AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

Hummus, oh my goodness, divine. They have a pesto one with pine nuts on in Coles and it is just so freaking moreish! I like the red pepper ones. And sun-dried tomatoes. Actually, unlike the sex of a medical professional, I'm not really fussy when it comes to hummus preference.

Or I could make plain hummus, smokey. I have smokey parika would that work?

Ohhh. Try that and please let us know if it works. 🤤

The more charred the eggplant the better, imo.

minimalistbaker.com/simple-baba-ganoush/

I'm not really fussy when it comes to hummus preference.

Hussy.

I like the spicy hummus, but then I like everything spicy that isn't a dessert.

Oh yes, I actually forgot it was aubergine for a minute there. Always found that a pain to prep.

Might have to do the smokey hummus now though for a bit of supper, have some crunchy rosemary flatbreads now I think of it.

All my dignity disappears when it comes to hummus. Primal.

alongside you there, takes focus

Thank you TheProdigalKittensReturn, I’ve saved that for later. Although reading that includes tahini reminded me of the time I bought peanut butter from the health shop, stuck a dessert spoon into it and had a big greedy mouthful of delicious peanut butter, only to realise too late, that it was tahini. 🤢

For those who can tolerate the faff involved with aubergines, this is my absolute favorite aubergine dish (can't vouch for the recipe since I'm a lazy sod and pay restaurants to make it for me).

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/oct/10/aubergine-recipes-turkish-imam-bayildi-hungkar-begendi-roast-with-tarator-yotam-ottolenghi

YANBU. I was - and still am - exactly the same as you. Birth is such an intimate thing - I'd have not been able to focus and deliver with a man in the room. It would have impacted my labour. So I specified no males and nobody had an issue with that. Your birth - your choice!

Good you had your birth of choice Vehivle

I've got my hummus of choice right here now.

Don't fancy a mouthful of tahini

Love baba ganoush.

OP, I’m sorry, I tried to read the full thread but by page 3 I was too ragey to continue.

You know this already by now but YANBU. When I was 8 years old I had kidney problems and went into hospital for an investigative bladder X ray. What I didn’t know, until they explained it to me in hospital, was that this involved putting a catheter tube up my urethra (pee hole for the less anatomically aware). I was NOT happy for the male doctor to do this. There wasn’t a female doctor in that day, so the nurse tried instead. But she wasn’t experienced with catheterising children, and couldn’t get it in. The male doctor lost patience waiting, burst into the room and got the nurses to hold me down while he forcibly catheterised me. I remember looking down at my naked body, writhing to escape the person holding my ankles, and instantly regretting it as I knew the image would stay with me. As we left the room afterwards one of the nurses indicated all the people outside saying “look, they’re wondering what all the screaming was about.” Anybody comfortable reading that story and think IWBU not to want a strange man inserting something into my genitalia?

No male apart from my husband goes anywhere near my genitals under any circumstances (I’ll be honest, no HCP does while I’m conscious, unless it’s a medical emergency) and all of you who think I’m being sexist, or that my 8-year-old little girl self was sexist to insist on that, can fuck right off. And comparing it to an aeroplane pilot? You know perfectly well that’s fucking ridiculous.

With the exception of abusive ones like the man who treated me, every HCP will tell you it is completely utterly normal and entirely reasonable to prefer to receive care from someone of the same sex. They are completely used to it, I promise.

CSA

I guess maybe I should have put some sort of trigger warning before that story. Sorry. In case anybody sees it in time - trigger warning: this is the kind of outcome you get when you say women and girls have no right to choose to be treated by same-sex HCPs. I’m going to see if I can report my post and ask MMHQ if it needs something in the post.

Oh CSA, I'm so sorry. That's Traumatising. My heart aches for your 8 year old self. Enormous hug.

I've started maternity leave so have been googling this morning. A woman at a university in Sydney has done research into why some women in Australia (where I am) have opted to have unassisted home births rather than go to hospital. All the cases were because the female had previously been traumatised in hospital, usually at a prior birth. There were stories of women being pinned down and internally examined against their will. That made me shudder, so knowing you had similar as a child is absolutely sickening.

Home births in Australia are extremely rare. They make it almost impossible for an independent midwife to get insurance to cover her for home births and medicare (our hospital system) doesn't allow for home births. That is pretty controlling in itself. There were stories of the women in hospital not being listened to and some having to access psychological care after the birth to address their post traumatic issues.

As so many women were having unassisted home births, endangering lives of both the mothers and the baby, they actually changed the legislation in hospitals to ensure women are listened to and their concerns to be met with empathy and understanding. Her research addresses why a mother's psychological well-being is paramount to anything else as her mental well-being in labour can actually hinder the labour. It was so interesting. I found a newspaper article which is about the research but way more concise.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.smh.com.au/healthcare/trauma-pushes-mothers-to-home-birth-20130420-2i6wu.html

But yeah, I know now I'm not being unreasonable or sexist to have boundaries of what I will or won't accept when it comes to my own body.

I don't see any male health practitioners ever for anything. Why should you?

Oh my!!! hello I so miss the houmus with the pine nuts!! And wattle valley basil, cashew and Parmesan dip!!! Actually, dips in the UK are quite limited.

I do remember a home birth or two going wrong in Melbourne years ago which would maybe account for the lack of availability. Maybe. Can’t remember.

Bugger. Now I want Mersey valley.

A great deal of trauma rarely gets talked about which is probably why the ‘I had one and he was the best’ feels a tad tone deaf at times.

If a nake helped with the conception, what’s the problem with a male helping with the delivery?

How would you feel if, in your job, if a man said he didn’t want a woman?

Yes you can request- I don't necessarily agree with your reasons, but you would also need to be aware that whilst they can try to accomodate you, there is no guarantee they can. If a male HCP is the only one available and it's time to deliver- they're not going to not do that because you feel it should be an all woman experience.

If a nake helped with the conception, what’s the problem with a male helping with the delivery?

So if you let one man touch your body in an intimate way you aren't allowed to refuse to let other men touch it later? Creepy!

My thoughts exactly TheProdigalKittensReturn, that's just creepy! A man got me pregnant so now I should automatically feel comfortable with letting any man touch me in intimate places!

And in my job, when I was in the UK working as a solicitor. I had a male who'd been the victim of domestic violence ask for another male lawyer because it made him feel more at ease. I didn't even question him because he has feelings which are totally valid.

And SD1978 there are women in my country refusing to attend hospitals because they don't want to have a male health care provider or are frightened so much from previous medical trauma. It effects them so much that they actually birth unassisted at home. That speaks volumes. You may not agree with my reasoning, but I don't agree that I should expose myself in my vulnerable state to a man I don't know just because he holds a qualification if it makes me feel uncomfortable or vulnerable.

But I had 2 traumatic deliveries in hospital caused by the actions of the staff - yet they were female.

Incompetent, uncaring or abusive staff, regardless of their sex, should have no place caring for patients.

Request all female hcps op. Just be aware that doesn't guarantee you good care.