AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

Free wine is valid choice too... Cheers.

Free wine is valid choice too... Cheers.

I have three bottles. I love my clients. 😁 Hands Winesalot a bottle and straw I’m afraid I don’t do cheese. Vegan. Oh yes, I went there!

Bit unfair of us all to indulge when the OP is pregnant and can't! We'll save some for her for later.

(Waits for yet another person who hasn't read the thread to jump in and say "that's not a very nice think to say about someone's DH! Misandry!)

Or a nice thing, even.

Has OP gone to bed? If so, sleep well, and ignore all the people telling you that it's sexist to have boundaries.

Bit unfair of us all to indulge when the OP is pregnant and can't! We'll save some for her for later.

Oops. Hic! I’m very sorry OP, but it’s for greater good. Reaches zen level of squiffyness

Be rude not to join you all... thanks. and don't worry about the cheese, as the interweb is magic, I got a great curried vegan hummus and some rice crackers that will go just fine.

Good night Hello. I hope that all goes well at the grocery pick up!

NotTonightJosepheen thank you sobs while handing over second bottle

JacobReesClunge I suppose in all fairness, it did get a bit long so not reading the entire thread can be forgiven. It's slightly annoying though when people ask things / assume things when I've addressed them in my very first post! Like the people who've said "when in labour you won't care who is in the room" when in my initial post I did already clarify I've given birth already a few times and even then, I did care! Some women do, some don't!

The most annoying thing though has been having my eyes opened to women who think it's perfectly acceptable to try and shame or bully another woman into doing something she's not comfortable with, just because it was perfectly okay for that particular woman! That's not okay!! They'd never (I hope) say to their daughters "me and your father enjoy group sex with lots of men there, so you will too. If you don't then you are sexist and unreasonable"....
Someone's answer was "YABU as I had a male midwife and it was the best birth I had"..... Just bewildered by some of the logic and ways of thinking.

I live in Australia and sexism here is everywhere anyway, so I don't know why I got so worried or worked up. Like here you can order an uber and request a female driver. If it makes me sexist or a bigot for not being completely comfortable with having a male give me intimate care then so be it. I said before, even pat down searches in airports are only ever done by someone of the same sex as protocol, that's so much less intimate than giving birth! Police are only allowed to conduct strip searches on people of the same sex as them. It is no different to people in care homes who request same sex intimate care. Just seems so weird that because a woman is giving birth, she should be expected to just conform and to accept whatever is handed to her and expect to be grateful for it.

The most annoying thing though has been having my eyes opened to women who think it's perfectly acceptable to try and shame or bully another woman into doing something she's not comfortable with,

Don’t assume they’re all men, actually assume quite a few aren’t. We get a lot of Men Regularly Arranging some get togethers, here. They particularly like discussing women’s boundaries.

Haha Noooooo, it's 7:30am!!! And yes, I was up most of the night (again!!) reading this and worrying about having a male midwife! I'm soo sooo grateful for all of you who answered with wisdom and clarity and challenged me and stood up for me in this thread (so you all deserve that cheese and wine!). Some of your logic has helped me come to the conclusion that I am not abnormal to prefer the care of a female and that I'm justified in my decision. I can now be confident in voicing my preferences without thinking I'm in the minority of just being a sad little woman. Honestly, thank you so much, this all means more to me than you'd ever know X

of course its ok.your reasons behind wanting it arent some horrible,sexist,racist or dont have a backstory of just "hating men" for whatever reason you feel more safe with a woman.that is fine.you could eel more safe with a dog in the room and that would be how you feel.noone gets to judge you on that.
(but now i am thinking how much better id feel with my dog in the room ho-hum)

There does seem to be a particular push towards the idea that it's evil and wrong for women to want same sex HCPs recently though. Not sure if it's related to the trans guidance that NHS trust in Glasgow came out with or if it's just some sort of random bubbling up of misogyny, but I've seen a bunch of threads within the past week.

People have therapy dogs for all kinds of things, right? Why not a labour support dog?

Unfortunately since I have a cat I'm not sure how much help she'd be.

I think the MRAs have jumped on with the TRAs and they both have the same goal. I pity the younger women, as they’re too inexperienced to realise what they’re giving up.

As for Support cats for maternity. Givenwhat ive seen cats drag in through my door....😱. Nooooo! It would be the stuff of nightmares!

"Hi, you looked upset so I brought you a dead vole!" And then under the bed until the shouting stops.

Hahaha. 🤣

This was raised much earlier in the thread when people said they wouldn't mind monkeys giving them care in labour!! I didn't want to respond to that as I didn't want to digress the thread into animal rights territory!

as I didn't want to digress the thread into animal rights territory!

points finger ANIMAL hating bigot!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

It's not just a case of men encouraging men into nursing. Society as a whole has to encourage men into nursing and not accuse every male nurse or HCP of being a pervert (as per a thread on here yesterday).

And if you work on wards you know that there aren't anywhere near enough male nurses to provide care to the men who want it. Borrowing a male nurse from another ward to wash a patient might sometimes be sufficient but what if there are more patients than 1 nurse can care for? What happens if that patient needs more than 1 wash a day, needs a catheter changing, an enema, a bedpan? Do you borrow a male nurse for all of these?

As for a midwife doing intimate care, well yes. So do urology nurses too. Caring for men that gave had orchidectomies, prostatectomies, ileostomies, penile amputations, treatment of ed, nesbitt procedures, teaching self catheterisation etc are all intimate procedures of the make GU tract so surely should be treated in the same way as midwifery and gynae.

I’m showing my age now. Go on, guess the film.

The poster yesterday didn’t accuse men of being perverts, she asked why men choose to work as gynaecologists. Big difference. But as usual a woman’s words are twisted to make here seem like a bigot, because she questions why men want to work with females. Everyone has the right to ask questions. We haven’t quite reached thought police society yet.

To be clear, you don’t think women have the right to female only medical help, if men can’t have it? Is that what you’re actually saying?