his partner.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 04/12/2019 11:31

I can't imagine anyone saying it with a straight face

That’s very true.

neonglow · 04/12/2019 11:38

Oh yes ‘does your husband help you with the housework ?’ right up there with ‘is your husband babysitting the kids tonight then?’ Angry

Sagradafamiliar · 04/12/2019 11:52

Grrrr! And don't get me started on school drop offs/pick ups...'ooh are you letting your wife put her feet up today?' nudge nudge, 'what a guy! Got herself a keeper there!' 'awwww bless him, what a great dad'.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/12/2019 12:17

I don’t think we should be able to specify the sex of a HCP Really? I work in care. My home has male and female carers. Some residents prefer men, some prefer women, some don't mind. None of the carers have ever been offended or thought of it as sexist. Good care should be person centred whether that's elderly care, care before/during/after pregnancy/illness etc etc.

Request what you feel comfortable with OP I will say though the postnatal care from a male was much nicer than from the females! I found the females to have a "I've done it and I was fine" attitude. Whereas the male couldn't begin to imagine what it was like but could empathise with being in pain etc.

SuperMeerkat · 04/12/2019 12:45

I truly wouldn’t have given a shit! When I had DS, I had a female midwife but he was finally delivered by ventouse by a male doctor. I’d given up caring by then as there were at least 8 people in the room 😂

Fizzygigs · 04/12/2019 12:47

I'd feel the same way!! YANBU

woodchuck99 · 04/12/2019 12:51

I’d given up caring by then as there were at least 8 people in the room

I was absolutely mortified by that when it happened to me.

TotalRecall · 04/12/2019 12:51

If a nake helped with the conception, what’s the problem with a male helping with the delivery?

Fuck me! No wonder rape culture is alive and well! Shock
If you give consent for one man to touch your body you should have no problem giving consent to any man?! I can’t believe you just typed that with your out loud fingers! I’m so embarrassed for you!