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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
Jinxed2 · 03/12/2019 21:58

I did say it was the best birth I had. Nowhere did I say YABU. 🙄 Now who can’t RTFT. I was putting my experience into the discussion.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 21:59

It's not just a case of men encouraging men into nursing. Society as a whole has to encourage men into nursing

So what steps are you taking to encourage men into nursing so males can have Male only nursing care?

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 22:05

Jinxed2 not sure if your comment was aimed at me, but you're responding to something that wasn't aimed at you if it was... I have RTFT, I stayed up all night reading it!

OP posts:
Dandelion1993 · 03/12/2019 22:06

I've had one.

Dd2 ended up in an emergency section and a male midwife came to help my first one.

I couldn't give a toss what gender they are, what sexuality they are or how the hell they want to identify.

As long as they can do the job then I want them!

Winter2019 · 03/12/2019 22:07

Quite a few people saying on here - if it was an emergency then I wouldn't mind a male... Yeah of course you would want someone to save yours / your baby's life then 🤦 but otherwise you'd rather they keep away. Geez, it's a hospital. As long as they're educated and doing their job properly, be happy.

jillowarriorqueen · 03/12/2019 22:09

YANBU at all and ignore those who tell you otherwise. Nothing wrong with having a preference Child-birth is an intimate experience, in which the mother is probably at her most vulnerable during her entire adult life.

I didn't want any men "down there" with my first one (I know this isn't your first), but at one point the male consultant needed to do an internal check. This may be TMI, but with his long fingers he was able to get in there so much more easily and more comfortably than the female midwife with the smaller hands. After that, I really wasn't bothered.

All the best with the birth anyway. Let us know how you get on.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 22:10

In an emergency I'd also be OK with someone doing chest compressions on me, which can break ribs. In any non emergency situation I'd really rather my HCP avoid breaking any of my ribs...

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:10

I do believe my similar experience of giving birth was aided by having women only in attendance.

See, my deliveries were harmed by the presence of utterly cruel female midwives. In my first birth, an emergency c section, a midwife catheterised me before theatre. She hadn't advanced the catheter into my bladder before inflating the balloon. The pain was indescribable. Whilst I was crying in.pain she was busy telling me off for making such a fuss. I was a urology nurse. I knew that it shouldn't hurt that much. When it didn't drain I knew it was in the wrong place. I couldn't move a muscle without excruciating pain yet she wouldn't do anything. Told me if I was still fussing they would look at it in theatre. I was so upset my husband went along to my ward and explained what was going on. One of our registrars came to see me and sure enough she'd inflated the balloon in my urethra causing bleeding and trauma.

Second pregnancy, 2 midwives held me down while the Dr tried to break my waters while I was only 1cm dilated. Again the pain was unbearable. The midwife that night was an evil cow. Again I was being induced due to pre eclampsia. I asked for another midwife but told no one was available. Eventually I became so distraught that I told them I was discharging myself. They found me another midwife.

Were I to give birth again no way would I want female midwives. All of the.men that treated me at the time were caring and professional so if I had the choice I would choose male midwives for sure.

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 22:11

TheProdigalKittensReturn I just love your way of thinking.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:13

So what steps are you taking to encourage men into nursing so males can have Male only nursing care?

Well, for a start off I'm as happy to have a male nurse care for me as a female nurse.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 22:14

Aw, this thread turned into mostly a love-in, with the occasional moments of how dare you have boundaries you evil monster.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:15

The poster yesterday didn’t accuse men of being perverts, she asked why men choose to work as gynaecologists.

And she, and others, questioned what would motivate a man to do such a job. Many posters read the same subtext - that posters were accusing the drs of having nefarious reasons for having chosen that specialty. Not twisting her words at all. It was pretty obvious what she was saying.

newbingepisodes · 03/12/2019 22:16

My male midwife as absolutely fabulous he's since gone on to win a national NMC award.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 22:16

...And then there are the blatant attempts at manipulation and emotional blackmail, but I'm going to pretend I can't see those. Here I am, just drinking my (imaginary, actually tea for now) wine and rising above!

AmateurSwami · 03/12/2019 22:19

Yanbu.

TruthOnTrial · 03/12/2019 22:19

Jinxed Completely missing the point of why you believe that your birth experience is relevant to having same sex intimate care. Hmm

Why was it important?

Some women have a great experience, some awful, most somewhere in between. However, all the research I've seen supports the ideology of male exclusion, and that the woman feel at ease, men don't come into it, other than a woman requesting a close male partner if desired.

Other men are excluded, non shall pass, and to think that normal men feel they have a right to push their way in tells you an awful lot about those men.

Someone asked much earlier upthread about the same rule applying to male doctors. Regardless of the intimacy aspect, statistics have proven the womens medical care falls drastically short of mens. That comparable asexual conditions are diagnosed far earlier in men than women, and especially treatment for acute and chronic conditions like endo so to get the best care and be listened to properly I would go to a female doctor.

In a situation of intimacy women are always offered a chaperone. Lets save the nhs the money and just have the female at the outset, as she doesn't have a male bias.

I had the most amazing cambazola last week!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 22:19

Well, for a start off I'm as happy to have a male nurse care for me as a female nurse.

What’s that got to do with not enough males in health care to look after men? I’ve got a male physio, but I doubt that’s going to encourage men to sign up. You were complaining about men not having enough male staff to provide care, so how is you upsetting one look after you, helping men?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:20

I was at a physio department in a big hospital a little while ago. They have a hydrotherapy pool there. When I did hydro it was a mixed sex session but on this occasion there was a sign up to say women only, no male staff allowed. While I was waiting the emergency alarm went off. 5 or 6 physios and a Dr ran to the door and then stopped. They just stood there until the physio in the pool stuck her head round and spoke to them. No idea what happened nor why no.men were allowed in but it was clearly the policy that even in an emergency the men waited outside. What if the patient who needed help wasn't fussed about male hcps, but happened to be in a group with women who did? Was she expected to come to harm while the other female patients were removed so that male hcps could be allowed in?

TruthOnTrial · 03/12/2019 22:21

My.midwife has an MBE, ner ner ne ner ner

How.stupid is this Grin. How fucking hilarious

My midwife's better than yours ha ha ha!

playgroup games Grin

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 22:23

Yeah well my sister in law's midwife is an astronaut who rides a unicorn. Take that, sexists!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 22:23

Were I to give birth again no way would I want female midwives.

So you’re permitted to prefer men, because of past experiences, but women are bigots for saying they prefer females. I see.

TruthOnTrial · 03/12/2019 22:23

None so blind and none so deaf. How hilarious utter nonsense

This thread is a carbon copy of so many hilarious threads

Chancey1982 · 03/12/2019 22:26

Haha @passthecherrycoke they were all horrible post natal in my hospital too.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 22:27

One time, at band camp . . .

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/12/2019 22:27

What’s that got to do with not enough males in health care to look after men? I’ve got a male physio, but I doubt that’s going to encourage men to sign up. You were complaining about men not having enough male staff to provide care, so how is you upsetting one look after you, helping men?

Because I can't see how we can employ more male nurses to care only for male.patients? So, at least for the time being, male nurses will have to be caring for female patients or will you just double staff every ward and department to ensure enough staff of both sexes are available? A and E, theatres, imaging depts to name but a few where ever changing numbers of male and female patients pass through. Male student nurses have to train in a variety of areas in order to qualify (as do female nurses) so how do they train if restricted to only male areas?

If you are a nurse then I cannot see how you can give good nursing care to any male patient with the attitudes that you have tbh.

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