AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

It just is more comfortable. Again, if you don't like it, too bad!

There was a trainee male midwife sprung on me when I was having my second child (although it was at the induction stage not full blown labour) and I hated it. I wasn't given a choice and didn't feel capable of refusing. It makes me angry and it was years ago.

If you could give a genuine reason why- I’ll fully accept it but until then, I just think it’s a shame to the professional and well trained male HPCs out there that do a brilliant job.

I had a male midwife with my first. I was asked if I minded and feeling it would be rude to say yes, I agreed! Anyway he was fabulous! In the end he didn't deliver the baby an obstetrician (who happened to be female) was needed for that.

However, on my first trip out post baby, I bumped into him in Sainsbury's which was definitely a bit of strange experience!

1 - don't need a reason, comfort is sufficient

2 - actually has provided reasons, read the thread

YANBU. You don't have to give a reason. In an emergency situation it might not be possible but in a planned scenario it is a perfectly reasonable request.

And I think it's a shame that you think women need to justify their boundaries because those boundaries might make men sad.

I had a male midwife and not only did I hate it the attending Dr obviously thought something was off because she was very terse with him. Mercifully I was transferred so didn’t have to have him throughout.

I just think it’s a shame to the professional and well trained male HPCs out there that do a brilliant job.

Do they care as much as you do though?

jellybean surely you realise that the vast majority of women feel differently about being naked in front of or being touched intimately by men as opposed to women?

Because men are overwhelmingly responsible for violent and sexual attacks on women. If you can’t see how that would lead some women to prefer female caregivers, then maybe YOU need to ask yourself what your thought processes are that lead you to ignore that reality and not recognise women’s right to their feelings. Maybe dig into your innermost consciousness and work out why you feel that women have to put themselves at potential, no mater how tiny, in order to appease men.

That's fair enough - if you read what I said, I think I acknowledged that. I've said several times that nobody has to justify anything and should have that right regardless. This discussion has gone far beyond simply intimate medical care.

I think you might have misconstrued what I wrote as a personal attack on you, when it was just a suggestion that all people - men and women - might freely choose to examine their reasoning for ALL decisions they make - for their own benefit and full enjoyment of life as much as anything else.

If they prefer not to and would rather rationalise that 'most violent crime against women is perpetrated by men' is the same as 'all men are probably going to attack me given half a chance, so I will segregate myself from all males except those in my own family whenever possible'; or that 'most terrorism is committed by people identifying as Muslim' is the same as 'all Muslims want to kill me'; then that's entirely their own choice.

I presume that those who choose the former as their pathway through life will also show solidarity and seek to restrict their sons and strongly discourage them from entering any profession or pastime where women or children may have to interact with them.

I just see there are countries in the world where men and women are pretty much legally segregated on the grounds of sex, unless related, and I personally wouldn't want that kind of society in the UK. Some things are very slowly changing for the better, but, oddly enough, the enforced segregations usually seem to work far more in the men's favour and leave the women at a great disadvantage and without the same common rights as the men have.

I'm not saying that women should do anything just to appease men, as I don't think most men would actually care about it or even give it a moment's thought. My only suggestion was that people might (or might not) sometimes want to think through why they feel and act as they do. If you don't feel that need and/or prefer to always act on impulse, then that is your absolute right.

A genuine reason, is because I wouldn't feel comfortable! I don't need to elaborate or articulate why.

Why do some people get scared at horror movies and some don't? You'd never have to justify that. Some people cry at funerals, some dont
Some people like peas, some don't. We are all unique
We all have different experiences and journeys. Just because it's something you're obviously comfortable with, doesn't mean me or anyone else should be. You can call me sad all you want, but it's my body and my feelings. Why should I be ashamed of how I feel when it's not unique? Why should I be bullied into being made to feel differently or to justify why I feel a certain way?

I..... Don't.....feel..... Comfortable.... With.... A.... Male.... I.... Don't.....know.... Looking.....at..... My....... Intimate.....parts.

That's society. That's why we have male and female toilets. That's why we have male and female changing rooms. Women gym classes. Men's night in pubs....

It's why at airports they have staffed on male and female staff at security. It's why she sex strip searches occur in custody and in prison.

It's why when booking a smear test, you get asked if you would prefer a female HCP.

Not unreasonable at all & any MW (of either sex) will understand that women need to be as comfortable/relaxed as possible in order to give birth.
My best birth was with only DH in the room - that’s how I am most comfortable.

I'm not even remotely white

In that case you should be ashamed of yourself for using BMAE people as a gotcha, knowing how racist that is.

nice deflect though

I currently have a male physio, because he’s not sticking his hand up my vagina. It was two two male ambulance drivers that took me to hospital, because, guess what, they weren’t sticking their hands up my vagina either. P.s, my male doctor, vet, postman, taxi driver, shop keeper, etc don’t stick their hands up my vagina either. Do you get it yet?

Reason I ask is locally recently a paramedic was in court after because accused of (can’t remember how many counts of) raping a patient in their own home. Seriously! And you wonder why some women prefer male medical staff?

Do you also refuse to lone work with men?

I spent 25yrs working in head injury rehab and was usually the staff member on nights that was sent to the secure unit to work with the vastly predominately male confused and aggressive patients, as I was one of the staff best able to deal with them. So I’m afraid my experiences of mixing with men will disappoint you.

But we’re not talking about ME. We’re talking about a woman’s right to choose who touches her body, so no amount of gotchas and distractions are going to change my views on that.

Do they care as much as you do though?

IME they do not. Mostly people don't go into medicine actively hoping to cause patients anxiety and distress after all.

So you’d also refuse a trans women midwife also?

Hell yes, I'd refuse.

I'd also refuse any other midwife who 'identified as trans whatever' too.

When a woman is in labour the last thing she needs is demands she validate some else's bloody identity. It would be utterly inappropriate to ever put any woman in such a position. What kind of hideous misogynist would even think to suggest it as a hypothetical? What the actual fucking fuck?

I was allocated a male midwife and politely said I would prefer a female which i was then allocated. I think male midwives are very used to this and its no big deal. You have the right to choose.

Yeah, I actually believe that this will be a total non issue for the male midwives anyway.
When I was a solicitor in the UK, I was rejected by a client in custody due to being a female. I didn't bat an eyelid. He just had to wait longer. People don't get so alarmed when a female requests a female nurse does her PAP smear.

But we’re not talking about ME. We’re talking about a woman’s right to choose who touches her body, so no amount of gotchas and distractions are going to change my views on that.

Indeed. Unlike the OP I don't care what sex my dentist is - in fact in my case he's male and the best dentist I've ever had. I've actually fallen asleep while he's working on my teeth, that's how relaxed I am with him.

Notice that I am not therefore asking the OP to justify her preference for a female dentist! Because different people have different preferences, and that's OK.

I..... Don't.....feel..... Comfortable.... With.... A.... Male.... I.... Don't.....know.... Looking.....at..... My....... Intimate.....parts.

There is absolutely nothing unreasonable or sexist about that.

In a previous job I did personal care for elderly people. Lots of the women wanted only female carers for bathing, getting dressed etc. Not a problem. We only had a few male residents but several of them wanted only male carers in the same way - harder to practically arrange because most of the staff were female, but where possible this was accommodated too. Glad to see how many people here would assume they were all being sexist for preferring a same-sex carer when it came to seeing them naked, though

I think you are being reasonable to request a female HCP for intimate care.
However, in an earlier post you mentioned you feel vulnerable and inferior whenever a male is in a position of authority over you. These feelings are not healthy (or reasonable as objectively of course you are not inferior) and probably come from a place of anxiety/low self esteem/negative thinking patterns. I would try to address them long term. For your own sake.

Some people are fucking nuts.

OP, ask for whatever makes you most comfortable.

Please tell me why it suddenly becomes more comfortable to you, having a stranger with a vagina do the same?

I don’t think too many women are going to share the kinds of details I think you’re looking for. shudder By the way, the word you’re looking for is woman.

Look > ‘Woman’ Nice and simple, only needs four letters.
Compared to > ‘stranger with a vagina’ 19 letters, clunky, silly, takes up too much space.

Unlike the OP I don't care what sex my dentist is - in fact in my case he's male and the best dentist I've ever had. I've actually fallen asleep while he's working on my teeth, that's how relaxed I am with him.

I’m so glad you’ve never been sexually abused by your male dentist. Unfortunately there are many women who have been, so don’t have the luxury of your ignorance.

Five letter. Can I blame spellcheck? 😳😁