AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

What even is a theme hospital?

Someone's skin color can't rape anyone, but their cock can.

Only racists use race as a trump card. I feel sorry for them, you can imagine how proud they are of themselves for thinking of something clever, not realising it not only has already been said, but reveals their bigotry!

For the birth of my first child, I had both a male.and a female midwife attending the birth, a difficult birth,and they were both amazing together.

My second child was delivered by my Husband in our car,so had to be a male !
But I always thought that a woman could request a female midwife or doctor if that was her preference.

I haven’t read the whole thread but my male midwife for DC2 was an absolute godsend. I was on the labour ward but he shielded me from all the consultants and gave me space and respect. The woman who replaced him on his break was bossy and unheeding. Just one counter-example.

Having said that, I do think labouring women’s wishes should be followed, where possible. It’s not sexist in my view but you might end up missing out on someone very good, OP!

Am I the only person who feels like this?

Not even vaguely. Not wanting male healthcare practitioners when you are naked and vulnerable is very, very common, to the point I'd call it the norm.

Sure some women would be OK with a male midwife, but many if not most prefer a woman and the hospital will be used to such requests as it is your protected right to ask for a female for such intimate situations.

Good luck and enjoy your new baby.

@TheProdigalKittensReturn

So you’d also refuse a trans women midwife also? Or would you ask first if they still have a penis?

@Passthecherrycoke

I loved the womanhood of birth and labour too.Don’t know why they all turn into evil bastards once you get to the post natal ward though

This is SO true!

I would refuse any male HCP for intimate care, regardless of how they identify. But I think you knew that.

So their skin colour isn’t an issue, but suddenly when their genitals are concerned it’s suddenly an issue for you?

Yes. And your point is? People of certain faiths can also ask for same sex providers. I take it they have to ignore their religious beliefs, even if they believe they have failed in their practices and the distress that can cause them and their families, in order please others?

Thankfully the health service tries to accommodate those who want to have same sex healthcare providers, as those that work in it recognise how beneficial it is to a person’s mental and physical wellbeing. The6 even include it in their mandatory training. Are you saying the health service is wrong and you know better?

Of course you can request a female midwife just as if men are having an intimate procedure they can request a male.

It has absolutely nothing to do with race. Unless you think one race is more dangerous than another?

YANBU but I had to be rushed into theatre during my labour for an emergency delivery and a man performed the surgery. If you're in a situation between your baby dying and having a man deliver the baby you really won't care.

So you’d also refuse a trans women midwife also? Or would you ask first if they still have a penis?

Anymore theoretical scenarios to shoehorn in? 😑

I do think women should have this choice in childbirth.

It IS sexist though.

I mean the definition of sexist is to discriminate purely on the basis of sex. Which the OP is.

If you don't want to be sexist Op, then why not meet the potential midwives and see which if any, actually make you feel uncomfortable, rather than assuming it will be the ones with cod-dangles (been watching too much upstart crow).

Also, I think that it's rather disrespectful towards the OP to try to turn her thread into a "let's try to gotcha the feminists" exercise.

So you’d also refuse a trans women midwife also? Or would you ask first if they still have a penis?

Aren’t you one of the posters who constantly complains about FWR being over run with women talking about trans people? Why are you trying to steer the discussion towards trans?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily nah, I'm not even remotely white

On the whole I'd go with YABU. You've pretty much said as much at the beginning of the thread. You have no reason which you can articulate. ("for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby"). It's just a special moment, and you'd rather only women were involved.

I'd agree with the comparisons with ethnic background. What about your wedding when you and all the guests are white? Could you specify a white registrar please, no real reason, you know all the other ones are fantastic, you'd just feel more comfortable about it. Or a Welsh one? You don't speak Welsh but you are Welsh and you'd just like a Welsh person to officiate, it seems more appropriate, no other reason.

Full house duchess! Despite me covering all of that in my original question! Also been asked if I'd object due to skin colour or sexual orientation. No and no.

Nooooooooo. I just don't feel comfortable with a male whom I don't know seeing me give birth. Or looking at my vagina. Or touching it. Even if he sees ten a day. Doesn't make me any more comfortable.

Keep getting told likelihood of Dr being male. This hospital is known for having 100% female consultants and Drs on their maternity ward. Surely that's more sexist?!!

The old "NHS be grateful" has come out a few times. But I've already said I'm not using the NHS as I live abroad. Or "I had a male midwife, he was the best". He could well be the best, glad it wasn't an issue FOR YOU, but despite him being the best, I would not feel comfortable.

Oh, would I request a female only waitress or pilot? No, because they're not doing intimate things to me.

Anyhow, aside from weird ramblings from some, I've had some excellent advice and I feel confident now in expressing my preferences. I no longer feel like I'm a sexist weirdo and I don't feel I'm being unreasonable having a preference over who attends my birth and gives me intimate care. I just cannot believe in 2019, women are shaming me (and others) for not being comfortable with showing an unknown male my most intimate parts...just because it was OK for them. I can't believe in 2019, some women believe a male's feelings come before a female's feelings. That a female should just willingly and openly give access to a male 'just because he's professional'. Some of that doesn't sit right with me.

Thank you ♥

Nope not me!

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

Nice deflect of the question though.

Would you refuse an ambulance if the HCP were male? Reason I ask is locally recently a paramedic was in court after because accused of (can’t remember how many counts of) raping a patient in their own home.

Do you also refuse to lone work with men?

For the record, since we're being silly, I have no preference as to whether the person performing my vaginal exam is Welsh or not. Because Welsh people are not responsible for 98% of sex crimes, and half of them have vaginas of their own.

M3lon

Don’t be ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing sexist about body autonomy and choosing not to have a man out his hand near your vagina. When you go for a bra fitting, do you want a male or female looking at and touching your breasts? After all, they’re just doing their job. Maybe you could request a female bra fitter for your young daughter or Niece’s first bra fitting and you could sit outside.

Out = put

‘Nooooooooo. I just don't feel comfortable with a male whom I don't know seeing me give birth. Or looking at my vagina. Or touching it. Even if he sees ten a day. Doesn't make me any more comfortable. ‘

Please tell me why it suddenly becomes more comfortable to you, having a stranger with a vagina do the same?

YANBU
Just mention it to your midwife at your clinic appointment. My midwife asked me if I was comfortable with male care workers as they had 3 male students working in the unit. I wasn't sure if I would be so told her I'd prefer female midwives, she noted it down no further questions asked.