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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
woodchuck99 · 03/12/2019 14:14

before me perform

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:16

No, you're right - but it still doesn't involve her vagina, which she indicated was the deciding factor.

Try reading the OP’s posts. Sorry about this OP but I have to say it. Her vagina was very much the issue when she was assaulted by her dentist. Strangely enough a woman’s/girl’s vagina is very much the deciding factor when a man abuses her.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:18

why are people asking her to examine her motives?

I find it’s usually said by people that want women to ignore their own boundaries so men can gain access.

Breathlessness · 03/12/2019 14:19

My dentist is a woman and I’ve felt uncomfortable with the how close she had to get to me for a prolonged period of time (very deep white fillings right at the back.) It made me feel very self conscious. I didn’t ask to see a woman rather than a man but I know that I’d have felt more uncomfortable and self conscious if it had been a man. I dread smear appointments as I feel very exposed and embarrassed but I force myself to go. If I had to see a male nurse I would not go.

carly2803 · 03/12/2019 14:19

each to their own!

personally i had male doctors etc,didnt bother me at all. But thats my personal choice.

If i felt strongly i would have requested a female midwife/doctor

but when 2 lives hangin the balance of their expertees, a brass band could be having a look up my vagina!

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:19

Again, why should she, or anyone, have to explain why they don't want an opposite sex HCP? Why are they required to prove that they've been sufficiently traumatized for their request to carry weight? Do people not realize how callous a thing that is to do?

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 14:21

100% spot on, T0tally.

HarrietTheFly · 03/12/2019 14:21

I had a female midwife but it was a male who had to stitch me up or something at the end - I was too exhausted and fairly out of it by this point to remember clearly now what he did, but I know he was a student and they asked if I was ok with it being a man. He was very nice and I was completely at ease. But that's irrelevant and no yanbu. It's a very vulnerable time.

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 14:22

I don't know why she keeps going on about the dentist?!!!

Love how I'm sexist because I don't feel comfortable with the thought of potentially having a man I've never met look at and poke my vagina while I possibly poop myself! Like I should just be submissive and accept that's who's assigned to me so I should just be happy and conform like a good little woman should "because I had a male midwife who was great/saved my baby's life".
Like I said, I'm happy some people are happy to receive care from a male midwife/doctor/nurse....im not. It makes me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable not sexist.

OP posts:
goodluckhun · 03/12/2019 14:23

It's not sexist, people are throwing that term around without considering that sexism has to be backed up by institutional power and dynamics. It's slightly discriminatory perhaps, but not sexist.

Your body, your choice. I wouldn't be happy with a male midwife either for numerous reasons not least because of the patriarchal structures in place that put us on an uneven keel and would be disruptive to giving birth - subconsciously or not I would feel uncomfortable, uneasy, on display, like I was making too much noise etc. Ingrained gender norms would be hard to ignore in that context

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 14:24

TheProdigalKittensReturn - exactly!

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 03/12/2019 14:25

‘ Love how I'm sexist because I don't feel comfortable with the thought of potentially having a man I've never met look at and poke my vagina while I possibly poop myself!‘

I thought it wasn’t about your vagina OP?
Why would it make you feel more uncomfortable just because it’s a man? It isn’t particularly grate with a female either.

The male midwives may have more experience than the female ones at your hospital, who are you to know?

I think your uncomfortableness is actually quite sad OP.

They are professionals, their gender is irrelevant to their role.

neonglow · 03/12/2019 14:25

Ultimately though, I am sure they will be prioritising the health of you and your baby, over whether the midwife has a penis.

I would say not wanting a woman to feel distressed and subsequently traumatised and depressed after her birth as prioritising her health 🙄

Jellybeansincognito · 03/12/2019 14:26

Grate? I obviously meant great.

Jellybeansincognito · 03/12/2019 14:26

‘ I would say not wanting a woman to feel distressed and subsequently traumatised and depressed after her birth as prioritising her health‘

^ just because of a male midwife? This is bonkers.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 03/12/2019 14:28

^
I thought it wasn’t about your vagina OP?
Why would it make you feel more uncomfortable just because it’s a man? It isn’t particularly grate with a female either.^

Don't be silly.

easyandy101 · 03/12/2019 14:28

I think your uncomfortableness is actually quite sad OP.

A history of abuse can be a bit like that 😑

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:28

So, anyway, OP, you have a right to decide that you'd rather have a female HCP, regardless of how sad that makes other people.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:29

I think your uncomfortableness is actually quite sad OP.

Don’t be so bloody patronising. I think the men and the misogynistic women coming on here to tell a woman that she should let a strange man tough her because of some absolute bullshite about it otherwise being sexist is a dammed site sadder.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:29

*touch

Jellybeansincognito · 03/12/2019 14:29

I think after losing a child during birth, or having a severe blood loss or care neglect during labour are pretty valid reasons to feel distressed, traumatised and depressed - saying that about someone’s reaction to their midwife being male is a little bit pathetic to be honest.

Considering the amount of women who did feel like that after birth would have more than likely been treated by a female midwife, after all.

neonglow · 03/12/2019 14:29

@Jellybeansincognito

Yes absolutely some women will feel distressed and traumatised at having a man caring for them throughout labour, seeing them naked, giving them vagina examinations. As I’ve stated before at least 1 in 5 women giving birth have a history of rape/sexual abuse at some point.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:30

just because of a male midwife? This is bonkers.

You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?

Bumpitybumper · 03/12/2019 14:30

@Jellybeansincognito
I think your uncomfortableness is actually quite sad OP
I find your lack of empathy quite sad. Men are different to women. They don't have the same body parts and are responsible for the vast majority of sexual assaults.

They are professionals, their gender is irrelevant to their role
Sex not gender. Has a "professional" never abused their position to prey on vulnerable patients? What percent of those professionals that have done this have been male? You may feel comforted by their professional status and feel that this removes any threat, not everyone agrees with you.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:31

Think of the poor male HCPs who didn't get the chance to have a poke around in a particular patient's vagina while she was giving birth! The tragedy! The pathos! Can we not prioritize their feelings?

Hmm