AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

Personally I don't see any medical intervention as 'exposing' oneself to anyone. I respect medical staff for their professionalism. I did have all female midwives, but needed medical intervention with mixture of nurses, technicians, operating theatre staff that was mixed sex and I feel that it's just the world we live in, our medical staff work as a team and sometimes they are female, great, sometimes they are male. Both are acting in a professional capacity and I would never ever consider that a woman giving birth or needing medical intervention as 'exposing herself'.

@Hellofromtheotherside2020 all I am going to say is this ... when you need a MALE or female doctor to come in and save your life you won't give 2 shits, i had 4 males around me when I was bleeding to death, 1 even shoved his finger up my ass... not sure why! But guess what? I am alive today because of HIM! You won't give a toss about the persons sex when your in the moment and you especially won't care if something goes wrong...

And you shouldn't have to, squeekums. Anyone who thinks you should can mind their own business.

Why is my point moot?

You kept going on about the what ifs, regarding the female group, when you weren’t in it. That’s why.

(Note that "mind their own business" is the polite, talk guidelines compliant version.)

You won't give a toss about the persons sex when your in the moment and you especially won't care if something goes wrong

How do you know how the OP will feel and if you want to understand why, then rea..... oh ffs I give up. drinks more wine 🍷

Pass the bottle please!

TruthOnTrial

I was responding to a poster who said that men would be allowed to request a male Dr or nurse and therefore it's sexist to refuse to allow a woman the same. I was simply pointing out that isn't the case at all.

One poster then immediately started firing questions left, right and centre at me.

Maybe ask the other posters why they introduced the comparison with male patients on a thread about female.patients?

*keep missing

No, you're not the only one. I would absolutely refuse a male midwife.
In some ways I'm deeply envious of some tribes where women are still supported by women to give birth. Their relatives, their friends, it just seems so empowering. Women supporting women.

I would not accept a male midwife, not sexual, I don't care if they're gay. I'd rather have a lesbian midwife, because I don't believe anyone will find that attractive, but I do believe in women supporting women. And I really feel you need the equipment to properly empathise with what the woman is going through even if you've never had a baby.

Labour is not checking if your hangnail is infected. Its arguably the biggest thing a woman can go through, growing life inside you and bringing it into the world. Traditionally this has always been supported by women and I truly feel it's important. It's instinctive and I would absolutely refuse a male midwife.

You kept going on about the what ifs, regarding the female group, when you weren’t in it. That’s why.

Because I've never seen anything like it. Would it be explained to me if I were in a female only group in the future? Would I know? Would they tell me that no.male hcps would be admitted, even in an emergency?

I think these are relevant questions and if they aren't made clear to.patients then why shouldn't we be allowed to ask?

Why are you arguing about men and male nurses on a thread about women and their female midwives.

Because they didn't get the answer/s they wanted on the last thread they made the exact same points on.

Maybe you were when caring for female patients. I doubt you were able to contain your views when looking after male patients though. After all, you think it's fine to ignore a male patient requesting a male nurse because you maintained his dignity by covering him with a towel.

You obviously missed the bit where I said earlier, that I worked with mostly males. I never said that I maintained his dignity by covering him with a towel, I said I tried my best. Big difference, but there’s you making up things again. I was better than most of the male staff, because I could calm the violent MALE patients whereas many of the male staff tried macho bullshit. But feel free to think what you want.

So ask the hospital in which it occurred, then. Rather than strangers on the internet who have no way of knowing why a particular group was set up the way it was.

TheProdigalKittensReturn

So why did you raise the issue with your husband's prostate on a thread about a woman wanting to give birth in a female only environment? What relevance does your DH prostate have to the op?

Men and women can have chaperones and men and women can ask for same sex if they want, but its harder to see the reasoning because of the severe lack of female sexual related assaults on men by women compared to the high levels of sexual assaults on women by men, so then women being vulnerable and accessed by men during that time bears sharp focus and not derailment about male hcps.

It's deja vu all over again!

If a man demanded not to have a woman doctor there would be an outcry of sexism.

My H asked to have a male doctor to do his vasectomy and no females watching. No one batted an eyelid at his request and he was accommodated.

Because I've never seen anything like it. Would it be explained to me if I were in a female only group in the future? Would I know? Would they tell me that no.male hcps would be admitted, even in an emergency?

But You Weren’t! So why are you arguing about a group you weren’t involved in? 🤷‍♀️

Why are you arguing about men and male nurses on a thread about women and their female midwives.

Oh bugger! I got sucked right in, didn’t I? You’d think I’d know better by now. 😳

There's natural conversational flow and then there's shoehorning the same points that people weren't buying in the last thread into this one. I really don't think teaching basic social skills is within the bandwidth of what can reasonably be accomplished here without hijacking the OPs thread completely.

You obviously missed the bit where I said earlier, that I worked with mostly males. I never said that I maintained his dignity by covering him with a towel, I said I tried my best.

So, the male patient requested a male nurse but it was fine that he got you because you did your best by covering him with a towel? So, if a female patient requests a female nurse it would be acceptable to send in a male nurse with a modesty towel would it? No, it wouldn't. How did you advocate for your patient?

I expect you are flaking! You've put up a bloody good fight though, I admire your stamina! It's almost 9am and it is freaking hot already!

HJWT already addressed your point. Several times. Life and death situations are completely different. Doesn't mean I wouldn't feel violated afterwards.

As for the comment about "I don't see giving birth as exposing yourself".... I can't even answer that in a dignified manner! The baby won't be coming out of my elbow!

Oh bugger! I got sucked right in, didn’t I?

And I did too. Disengaging now!

Give birth through your nostril, it's the hip new thing and everyone's doing it!

Yanbu

As part of my birth plan I spoke to the head of midwifery regarding, amongst other things, the request for no male staff including consultants. It was explained that I may have to rethink this if there were only male staff on duty however it was important to me that my wishes on this were heard and acknowledged and we agreed a plan about what if a male member of staff were to be needed.

I have a history of sexual abuse.

But You Weren’t! So why are you arguing about a group you weren’t involved in?

Because the next time I go up for treatment I might well be.

There's natural conversational flow

Oh I see. So you introducing your DH prostate onto a thread about women giving birth is simply conversational flow but another poster responding to a point is de railing or ignoring women's issues in order to talk about men, is that what you're saying? Only I think the biggest de rail came from you talking about an entirely irrelevant point - your DH prostate.