AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

That’s exactly why I don’t understand it @everybodyneedsomebody

GPS and most nurses are general medicine. Not like a Male gynaecologist or male midwife whose careers literally involve that intimate area.

That’s why I guess it’s acceptable to ask for a female in those scenarios at a GP office- because the male doctor would probably feel more comfortable if it was a possibility. Yes they can do the job, and we’ll but they’re not exactly experts in the area.

It's unacceptable for a man to say that he doesn't want a female doctor or nurse.

My dp requested his appointment was made with a male gp when he needed an intimate examination...that did not seem to be an issue for our doctors surgery. I didn't think it was an unacceptable request and apparently neither did they.

Just before I get flamed, we are all different

My DH is dragging his feet about going in for a prostate check, which at his age he should start doing soon. If he thought he'd be forced to accept a female HCP for it then it might take years before he booked the appt. Is that OK even though he has no previous bum related trauma? I mean, he has the testicles of objectivity so presumably it's fine.

My H also requested male HCP when he went for his vasectomy.

Yanbu, you're entitled to feel how you feel about it. I would too to be honest.

When my DH had the snip his biggest gripe was that there was a female nurse in the room watching and he felt embarrassed. Understandable.
Being a man, he had never had to be in a situation where he was vulnerable and had to expose himself. Yet women are expected to be impartial and open to it otherwise it's sexist.

TheProdigalKittensReturn

Please try to get him to go to the doctor. I’m sorry if I worry you, but husband died of prostate cancer, though it was too late by the time symptoms appeared. He was 52 when diagnosed. Not once was their ever an issue with him preferring a male health worker for intimate care, even though the staff were overwhelmingly female. But you often find the actual staff respect the patients’ wishes, unlike so many misogynists posting on here.

I can see why you'd prefer female midwives, but it never bothered me personally.

Tbh I never really thought about it. I had female midwives but 2 babies delivered by c section by male doctors, male doctors doing internal examinations etc. when required. It never bothered me as they were simply health professionals doing their jobs.

I see a benefit of male health visitors existing. HVs don't just deal with newborns and women who have just given birth. In my area a child has HV until age 5 and probably they deal with quite a bit of male carers or sometimes violent partners. The job also involves going to people's homes which could make the HV equally vulnerable.

But I find the specific PPs' situations with male HV not very acceptable.

I'm trying! I understand why he's reluctant but it really is important. He's pretty much doctor avoidant in general.

Don’t know if anybody answered this question when I asked originally... but those who are saying OP is being unreasonable because there should be equality and men can do the job just as well..

If a woman or young girl has been raped and needs to go and have swabs etc done for evidence, is she unreasonable to demand a female nurse to carry this out?

You all do get very angry on here when someone has a differing view to your 😂

So sorry to hear about your husband btw, TOtally. The speed at which some cancers progress is an excellent example of why if letting people see a same sex HCP if they want to encourages them to go to the doctor more often then the best thing for their health is to give them that option. I really worry about the impact that not being guaranteed a same sex HCP will have on the kind of regular preventative care like smears and mammograms that many people avoid anyway.

TheProdigalKittensReturn I’m in NI and the city hospital has a men’s support clinic. Any man can self referral, so they can bypass their own doctor. It means men don’t have to worry about being dismissed or made to seem silly. It’s a brilliant service, though obviously incredibly sexist as they only deal with male patients.

Ask him if he’d really risk his health over five minutes of embarrassment. I’m not one for doing the ‘wifework’, but if I had life to live again, I would have made the appointment for my husband myself and handed it to him, when he turned 50.

You all do get very angry on here when someone has a differing view to your

Oh I know. Sexual abuse and a woman’s boundaries is such a hoot, isn’t it? I’m so glad you find it amusing. Maybe you should pop over to cancer support, they’ll have you rolling in the isles. 😒

When my DH had the snip his biggest gripe was that there was a female nurse in the room watching and he felt embarrassed. Understandable.

Yes, my H had a problem with this as well. The nurse was fine about it. They got another male HCP in. But hey, women are expected to put up with it and it's all good if some other random female is stood there watching it.

Neon it's female staff who deal with rape victims, obviously and understandably so.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
I actually stated that if someone has a genuine/justified reason (I.e. sexual abuse) then I of course understand wanting a specific person to carry out procedure/treatment etc 🤦🏻‍♀️

I was 14 or 15 and had a patch of eczema on my underarm. I took off my shirt to show him. I had a vest on, no bra (no need). He repeatedly tried to insist I take the vest off. I kept saying,"there's no need, the eczema is only on my underarm". I was unsure of myself but my embarrassment at showing him my naked breasts trumped my confusion about whether he was right. I know now he was a pervert because he got very irate and raised his voice in anger at me. He was caught out.

Ugh, that reminds me. Doctor checkups that were required at school, we were 12. The doctor felt around my tummy and told me I'd be starting my periods soon (I'd had them for 3 years by then), and then when he got to my friend he insisted she take her vest off for no good reason, sneezed, and joked that he must be "allergic to your breasts". She came out of the room doing that face scrunched up shaking the shoulders thing that people normally do when there are bugs crawling on them that they're trying to shake off. Creepy bastard that man was.

@Sagradafamiliar
So they exclude male staff from performing that role? How hurtful and offensive to men! They are just as capable and qualified, totally sexist to say otherwise 🙄

@NotTonightJosepheen
And yet my reasons are my reasons but for some reason I'm not allowed my own opinion?

And of course it would be fine for a man to ask for a male doctor to do a procedure which involves touching his body parts.

A midwife isn't a Dr though, they're nurses, so would it be acceptable for a man to insist on only male nurses looking after him? How likely do you think it would be for that to happen?

Who said you aren’t allowed your own opinion on whether you personally want male or female healthcare staff treating you?