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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
Uncompromisingwoman · 03/12/2019 22:28

Some lovely posts on here from women supporting other women in having boundaries. So pleased OP that you have found this thread supportive and helpful. Good luck with the birth Flowers

Uncompromisingwoman · 03/12/2019 22:29

And glad that you're ignoring the tone deaf insensitive posters.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:30

So you’re permitted to prefer men, because of past experiences, but women are bigots for saying they prefer females. I see.

Could you just point out where I've called anyone a bigot? Oh that's right I haven't but don't let the facts stand in the way will you?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 22:30

When I did hydro it was a mixed sex session but on this occasion there was a sign up to say women only, no male staff allowed.

What if the patient who needed help wasn't fussed about male hcps, but happened to be in a group with women who did?

I imagine they had a sign up because it was a group of women that didn’t want men there, otherwise the hypothetical female that didn’t mind men there, would have been in the mixed group. I assume there was nothing that couldn’t be handled by the physio, otherwise the other staff would been permitted to enter.

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 22:31

My male midwife as absolutely fabulous he's since gone on to win a national NMC award.

Gosh, this changes everything!!! Because you had a male midwife who you were happy with, who has since won an award, I now automatically feel comfortable exposing myself to a man! Where have you been all my life?!!

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 03/12/2019 22:33

If a man demanded not to have a woman doctor there would be an outcry of sexism.

PanamaPattie · 03/12/2019 22:33

Don't Look Now.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:33

But I certainly wasn't asked whether I wanted to be in a female only group, so had all of the women in there asked to be in a female only group or were they randomly assigned to it? And if the.physio and 1 HCA in there could handle it, why pull the emergency buzzer? I certainly don't want my life put at risk because I'm randomly assigned to a female only group where men are banned from entering even in an emergency. If that is the case then every patient should be made aware and allowed to select the group that suits their circumstances best.

TruthOnTrial · 03/12/2019 22:33

Its such a waste of resource when men have to be chaperoned all the time isn't it.

Much easier to just allocate women to women unless they specifically request a man. Very unlikely Grin

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 22:34

Could you just point out where I've called anyone a bigot? Oh that's right I haven't but don't let the facts stand in the way will you?

You mean I’m reading the subtext, otherwise you wouldn’t be arguing against women having female lead care.

You still haven’t given me a straight answer. Do you think because men can’t be guaranteed Male only health care, then women should be permitted it too, even though healthcare has predominantly female workers? I just want a simple, straight forward answer.

By the way, I was fucking brilliant at my job and that’s why I was sent to work with the confused, violent patients. 🤷‍♀️

goose1964 · 03/12/2019 22:35

I think I had the first male midwife deliver my son.I had no problems with him but it's your choice.I was asked if I minded beforehand.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:35

Its such a waste of resource when men have to be chaperoned all the time isn't it.

I've always been offered a chaperone even when the nurse or Dr is a woman though and when I had an internal ultrasound the female radiographer had a male chaperone present.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 22:36

And if some women do specifically want to request a man there's nothing to stop them from doing so. Go forth and do so with my blessing!

Winesalot · 03/12/2019 22:37

truth. That was a new one for me, I had to look it up —guess I’d better stick to wine—

And yes, it is certainly not just in intimate care that sometimes a female doctor is needed.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 22:37

If a man demanded not to have a woman doctor there would be an outcry of sexism.

Really? Point out on this thread where ANY woman has shown that, cut and paste ‘You can be arsed reading the bloody thread!’

TruthOnTrial · 03/12/2019 22:38

Yes, bit there's no need is there. Its done for both male and female practitioners for "equality" sake.

No-ones allowed to say why Hmm

I should think you've heard enough experiences on this thread already to understand exactly why.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 22:38

But I certainly wasn't asked whether I wanted to be in a female only group, so had all of the women in there asked to be in a female only group or were they randomly assigned to it?

You weren’t, you didn’t ask and you’ve no idea why there was a female only group, so your points are mute.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:40

You mean I’m reading the subtext, otherwise you wouldn’t be arguing against women having female lead care.

I haven't actually argued against women having female.lead care. I've responded to the points about men having the right to request male hcps and those requests always being honoured. That is absolutely not true. Do show me where I've argued against women choosing female hcps if that's what they want?

I certainly don't think women should be made to have female only hcps. If you want to request it then that's up to you. Personally I want the best HCP. I certainly don't want an unkind or incompetent nurse or Dr just because they're the only female around.

Uncompromisingwoman · 03/12/2019 22:41

It's also very useful to remind ourselves why so many women prefer female medics for gynae, pregnancy and intimate care when you look at the activities of these medics - even though we know it's not all doctors (or men) a quick google is depressing reading.

uk.reuters.com/article/us-california-abuse/former-usc-gynecologist-pleads-not-guilty-to-sexual-assault-idUSKCN1TW3M2
metro.co.uk/2019/09/09/doctor-struck-off-secretly-taking-19000-photos-videos-female-patients-10711941/
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7031989/Perverted-GP-molested-15-female-patients-24-years-faces-jail.html

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 22:42

Anyone else who was on the thread about the Glasgow guidelines having a bit of a Groundhog Day moment?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:42

You weren’t, you didn’t ask and you’ve no idea why there was a female only group, so your points are mute.

Why is my point moot? I surely have the right to know if my care is going to be compromised for any reason, including male hcps being excluded in the event of an emergency.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 22:43

So what time is it over there, Hellofromtheotherside2020? It’s 22.40 here and I’m fading. I’m sure it’s got absolutely nothing to do with the wine. I just realised I’ve been reading your name wrongly. I thought it was Hell from the other side. 😳 🤣

squeekums · 03/12/2019 22:44

Ive been raped
i didnt want a random guy all up in my business
I wont even see a male GP
I have massive trust issues and i wont feel bad for that

TruthOnTrial · 03/12/2019 22:45

Hearhooves
Why are you arguing about men and male nurses on a thread about women and their female midwives. I'm confused about that.

I keepissing your point

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:45

By the way, I was fucking brilliant at my job and that’s why I was sent to work with the confused, violent patients

Maybe you were when caring for female patients. I doubt you were able to contain your views when looking after male patients though. After all, you think it's fine to ignore a male patient requesting a male nurse because you maintained his dignity by covering him with a towel.