AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

It's like the zombie rage virus from 28 Days Later, spreading from one affected person to another. Why does the idea of women saying no to being treated by male HCPs provoke such anger? I've seen multiple examples of it recently and I'd love to know what sparked this (and where people got the idea that women aren't already allowed by the NHS to make tat request).

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

YANBU as you should be comfortable. But no point saying stuff like that at the same time - you can’t say you feel uncomfortable for no reason and then also say you think they’re great that’s a pretty backhand compliment I also agree with pp on a separate note - many gynaecologist are male. Many doctors and consultants are male. Many forceps deliveries and caesareans are performed by male staff... no one seems to bat an eyelid at that because they’re doctors and therefore more valued and respected by some...

There was a thread just a day or two ago querying why men go into gynaecology.

I do genuinely feel though it's great men can become midwives. Just because I personally don't want to be seen by one doesn't mean I don't think males would be amazing.
It's the same with a gyno too.... I would not want to be seen by one.

I think it's great there are people who race racing cars, does not mean for a second that I'd be comfortable sitting in the car with them while they race around. So I don't get your point. It's not a back handed compliment at all. I feel uncomfortable with something and am voicing that. Some women don't feel uncomfortable with it and that's amazing. I'd never dream of telling the women who'd be perfectly okay with it that they're unreasonable or perverted or promiscuous or anything like that.

I'd never dream of telling the women who'd be perfectly okay with it that they're unreasonable or perverted or promiscuous or anything like that

Quite an odd thing to say isn't it? Who has suggested that anyone who would accept a male midwife is any of those things?

You've clearly made your mind up already op, so what was the point of the thread? You had decided before posting that you wanted only female staff and that's your right so not sure what you wanted from the thread?

You asked if you were being unreasonable. Some have said no, some have said yes. We're all entitled to.our opinion and you asked us to give it.

I understand OP.

A few years ago I had to be referred to a gynaecologist for retrieval of my Mirena as it had gone floating about in my womb somewhere.

When I turned up it was a male gynaecologist and whilst we were chatting about my medical history etc I felt absolutely fine, but when he told me to strip from the waist down and put my legs up in the stirrups I felt very uncomfortable. He then proceeded to sit on a stool opposite my very open legs with a big light shining between them and I felt very vulnerable despite my DH being there and two female nurses.

The procedure hurt like hell and during it I wasn’t even aware or care who was prodding about between my legs, but prior to it, and after it, I still felt uneasy that it had been a male. I knew he was just doing a job and that logically I’d had nothing to worry about, but I still felt a little odd about it.

@TheProdigalKittensReturn - Delivery of a child has nothing to do with intimacy.

The NHS is overly stretched. If people start fussing about gender it takes the feminist fight (and yes, I’m proud to call myself a feminist) backwards.

Are people going to insist on a certain race as well?

And as for male doctors or consultants being "more respected", that doesn't apply at all to me. I'd still prefer a female giving me intimate care.

And sorry zebra that you had a traumatic time at the hands of female staff. But you know what, I'd be more comfortable with a female being rude and dismissive to me (who I know I'd be confident enough to voice my feelings to) than a male...even the nicest male, who I would never ever be comfortable with.

My vagina, therefore I choose who I'm comfortable looking at it or touching it. Am I supposed to just put my feelings aside, at the risk of being traumatised like some women who've commented on this thread, just because some women are okay with male HCPs?

I'm NOT okay with it. I've explained my reasons in later posts. It's got NOTHING to do with me thinking the males are incompetent or great health care providers. It's got NOTHING to do with me thinking they're sexual predators hidden behind a uniform and a qualification....it is because I would feel uncomfortable. And I will voice that with confidence and conviction. I deliberately picked this particular hospital maternity unit as they openly advertise that every single consultant and doctor and registrar is female. Like here in Oz we have an uber service ran exclusively by females. We have female only gyms. We have male only clubs. All of those places and situations are far less intimate than giving birth.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I was always taught that a medical professional is a medical professional and have never only gone to female doctors with “ladies problems”. I’ve had two children, both with interventions from male doctors. I didn’t care in the moment and still don’t. I think you’ve got to suck it up to be honest, but that’s not a popular opinion on this thread, I know

Ah I was wondering how long it would be. Being uncomfortable with a male performing medical care for certain things is not the same as someone dismissing care from someone based on their race. That's an absolutely disgusting comparison to suggest that people who are uncomfortable with the former are akin to those who would do the latter. Repulsive. It doesn't take the feminist fight backwards either, my brother had an op on his testes a while ago, he said he didn't want a woman to carry out the procedure; no one batted an eyelid or thought this was unacceptable or odd. I forget though as women we are supposed to just accept it, especially when the overwhelming majority of practicitioners are women anyway, so it's unlikely to cause untold mayhem and issues.

StarlightLady - we've already been there dozens of times already on this thread with the whole race thing.

I'm also not using the NHS.

Giving birth not intimate? The baby comes out if an intimate place. Not my elbow or nostril or finger. Even the NHS bangs on about how childbirth is an intimate experience. It IS intimate. Like intimate care involves genitalia....where the baby comes out from..... This is why women are offered a female nurse or chaperone when having intimate exams. Jeez.

No, denying women a choice that for some of them is vitally important and that may impact whether they feel able to access healthcare at all is deeply unfeminist. The NHS has more female than male midwives, so the "overstretched so you can't ask for that" argument is just plain silly.

Trying to compare wanting a female HCP to wanting one of a specific race is just plain racist (and, again, silly).

Listen to all the women telling you why they don't feel comfortable with male HCPs for certain procedures. Their feelings matter. Handwaving the needs of those women away, along with the trauma that many of them are also recounting, is about as unfeminist as it gets.

Plus, there is more to midwifery than the delivery, which yes, if intervention is required is likely to have males involved (by that point people are perhaps less likely to mind). It's the booking appointments, the antenatal care, and everything else as well as intimate checks etc. It's not about capability, but I wouldn't have felt comfortable discussing my abusive partner with a man, and being alone with one in a room (often the case with antenatal appointments) wouldn't make me feel comfortable, let alone someone who has reason to feel this way. Say all you want about oh it's sad to view men like that, but that's the way it is for many, we shouldn't dismiss their feelings.

Denying the fact that for many women childbirth is a deeply intimate experience isn't feminist either. Alienating women from their own bodies so they can cope with uncomfortable situations by dissociating, which is exactly what would happen if you forced OP to do what she doesn't want to do and use a male midwife, is abusive.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta no, I don't just have to 'suck it up'. My body, my choice.

As stated, there's women who are so traumatised from previous birth experiences here in Australia (usually at the hands of a male according to the research presented), that they choose to decline any medical intervention at subsequent births and opt for unassisted delivery at home. How sad and awful that it's 2019 and that's happening?

Should I just suck it up if a male police officer pulls me over and decides to strip search me?

Sorry, I've had enough.
People on here calling OP sexist for wanting a male midwife are ignoring the fact that medicine has been traditionally male-dominated for centuries, often at the expense of women.
Birth and breastfeeding have been meddled with incessantly by male doctors and scientists who think they know best. Women were knocked out with ether and had babies extracted forcibly for half the last century, for gods sake!!
Medical trials until recently excluded women because our bodies were deemed too "unpredictable" - drugs deemed safe for women at various doses have since been proven to cause adverse effects which weren't picked up in trials because there WERE no trials.
Male doctors and healthcare professionals have used their position to sexually assault women. Male gynos are more likely to offer attractive women regular smear tests. More patients die under the care of male physicians. Endometriosis has only just begun to get the recognition it deserves as a serious debilitating condition, and this is precisely because it is something only women suffer.
Every woman knows what it is like to be condescended to by a man because you are a woman.
Leave this poor woman alone. She has a good reason to only want female energy present at her birth. She's not being sexist and she's not being unreasonable. She's responding to a world in which men routinely ignore female consent, feelings, and bodily autonomy. Give it a bloody rest.

msflibble - absolutely perfectly articulated.

"Suck it up" - again, this is an expectation that women will dissociate if that's what it takes to get through birth. That's not good medical care. That's how women end up with birth related trauma that can take years to recover from. If you don't care about them (and it's obvious that you don't) how great do you think that is for their child, to have their mother in that situation while she's trying to take care of them?

OP if I was you I'd read the post by msflibble and then hide this thread! Really can't believe this is MN.

I hope the "now don't you cause trouble for the doctors with your demands little lady" stuff isn't getting to you, OP. It's bollocks. You are perfectly entitled to request a bollocks free HCP if that is what would work best for you, no matter how inexplicably enraged that makes some people.

I don't think I'd make the same argument re a GP, gynaecologist or a brain surgeon. I'd want the best available person for the job. And if there were a shortage of staff when I was in labour I wouldn't want to put my and my child's safety at risk. And it will always be the case that there are some women midwives who haven't had babies themselves so they don't have theIr own experience to fall back on.

But I don't think think it's sexist and it's in your rights to ask. No woman midwife was especially helpful or sympathetic to me when I was having problems with breast feeding my first baby though.

I think you’ve got to suck it up to be honest, but that’s not a popular opinion on this thread, I know

Yes, well that's because it's grotesque and stupid. Lots of people have a problem with those things.

Sort of get you op, my gut tells me I wouldn't want him giving me an internal etc but actually looking back at both my pregnancies when it really mattered I didn't give a shit if the midwife was a goat in a clowns outfit.
I understand to a point but ultimately if they are capable of doing the job well then who the hell is anyone to say they can't just because they don't like it.

Ironically, that's exactly how the patriarchal society of our ancestors expected women to behave... In the 1500's! I'll be told my womb is floating next and I have hysteria.

You are a woman, only a woman and now you're pregnant you're less of a woman. You're just an incubator, a vessel for a new life to come into this world. We will do what we want to you and what we think is best because we know best..... I had a male so it's OK its not bad, your feelings are irrelevant because he's a trained professional......oh you're so demanding, next you'll be telling them you only want a brunette female, causcain, aged between 30-35 to give your care..... Oh a man has seen you naked already so one more won't hurt...... You're so unreasonable because men are just as good as women..... You're sexist, next you won't want to have a male waiter... It's only a vagina do you think he will be so turned on by it he'll molest you?

Given all that feedback, it's no wonder some women decide to stay mute/behave/conform despite their feelings. Just like in the 1500s! How dare a woman in 2019 have a preference over who she shows her vagina to! How dare she not feel comfortable (especially after being at the hands of abuse) being naked in the presence of a male she doesn't know!

Because after all, birth isn't an intimate experience. You have to just disengage and accept your feelings are irrelevant and you're just reduced to a womb, incubator and tunnel of life.

Can't believe that there's women who think this is OK :(

Insideimsprinting - good for you, but I would care. Just like I did in my previous births. When people tell me "you won't care who is in the room when you're delivering"..... I did before and I will again.

I'm very happy you would be happy with clowns or goats or men or women..... Me, no. I wouldn't.

And before the "life or death" thing creeps up again. 1) deliberately picked the hospital as advertised itself as staffed by women. All the Drs are women. So I won't encounter a male unless I get assigned a male midwife.

2. obviously if my life or my baby's life was hung in the balance, then of course I would not refuse intervention from a male. That's different though to being assigned a male midwife. Like someone stated earlier, you wouldn't mind having your ribs broken beinf given CPR but doesn't mean you'd consent to any HCP randomly breaking your ribs in a non emergency situation.