AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

Excuse me? I am perfectly aware that there are abusive male dentists. I think you missed the point a bit there.

Awwww OP I saw an episode of OBEM and the woman in labour asked the male midwife if he wouldn't mind swapping for female,the lady was really lovely about it and he was fine but when he went outside you could see he was a little heartbroken over it. It must be horrible for them to have to go out & ask a female to do their job just cause they are male. It's their choose profession, it shouldn't matter if they have a willy or not.

FFS AuroraBor have the good grace to read the full thread before commenting, then you might just get it.

Seems like the moment a woman is pregnant everyone thinks that her body is the commons that she is unjustly denying others access to.

This paradigm underlies pretty much all maternity care in the UK now, and especially postnatal care - the woman is seen as an incubator, a vessel, she ceases to exist as an autonomous person in her own right, the child is paramount (and you're a BAD woman and mother for being 'silly' by not consenting to all and sundry giving you intimate care at any point in the process or after), she should be grateful that she's not squatting in some field somewhere alone to possibly die, don't forget, not only do you have no more bodily autonomy but also you must be grateful for this or you are a sexist, negative, discriminatory,.

The level of misogyny is stunning.

A woman had put this in her birth plan when I had my first, but in the end I think she'd have been happy for a trained monkey if it delivered it quickly enough.

Sorry, missed out quoting that:
Seems like the moment a woman is pregnant everyone thinks that her body is the commons that she is unjustly denying others access to.

AuroraBor, perhaps I should, I've explained somewhere in the thread about male dentist abusing me when I was young, over a few years. I also had a male deputy head while I was at boarding school do something too. Not particularly sexually abusive but he definitely abused his authority. Then a male boss on my first ever job..... So the pattern has set me up trying not to put myself in vulnerable situations with men.

At work, I'm a senior lecturer and the males I encounter are either on an equal power level to me or are my students. It's not all about power dynamics though and my reasoning for not wanting a male midwife isn't due to the previous sexual or power abuse (though I'm sure it pays a part), as I'd be confident my DH would be with me the entire duration of the birth. So it's not really something I've ever needed to address as it doesn't play a part in my everyday life. I'm usually a very confident and happy person who has been fortunate enough to just breeze througb life with no health or mental health issues. I don't know if it is something I'd like to address to be perfectly honest. Maybe I'm scared of what it could unearth? Who knows. I really did just come here because I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. But thank you ♥

It must be horrible for them to have to go out & ask a female to do their job just cause they are male. It's their choose profession, it shouldn't matter if they have a willy or not.

It matters to the patient. Why do the HCPs feelings matter more than hers?

Awwww OP I saw an episode of OBEM and the woman in labour asked the male midwife if he wouldn't mind swapping for female,the lady was really lovely about it and he was fine but when he went outside you could see he was a little heartbroken over it. It must be horrible for them to have to go out & ask a female to do their job just cause they are male.

So his sadness upset you, but you can’t have empathy as to why the patient might have preferences?

Bingo! Silly woman! I'd be happy with a brass band, a trained monkey, the English rugby team, so everyone else should, too!

Truly Sorry TheProdigalKittensReturn, I completely misread that and now that I’ve went back, I understand what you meant.

I believe you, dontalltalkatonce. My mother gave birth in the UK (quite a while ago obviously but I'm not convinced it's that much better now) and found the experience deeply alienating. And then once she'd given birth they wouldn't let her hold me, supposedly because of high blood pressure? Surely someone could have physically supported her rather than scolding her for wanting to hold her baby.

No worries, I was just a bit confused as to what you thought I'd said!

A woman had put this in her birth plan when I had my first, but in the end I think she'd have been happy for a trained monkey if it delivered it quickly enough.

I don’t get what you mean. Are you crowing because a woman was in so much distress during her birth that she had to accept a male midwife to save her and her baby? Glad you find that funny, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want someone so lacking in empathy near any vulnerable patient, male or female.

If I was holding onto a cliff and my rapist offered his hand, of course I’d fucking reach out to save my life. It wouldn’t change the fact that touching his hand would end up making me seriously mentally ill later. Do any of your posters that are crowing about male staff saving women’s lives not get that? Accepting help now, from someone that you don’t want touching you can seriously damage a woman’s metal wellbeing later, or do you just not care, because her distress is just ‘sexist’?

No worries, I was just a bit confused as to what you thought I'd said!
Thank you for being so gracious.

I used to work with a male midwife and he never minded if someone didn't want him - and if he got the sense they didn't want a male midwife then he would swap automatically

Starflake he should have been made aware at the beginning of his training that some women would ask for a female midwife. That's just the way it is, and it probably always will be. I'm pretty sure male midwives weren't introduced due to demand from the patients, so why would he expect any different?

If a person that identifies as a male decides to become a MW, it must be bloody obvious that they are entering a profession where some or many of their patients may refuse them - and rightly so. It's about the comfort and dignity of the patient. Whatever the male MW feels is irrelevant. They shouldn't walk into a consultation assuming they have consent of the patient. They should always ask permission - and be sensitive to the patients needs.

If a person that identifies as a male

You mean a man.

Yes. I do.

Thank you. I thought you were talking about a trans person there. It was a bit confusing, as I was wondering why a trans person who doesn’t want to be a woman, would want to deal with women.

😂

@AuroraBor is right:

"I think you are being reasonable to request a female HCP for intimate care.
However, in an earlier post you mentioned you feel vulnerable and inferior whenever a male is in a position of authority over you. These feelings are not healthy (or reasonable as objectively of course you are not inferior) and probably come from a place of anxiety/low self esteem/negative thinking patterns. I would try to address them long term. For your own sake."

(Because personally I wouldn't want to live with that kind of insecurity.)

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - the dental thing is unrelated and stems from incidents that happened to me between the ages of 8-11 while alone with a male dentist. I think I'm well and truly justified to not want to choose a male dentist. I had seen one since (during adulthood) and explained that eveb though he was fantastic, it triggered the past events for me. That is not at all relevant though to my question about refusing a male midwife.

Apologies if I misconstrued your reasoning. Of course, you should be just as free to request a female dentist as a female midwife, for any reason at all. I just didn’t quite get how the one related to the other, but I now understand that they don't.

Yes, of the minority of abusers, more of them tend to be male, but this is the same attitude that people have to male nursery workers, childcarers and teachers and it just serves to restrict and frustrate men AND women, who are told their place and not encouraged to strive for excellence, use their skills and follow their passions purely because of their sex

It's not just a few more that tend to be male though is it? The overwhelming majority of perpetrators are male, but yet you're suggesting that unless a woman ignores these statistics and associated risks then she is supporting her own oppression. Talk about victim blaming!

How is it victim blaming to suggest that a woman should have control and agency over her own decisions – and actually think them through, if she so chooses, rather than feeling obliged to live her life as though professional abuse is standard and to be expected as part of a woman’s everyday life unless she severely restricts herself in everything she does?

You picked up on my wording and I agree that I should have said ‘the vast majority’ rather than ‘more of them’ – maybe even ‘virtually all’ – but by what you’ve written, it almost sounds like women can safely assume that all male HCPs are perverts and inevitably going to abuse them – and it’s some kind of miraculous exception if a male HCP professionally and skilfully does his job before both he and you pleasantly separate and get on with your days.

Your logic is horribly flawed anyway. Do you really think that forcing male midwives on women irrespective of their own preferences will somehow clear a space for women in the boardroom? Men aren't stopping women entering their profession because they're concerned that other traditionally female dominated professions will be short staffed. Even if this were the case, supporting people's requests for same sex HCPs would surely mean that more men would specialise in male health and therefore the overall effect would be that men and women would both be associated with the health care profession albeit they would have different areas of specialism.

I have NEVER proposed forcing male midwives on women at all. I also never said that it was only men trying to ensure that female-dominated professions should deter men from joining them. There are plenty of women who instinctively think like Andrea Leadsom.

I am in favour of everybody having the free choice to request a same-sex HCP for any reason (understanding that one may not be readily available without a wait or travel to another healthcare facility).

If a woman wants to see a female GP about suspected arthritis in her fingers or if a man prefers to consult a male GP about a painful elbow, then they should have that right. I’m just surprised that most people would care, but if they do, then all well and good.