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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
myself2020 · 03/12/2019 14:40

@TotalRecall because most of the things you said can be planned in advance. if there is no male carer free now, the elderly man gets his shower in 30 minutes, no big issue. you get your breast exam when a female nurse is free.
Insisting on a specific gendered midwife etc means somebody else might have to change midwife support as births usually can’t wait until somebody is free

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 14:41

I know. I fly often, if the scanner ever goes off, they'll always get a female to do a pat down. I don't even request that, it's standard protocol.

Male and female changing rooms....

Female's religious beliefs determining that she's unable to be seen by a male.

Yet, giving birth, perhaps the most intimate, we are just expected to be submissive and accept?

OP posts:
NotTonightJosepheen · 03/12/2019 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:42

Can those expressing outrage articulate why someone's choice regarding their bodily autonomy and which has literally no effect on anyone else whatsoever, enrages them so?

It can be summed up in three words, because poor men.

That’s exactly what it boils down to.

easyandy101 · 03/12/2019 14:43

Everyone raise your hands if you're happy to tell a 85 year old woman with early dementia and her children that she's being sexist when she refuses to have a young man give her a bedbath?

My mum needs help around the house, with dressing and with other stuff. She prefers it if my sister helps with some stuff. She's my mum, there isn't a fear of bad things happening it just makes her feel more comfortable

Bogoffrain · 03/12/2019 14:44

When my dts were delivered over 10 weeks prematurely, the surgeons were men the theatre nurse inserting the catheter was male, the two paediatricians that saved my boys lives were men the consultant in charge was male. I thank the lord for these men every day of my life.

Sagradafamiliar · 03/12/2019 14:45

So what's your opinion on the question in the OP, Bog?

easyandy101 · 03/12/2019 14:46

because poor men.

I don't think that the people saying this are blokes though are they

Any man doing this job would surely be understanding to such a request. No one's suggesting banning them and plenty of people appear happy to benefit from their care.

Just can't understand why someone else's preference would be offensive at all, never mind rage inducing

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:48

It's amusing to imagine the rush to reassure that would ensue if OP was a man asking if it was OK not to want a woman to do his prostate exam instead.

(Men make that request all the time, nobody seems to take umbrage.)

damnthatanxiety · 03/12/2019 14:48

do you have a preference for the skin colour of your medical practitioners also?

DuchessofWoke · 03/12/2019 14:49

Absolutely not unreasonable at all OP.

I’m not even going to read the thread. It’s been done to death over the years I’ve been on here. Always the same. I will assume the following have been covered:

  1. Are you worried he’ll be turned on by your bits - I can assure you you’ll look horrible down there and he won’t get a thrill at all.
  1. When you’re in labour you won’t care.
  1. If you’re a Muslim or have been sexually abused...then maybe it’s ok. Otherwise it’s not allowed. (Wtf?)
  1. And the classic: my female midwife was a bitch, the male one was lovely. Ergo: women are bitches, men are wonderful.

Did I get full house?

Giant eye roll to it all. I presume you’re a shareholder in the NHS by dint of paying taxes? You are entitled to make this request. I think it’s disgraceful to force you to be exposed in front of a man for a prolonged period of time when it makes you feel uncomfortable. Just so men can muscle their way into what has absolutely always been a female area of healthcare.

JemSynergy · 03/12/2019 14:49

YANBU. I would probably feel the same. As it happens with my second baby I had to go into theatre and I had various midwives and staff in the room, one was a guy and I have to say he was absolutely amazing and actually much more compassionate than some of the female midwives in the room. I was a bit embarrassed at first having a male midwife but he was very reassuring and calming.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:49

myself2020

I think you are in your rights to refuse this - it IS sexist though.

How the fuck does the right for a woman to have body autonomy during childbirth become classed as sexist? Would you tell a woman in a changing room, that she’s sexist for not wanting a man in there? Would you tell your dear old granny that she’s sexist for not wanting a male nurse to wash her privates?

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 14:50

Bogoffrain good for you, I'd be thankful too. I've previously stayed that paramount to my (outrageous, sexist) feelings, my baby's life would always be my priority. But if I'm to labour naturally without any interventions like my previous 3, I'd be more comfortable having female care.

I get that many of you have had male midwives and they've been far superior to the females had in previous births. I said in my original post that I'm happy there's male midwives in such a stereotypical workplace, and it must take someone special to want to do that. But I wouldn't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
feelingverylazytoday · 03/12/2019 14:50

damn what has that got to sex?

Hithere2 · 03/12/2019 14:50

"I know. I fly often, if the scanner ever goes off, they'll always get a female to do a pat down. I don't even request that, it's standard protocol.

Male and female changing rooms....

Female's religious beliefs determining that she's unable to be seen by a male.

Yet, giving birth, perhaps the most intimate, we are just expected to be submissive and accept?"

You nailed it! YANBU

Bogoffrain · 03/12/2019 14:52

My opinion is that it’s the quality of care that matters not who gives it. I was in labour for 12 hours before the emergency c section, I wouldn’t have minded who looked after me or what sex they are.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:52

do you have a preference for the skin colour of your medical practitioners also?

I don’t think their skin colour correlates with the likelihood of them having a dick. I bet you’re white. It always seems to be white people that like to use people of colour as a gotcha.

Banana0pancakes · 03/12/2019 14:52

It's your choice OP but personally I was happy to leave the hospital in one piece with a healthy baby. A male hippopotamus could have delivered my DD or DS and I wouldn't have cared less as long as he was qualified.

DuchessofWoke · 03/12/2019 14:53

If someone has been abused by either sex of course it is ok to say you have a preference- but for those who haven’t been sexually abused, i don’t think it’s justified to wipe out a male midwife

This argument annoys me the most. So, I have to be raped first in order to have body autonomy? Or quickly convert to Islam? Otherwise, put up and shut up?

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:54

The person sticking her hand up my fanjo for medical purposes can be of any colour, even if it's purple with green spots. What on earth would that have to do with anything?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:54

DuchessofWoke

Do I get a full house?

No. You forgot Lesbian.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:55

I have a hamsa necklace that someone gave me as a gift, if I wear it to the hospital can I get away with requesting a female HCP without being shouted at?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:56

So, I have to be raped first in order to have body autonomy?

Apparently so. It’s like the posters who say we should move over and share female spaces with men, because the law can always deal with them AFTER a woman has been sexually assaulted. Comforting, isn’t it.

Jellybeansincognito · 03/12/2019 14:56

So their skin colour isn’t an issue, but suddenly when their genitals are concerned it’s suddenly an issue for you?

If you’re paying for healthcare fair enough- when you’re using overstretched NHS midwives though, it’s not great to be picky.
It’s not theme hospital.