AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

just because of a male midwife? This is bonkers.

Your attitude is revolting and woman hating.

Men aren’t the only people to sexually abuse others @neonglow

(Sorry, OP, I feel like we've hit the "are you kidding me??!" point of this thread.)

Goodluckhun - I think it's mostly those patriarchal structures that is my issue. I couldn't think what my problem was other than discomfort. It isn't a sexual thing, or an abuse thing as I know my DH would be with me for the duration. It's not even to do with not having the same anatomy (though that does creep into my reasoning). But ever since I was a little girl I've been quietly conditioned to believe I have to be quiet, "seen not heard". My mother placed a lot of emphasis on how I should look and act around people, especially men. I supposed subconsciously that's what my issue is. There'll be the power imbalance too as I'll be half naked and in pain and not in full control of my bodily functions.
The bottom line is, I wouldn't feel comfortable. I don't have to put any thought process into why, or justify why. If I feel that then I feel that!

Well out of those 1 in 5 women the vast majority will have been abused by a male.

Your body , your choice if at all possible. I say this as someone who had a male gynaecologist, a male embryologist, a male fertility specialist nurse and would have welcomed a male midwife if one had been on duty.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

My attitude is revolting and women hating? I think you just need to open your eyes tbh.

Would you refuse surgery because the majority of the people dealing with you whilst unconscious would be male?

semi controversial one, this but IMO YANBU, i'd feel the same, to the i expect limited extent that there are any male midwives in the uk.

I dont think its necessarily sexist and dont think it would bother me.
I think it's really important for women to feel as comfortable as possible during labour. Most women would prefer a female nurse or gp to carry out a smear, not that different really.

I've never been sexually abused and would still prefer not to have a man looking at or touching my vagina unless I'm shagging him. This is not a particularly unusual preference, no matter how huffy it may make some people.

Equality means equality, but what we should really be aiming for is not equality but liberation, the freedom to choose.

Freedom to discriminate, more like. So you should be able to choose to have just white, male, straight, Oxbridge-educated doctors if you want?

Can those expressing outrage articulate why someone's choice regarding their bodily autonomy and which has literally no effect on anyone else whatsoever, enrages them so?

Cos i can see 2 acceptable views on this:

1 - you'd be happy to be examined or cared for by a bloke
2 - you wouldn't

Neither choice has any bearing on the other

If someone has been abused by either sex of course it is ok to say you have a preference- but for those who haven’t been sexually abused, i don’t think it’s justified to wipe out a male midwife.

It isn’t enjoyable or comfortable to have a stranger in the room when you’re giving birth, their gender doesn’t make anything less comfortable, at all and if it does, that’s something as a society we need to change because after all. Midwifes are professional, and we shouldn’t be negative about one just because they’re male.

Men aren’t the only people to sexually abuse others

No, but the abusers of women and children are massively statistically male. Do you want to tell men that have been abused by women, that they have no right to ask for a male clinician for prostate exams. One of my brothers was abused by a man and won’t deal with make clinicians, as a result. The stress of it can trigger a shut down. Does that mean he’s sexist? Has he no right to feel safer being treated by a woman?

This thread is weird.

No one bats an eyelid when women ask for a female practitioner to do a Pap smear.

No one bats an eyelid when a rape victim asks for a female practitioner to collect evidence.

No one bats an eyelid when a women asks for a female practitioner to do a breast exam.

No one bats an eyelid when a woman requests a female GP to discuss her yeast infection.

No one bats an eyelid when an elderly woman asks for a female carer to help her shower.

No one bats an eyelid when an elderly man asks for a male carer to help him shower.

No one bats an eyelid when they send in a TSA employee of the same sex to strip search you at the airport.

Why the fuck is this so different?

I think you are in your rights to refuse this - it IS sexist though. And it might delay you getting the attention you need, but that is a risk you know you are taking (even the most amazing midwife can’t be at 2 places at the same time).

Ignore the troll. I believe that coming on to a thread, ignoring all the posts and then sticking the boot in, is a form of trolling and I've seen it more than once in recent days, in relation to similar women's issues.

Wipe out? She's saying she doesn't want to be treated by him, not murdering him.

I've never been sexually abused. I prefer female HCPs for intimate procedures and will insist on having one. Don't like that? Too bad.

Another case where people abuse equality, so all men can ask for a male doctor or nurse when they need to look below. It takes a male and female to produce a child, but the child came out of a womb, so belongs to the mother. This is al BS, the truth is men and woman are different, should be treated differently throughout their lives, and equality is used where someone wants to gain an advantage.

Men aren’t the only people to sexually abuse others @neonglow

True. They are responsible for the overwhelming majority of sexual assaults on females though.

Everyone raise your hands if you're happy to tell a 85 year old woman with early dementia and her children that she's being sexist when she refuses to have a young man give her a bedbath?

My hand is staying firmly down, thank you. How about you?

With my first baby at 21 the midwife suggested the male trainee doctor have a check of the baby, which I was fine with. Ended up being taken to theatre with ds born via a male surgeon.

Ds 2 I had one female midwife, start to finish even stitching me up. Didn't see anyone else until the baby had been born.

I would not care if they were male or female, as long as my baby is ok.

Would you refuse surgery because the majority of the people dealing with you whilst unconscious would be male?

We’re not talking about standard surgery, we’re talking about a man touching a woman’s intimate parts, causing her distress, during a vulnerable time. What’s not to get about that?

And it’s SEX NOT GENDER! Jfc!

Why the fuck is this so different?

Seems like the moment a woman is pregnant everyone thinks that her body is the commons that she is unjustly denying others access to. Like some sort of bizarre misogynistic version of the law that allows ramblers to cut through someone's farm when they're on a walk.