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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 03/12/2019 19:38

Absolute bigotry. Which other protected characteristics would you like to discriminate against?

Sagradafamiliar · 03/12/2019 19:39

Oh I wondered where you were, Hercules.

StreetwiseHercules · 03/12/2019 19:43

Well, now you can stop wondering.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 19:43

Absolute bigotry. Which other protected characteristics would you like to discriminate against?

It would help if you elaborated. What protected characteristic are you referring to?

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 19:47

Oh, AIBU has its resident "I am shocked and outraged and you're all terrible" people too?

StreetwiseHercules · 03/12/2019 19:49

“ It would help if you elaborated. What protected characteristic are you referring to?”

I wasn’t referring to any. I was asking the OP which other of the protected characteristics she would wish to be selective over.

Sex is one obviously, but what about age, race or disability perhaps? Or what if the hcp is the wrong religion in her view, or is unmarried? Should she get to pick and choose on those things also?

Schuyler · 03/12/2019 19:53

It’s perfectly legal and moral to decline intimate care from a person of the opposite sex. I’m embarrassed for Streetwise that she doesn’t know this but never mind.

Sunshineandeggshells · 03/12/2019 19:53

Well that was a fucking depressing read!

OP YANBU.

Consent is yours to give not theirs to take or presume. Consent isn't about bloody equality. No one has equal rights to my body. Suggesting a women's right to refuse a man intimate access to her body is in any way similar to racism or homophobia is fucking insulting and frankly ignorant.

To summarize...YANBU

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 19:54

No, just sex. Please read thread as your question has been answered several times.

As I've explained, I don't feel comfortable with a man, whom I don't know, looking at/touching MY intimate parts or seeing me in a vulnerable state.

I've covered the "what if medical intervention is needed and the Dr is male, would you prefer to die?" question about 9 times too for the posters above who've questionned that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 19:55

Thanks sunshine X

OP posts:
shirleyschmidt · 03/12/2019 19:56

YANBU.
It is a stressful, painful, vulnerable and (generally) LONG process. If you only want other women at your side I'd say that's perfectly reasonable and normal. If the staffing isn't there on the day that's a different matter but your preference is totally valid.

Don't worry about who you offend, I'd hope any male midwife with the empathy to perform such a role would understand.

pelirocco123 · 03/12/2019 19:58

I had a male midwife nearly 30 years ago he was brilliant ..

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 20:01

Good for you pelirocco123
I've already stated that I think male midwives are brilliant. They may be the best in the industry. They may be better than "the feisty old dragon midwife" assigned to someone at their previous birth. I'm glad you had a brilliant experience. That doesn't make me any more comfortable with it though.

Even if male midwives were giving a $100k push present to their patients, I'd still pick a female because that is what I (ME!) am comfortable with.

OP posts:
Chattercino · 03/12/2019 20:02

YANVU. Grow up, love. I'm pretty sure that your priority would be for your baby to arrive safely, come what may. And, no, you're right, a male midwife def won't look at your vagina and be turned on Confused

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 20:03

All these people not realizing that the NHS already allows patients to request a same sex HCP and has for yonks...

How very dare anyone outrageously request something that the NHS thinks they should be allowed to request??!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 20:08

I wasn’t referring to any. I was asking the OP which other of the protected characteristics she would wish to be selective over.

Good job she’s happy to accept any female of any *age, race, disability, religion, even if they’re unmarried, isn’t it? Or are you saying that a woman must allow a man to put his hand into her vagina, even if it cases her distress, discomfort or gives her flashbacks? Are you saying that she has to put the man’s pride before her own comfort?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 20:09

YANVU. Grow up, love. I'm pretty sure that your priority would be for your baby to arrive safely, come what may. And, no, you're right, a male midwife def won't look at your vagina and be turned on confused

Grow up and read the thread before you comment, or is that too taxing for you?

RadicalFern · 03/12/2019 20:10

I am baffled by the posters who think that you would be unreasonable to request something that is within your rights, just because they didn't/wouldn't mind having a male midwife.

Of course YANBU. You have the right to request a same-sex HCP, whether because of religious belief, past trauma, or any other damn reason. The Whatabouterists bringing up emergency c sections and DYING should go and give their heads a wobble.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 20:13

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

"I'd really rather not have a strange man stick his hand up my vagina"

"BUT WHAT IF YOU DIE? YOU'RE THE REASON THE NHS IS FAILING!"

Schuyler · 03/12/2019 20:13

@Chattercino

It’s never acceptable to force women who have been victims of sexual assault to accept intimate medical care from a male. HTH, “love”.

Notso · 03/12/2019 20:15

I think you are within your rights to but you need to consider very carefully what this might mean.
I declined the first available midwife in my third labour as she was known to me on various levels and I didn't feel comfortable with her.
She was fine about it, probably relieved but this meant I had to labour alone without pain relief until another midwife was available. The new one was in the room for under 20 minutes before DC was born.

DC4 was incidentally delivered by a male paramedic as my labour was only three contractions so I obviously didn't make it to hospital. I think he was more shocked than me.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/12/2019 20:18

YANBU, OP. It's your right, and the right of anyone else, to say who you allow to perform intimate care on you, and there's not much more intimate care than birthing a child.

If you want women healthcare professionals, then you should have women healthcare professionals.

Schuyler · 03/12/2019 20:18

@Hellofromtheotherside2020

You are single handedly destroying the NHS, did you know that? Clearly very talented giving you’ll be delivering in another country but just wanted you to know the power of your one decision you’re making. Wink best of luck and ignore any fuck wits. Nobody has the right to touch you without consent and that includes the medical profession.

campista · 03/12/2019 20:19

I had a male midwife 41 years ago - he was very kind....

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 20:20

BTW, StreetwiseHercules I might consider that you were genuinely concerned about protected characteristics, if it you didn’t say that it was tough luck if Muslim women didn’t want to share changing rooms with males, in a previous thread. Or do protected characteristics only count if the person has a cock and balls?