AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

Of course you can request a female. But, be prepared that they may not have one available. It’s rare they can’t facilitate but never impossible. Good luck!

Why isn't your own comfort and peace of mind a "genuine/justified" reason?

YANBU. I’d want this too.

Being a man, he had never had to be in a situation where he was vulnerable and had to expose himself.

That would be an unusual man. Much of healthcare is female, of course. As an example, anyone with a hernia is far more likely to meet a woman wielding the ultrasound probe than a male. Embarrassment is an actual killer. Anyone calling this sexism should respect that, and realise that no offence is meant. It’s just the way many of us are.

CFlemingSmith So hows that going to work then? Are you another poster that believes a woman has to tell her health care provider that she has been abused, so to prove that her reasons are valid? Maybe we could have a sliding scale of abuse, from the rape to the sleazy doctor that said something disgusting to her when she was a child. Do women get validation cards when they suffer enough abuse or how about this! I know it’s radical, women get a choice to limit their risk or feel that their dignity has been preserved by being treated by a female?

Theres simply no justification for prioristising a male hcp over a female for a womans intimate care.

FGS!

Why are mens voices louder. They don't count here.

Jeez, do the women here sputing mysogyny not have a clue why cervix cal ear uptakes might be low or women hesitate to divulge

Why are you here fighting for men, its so odd.

Do you have daughters, sisters, mothers, and want them to feel they dont have choice of intimate care

How bizarre!

You'd rather prioritse a male having intimate access to women just because... Just because nothing? You will fight and argue for that even though women here are saying it's not what they want?

Fuck all to do with male hcp capability. Nor should a woman have to be assaulted before having good reason. What is up with some Its not appropriate.

Simple, why so difficult to grasp?

*Cervical smear

That would be an unusual man. Much of healthcare is female, of course.

But women have regular, intimate examinations from the time they start having smear tests, through pregnancies until menopause and then maybe a hysterectomy. Men rarely have that level of intimate care and my husband didn’t need any intimate care until he developed cancer.

Out of curiosity, people who would request not to see a male midwife or nurse, would you feel the same about a male doctor?

It depends on the situation. Gynae stuff I'll always try and see a woman. Other things it depends.

I did have surgery a few years ago and it was a male surgeon, but all the pre-op stuff was done by a woman (internal ultrasound and so on) so I was ok with that.

Abuse survivor so it partly depends how I'm doing at that moment in time. I was badly triggered a while back, had to see a male GP for anxiety medication as he was the only GP available and that was extremely difficult and upsetting. Of course everytime since that I've asked for a female GP one has had an appointment free, so I clearly was unlucky that one time.

@donttalkatonce you literally took One thing I said about my experience but didn't quote what I said underneath. How selective of you

YANBU. It's your birth. It's a very stressful and anxious and painful time and you need to be 100% comfortable with the people around you. If that means no males midwives then that means no male midwives. Make it clear in your birth plan. Good luck with the reminder of your pregnancy

@TruthOnTrial Spot on!!

A midwife isn't a Dr though, they're nurses, so would it be acceptable for a man to insist on only male nurses looking after him? How likely do you think it would be for that to happen?

Actually, in my experience, the clinic or hospitals will do their best to accommodate male patients. If there aren’t enough males in healthcare, that’s not the fault of women, but I guarantee the female staff will do their best to ensure the man has his dignity, unlike some of the male staff I used to work with that would get offended because I would put a small towel across a woman’s breasts and intimate area while she was being bed bathed. Apparently I was insulting them, nothing to do with trying to ensure a vulnerable woman didn’t feel exposed. Priorities, eh!

I don't think that there's anything unreasonable about requesting a female midwife if you would be uncomfortable with having a male midwife. It's the same as requesting a female doctor for certain things.

Saying that, I had the same male midwife with both of my kids 20 years ago, and he was fantastic.

I had a male midwife and he was fantastic. He was lovely compared to the horrible cow that I had earlier. However I respect your preference and should have a right to choose who looks at your bits. In the same way that if a female midwife makes you uncomfortable you can ask for a different one.

OP I think your great, you have explained yourself really well and I don't think you even need to justify your reasons.

We are legally allowed to choose when it comes to intimate care, so don't even worry about it.

I wouldn't of wanted a man either, and I have no reason for it except that I would of felt embarrassed/ uncomfortable

Good luck with everything

OP I think your great, you have explained yourself really well and I don't think you even need to justify your reasons.

Very true.

Out of curiosity, people who would request not to see a male midwife or nurse, would you feel the same about a male doctor?

I didn't feel the need when I was younger....

however, I've had male doctors who have dismissed my gynelogical & pregnancy issues as 'women's issues' and that other women deal with them, why are yours different?

Only to discover that my morning sickness was quite extreme and others had been signed off work for less (I then ended up being terminated at work ... ), and it took about 20 years for me to realise that I had significantly worse period pain than considered 'normal' and that it could have actually been managed I only I felt game enough to approach the Doctor about it again!!

I have also had an internal ultrasound with a male hcp and I simply felt I could not complain. Even as just as he was about to start and he informed me that I was the training patient today for about 3 male students. I was very stressed but felt I had no option. Needless to say, it was a very, very painful exam due to my inability to relax.

I can go on. These are just the instances I feel able to share.

Now, I don't ask for a female Doctor except for gynelogical/reproductive issues, but I feel that is a choice that I will fight to retain after my experiences.

I also feel great empathy for women who have suffered assault and abuse, for who this choice should never been even questioned.

Actually, in my experience, the clinic or hospitals will do their best to accommodate male patients. If there aren’t enough males in healthcare, that’s not the fault of women, but I guarantee the female staff will do their best to ensure the man has his dignity,

How can they accommodate male patients if there aren't enough male nurses in the department? I worked on a male urology ward - there were 3 male nurses, so most of the time there wasn't a male nurse around. Many wards have majority or entirely female staff. I was a patient on a gastro ward for 7 days in March. It was a mixed sex ward but only female staff, so how could any male patients have a request for male only staff met? Maybe the health service needs to have a male nurse recruitment drive or look at ratios of male Vs female student nurses until the numbers are more balanced?

And how do female nurses ensure a man has his dignity if he has asked for only male staff? Surely it doesn't matter how much they keep him covered during a procedure if he doesn't want them there at all, or do you think the same if a female patient requests a female nurse but a man turns up? Is it fine so long as he keeps her covered?

In the event of a dr being needed, will you be risking yours and your babies life if they first available dr is male? Requesting is fine but be prepared to not have it honoured if when you go into labour it's not possible (it's not fair to interrupt someone else's care to honour your wishes!)

Ps even if most the drs are female, they could have locums on shift!

There not being enough male HCPs is not a valid reason to deny women the request to see a female HCP.

Just realised I tagged the wrong person. Apologies @donttalkatonce I meant to tag @dontalltalkatonce
You're very selective in what you picked out. I did not once say that everyone should be fine with it. Never once mentioned it. I was talking about MY experience. What you said makes no sense to what I said. Silly person.

Maybe the health service needs to have a male nurse recruitment drive or look at ratios of male Vs female student nurses until the numbers are more balanced?

I completely agree and wish men would do more to encourage males into nursing.

And how do female nurses ensure a man has his dignity if he has asked for only male staff? Surely it doesn't matter how much they keep him covered during a procedure if he doesn't want them there at all, or do you think the same if a female patient requests a female nurse but a man turns up? Is it fine so long as he keeps her covered?

I think it’s awful if there aren’t enough males on the ward in order to accommodate a male patient. I can only speak for our ward and say that we used to borrow a male member of staff from another ward, if we had a patient who really didn’t want a female staff washing and dressing them. I know that covering a patient to help preserve their dignity is not enough, but until men do more to encourage males into nursing, there is little we can do.

However, women giving birth is completely different from most other levels of care as you are talking about a man inserting his hand into her vagina. There are also more females in healthcare, so it should be less of an issue for females to request female only care.

Or do people suggest, because men can’t be guaranteed Male only careers, then women shouldn’t be permitted female only carers? Are people actually suggesting, no matter how they try to word it, that we have tit for tat type of healthcare. Surely not? Now that would be sexist.