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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
CFlemingSmith · 03/12/2019 17:25

You are definitely being unreasonable.

It might be a hassle for them to switch the rota around.
And most importantly, what happens if that male was more qualified, and yet because of your desire to have a female you could be picking a lower qualified professional.

Not worth it.

Pay for private if you want to be picky without any genuine reason.

I hope you never moan that the NHS is under pressure because you're the sort of person who contributes unnecessarily.

easyandy101 · 03/12/2019 17:27

It's not the NHS

Read the thread

Bippety · 03/12/2019 17:27

Apparently in 2012 there were 122 male midwives and 42,000 women. I don't think it would likely be a huge issue to not have a man.

PanamaPattie · 03/12/2019 17:30

With reference to my previous post @Sagradafamiliar, did the male student HV ask your permission to consult with you? Did the female HV check you were ok with the visit- or did they ambush you so you so you felt you had no choice? Again, why would a male want to become a HV when some of the mothers he will see might not want him? Vulnerable women alone at home might not want an unknown man in the house.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2019 17:31

YANBU because I think it's absolutely important that men and women both retain the right to request single sex intimate care for medical situations. It's not something I feel I could compromise on.

On the other hand there is a part of me that looks at the male consultants who are monitoring my care, and I can't say I would have an issue with them being in delivery or doing exams etc. They do them everyday and I struggle with the idea of declining a perfectly supportive and professionally qualified male doctor or midwife on the grounds of "but they're a man". I'd also wonder what happens if there's complications and there's only a male obstetrician, would you be turning down the medical attention because it's weird and a man?

Ive seen male friends in early years also get the same sort of treatment where people seem to assume a man working with young children is wrong or something to be wary of. Overall, it seems a bit backwards that we want to see more women in typically male jobs but then turn our noses up at men in typically female caring roles.

That's just my personal feelings on it, but ultimately YANBU to want to make the request because it's important to maintain those rights for women/men it matters to.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 17:31

Some posters: "Yes, you're being unreasonable."

You mean, a minority of posters. So it’s not actually one of those posts and don’t be so bloody dismissive of a woman’s feelings, when it comes to who gets to touch her body. That’s so bloody misogynistic.

Sagradafamiliar · 03/12/2019 17:37

No he didn't, Panama, he just walked into my house and introduced himself and the other HV introduced herself.
While I'm quite confident that I could and probably would, request a female midwife, I was on the backfoot here. I was in my own home, knackered and recuperating from labour/childbirth and the thought hadn't crossed my mind that some health visitors would be men.
It's only really looking back that I feel a bit annoyed about it. I wasn't at the time, but I did feel conscious as soon as he complimented my looks, that I was being looked upon my the male gaze, and then embarrassed. Knowing that when he fully qualified, he would be going into vulnerable women's homes when they were alone with their babies, and no other health visitor accompanying him, makes it worse.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 17:38

122 male midwives and 42,000 women and we have people assuming the males are probably more qualified.

(If OP was using the NHS, which she already said she is not. Reading is fundamental!)

Sagradafamiliar · 03/12/2019 17:38

By the male gaze*

Sagradafamiliar · 03/12/2019 17:39

I found that comment quite remarkable too, Kittens!

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 17:40

It's well known that knowledge and wisdom reside in the testicles, after all.

GracefulHippo · 03/12/2019 17:41

For all of you saying OP is being unreasonable.

This is what happened to me. After my DD1 (first child) was born, my one and only home visit was by a male midwife who came alone into my home. My stitches really hurt, but I felt very uncomfortable to lie down on the bed, pull my bottoms down and show him my stitches. Would you all have been comfortable with this?

TruthOnTrial · 03/12/2019 17:42

Theres awful mysogyny on here.

From those who think that its important that a man is capable of doing the job, to the you'll not be in a state to care Confused

Thats no different from rape (if you're asleep or unconscious you won't notice so it doesn't matter)

Fucking appalling mysogyny from women!

It couldn't be more irrelevant that a man can do it, listen to women who are not wanting it. Are women deliberately ignoring what women need?

How is this ok on a womens forum thats standing for womens protections @MNHQ?

The sexes are very different. Do some not notice, or pretend it makes no difference that they have a vulva and that changes things, for men.

Other women also have a vulva, whereas men have a penis, and penis are highly correlated with violence and sexual attraction/bias/motivation.

Pinktornado · 03/12/2019 17:45

YANBU at all. Your body, your choice.

everybodyneedsomebody · 03/12/2019 17:45

your freedom of choice will also come with limitations on availability, which you must accept as part and parcel of owning your decision.

This is what it boils down to I think. And why it’s important for OP to accept that while preferences are fine, she may end up having to make a decision that prioritises her health but means she doesn’t end up with the care team she wants. Better to be flexible than go in rigid and be disappointed at the end.

To a PP who asked why male nurses don’t do smear tests: they do! Our practice has one male and one female nurse, both carry out smears and it’s just luck whichever one you’re assigned to for your test. They’re trained just the same as female nurses to do them. I’ve had both over the years and the test has been no more or less comfortable with either of them, they’re both perfectly competent :)

Sagradafamiliar · 03/12/2019 17:45

That's kind of like the position I was in, Graceful. I was having a few issues with breastfeeding but said it was going fine as from experience, health visitors then watch you latch (one even grabbed and pulled a nipple, different story!) and feed. I was also worried I might've had piles but couldn't bring myself to mention it.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 17:45

Pay for private if you want to be picky without any genuine reason.

Try reading the bloody thread.

I hope you never moan that the NHS is under pressure because you're the sort of person who contributes unnecessarily.

Again, try reading the bloody thread, then you won’t make a bloody fool out of yourself. Plus, the preference of the sex of your care provider is not an issue for those that run the health services, they even do training on respecting patients’ preferences, so stop spouting nonsense.

everybodyneedsomebody · 03/12/2019 17:49

This is what happened to me. After my DD1 (first child) was born, my one and only home visit was by a male midwife who came alone into my home. My stitches really hurt, but I felt very uncomfortable to lie down on the bed, pull my bottoms down and show him my stitches. Would you all have been comfortable with this?

I don’t think anyone can speak for ‘all’ as clearly going by this thread there are plenty of posters who wouldn’t be comfortable with it and plenty who would. But as an individual replying, yes I’d have been fine with it. Doesn’t mean everyone else has to be but I’d be fine (I’ve had plenty of gynae examinations and tests done by male clinicians, it’s no less awkward when they’re women than when they’re men for me).

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 17:49

What motivates people to say stuff like that? Is being vicious to other women for no reason some sort of strange hobby?

everybodyneedsomebody · 03/12/2019 17:51

Out of curiosity, people who would request not to see a male midwife or nurse, would you feel the same about a male doctor? Sometimes on threads like these there’s a weird sense that male healthcare assistants/carers/midwives/nurses are too uncomfortable to accept, but more senior staff like doctors or consultants or surgeons are okay. I’ve always wondered why that is, or whether someone who would refuse a male midwife would also refuse a male surgeon for a gynae issue?

Saz432 · 03/12/2019 17:52

I was sexually assaulted by a male doctor. So am I allowed to say no to male doctors? Do we actually have to experience assault from a male HCP before we can refuse to expose our genitals to them while scared and in pain?

I can’t believe some of these responses.

And this: It's unacceptable for a man to say that he doesn't want a female doctor or nurse.

No it isn’t. DH has a lump in his testicles and requested male HCPs while that was investigated. Why shouldn’t he be able to do that? No one batted an eyelid because these requests are made all the time.

Newmumma83 · 03/12/2019 17:54

Your choice don’t worry Too much if they have asked it’s not an uncommon request ... personally based on my feelings when in labour last time wouldn’t have worried me everyone was allowed in if they were going to help .. But we are all different in our approach and being as comfortable as possible and. It stressed is key

Besidesthepoint · 03/12/2019 17:57

This is what happened to me. After my DD1 (first child) was born, my one and only home visit was by a male midwife who came alone into my home. My stitches really hurt, but I felt very uncomfortable to lie down on the bed, pull my bottoms down and show him my stitches. Would you all have been comfortable with this?

I've had 7 years of different fertility treatments and tests and I once calculated that around 80-90 people have seen my vulva or did something in my vagina or uturus. Now I think about it, could be more by now after giving birth.... I don't care anymore who sees my bits, as long as it is in a professional (or lover) capacity. I do, however, support any woman who feels violated or vulnerable and withdraws consent for that reason.

GracefulHippo · 03/12/2019 17:57

I am happy with a male doctor, I have a male gynaecologist and would probably have been ok with a male midwife IN HOSPITAL.

I am not happy being alone in my flat, naked below having a strange man I never met before checking my stitches for my tear. It is a very vulnerable situation. Those of you who are must be very relaxed Confused

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 17:57

I would not accept any male HCP for intimate procedures unless it was quite literally a "this is an emergency and if you don't get treated now you will die" scenario.