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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/12/2019 13:57

I am absolutely NOT saying that women shouldn't have the right to ask for a female HCP, whether they have objectively 'justifiable reasons' (i.e. survivors of past abuse by men) or simply feel uncomfortable and prefer to request another woman.

I just think that it can be a healthy thing to ask yourself what your thought processes are that lead you to that decision.

Again, of course it's not the same thing as an intimate examination at all, but studies have shown that sellers on eBay with obviously female usernames are less successful in achieving sales and as high selling prices in auctions than sellers with male-sounding or neutral usernames. If it were possible to do so, I would also ask buyers to consider their thought processes that led to them choosing to buy an item from 'Kentbloke' over the identical, same-priced brand new item from 'Philippa4385'. Is KB more local to them or did he write a more detailed or confidence-inspiring description, or was it just because they thought "Well, it's an electric drill, so he'll probably know more about what he's selling than she would" or "It's probably his business and livelihood but she's likely a SAHM with a well-paid husband and just trying to making a few extra quid for luxuries" ?

As I said, intimate healthcare and online shopping are absolutely not the same thing at all, but I still think it's healthy principle on a personal level to ask ourselves why we make our decisions - decisions which we are fully entitled to make without having to give any reasons whatsoever if we don't want to.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 14:00

I had a male student doctor observing when my first was born along with a student midwife (female). It honestly was fine

For you. For you. I had no problem with students whom my consultant had personally selected observing my first delivery which was a back to back with the baby's hand up over her ear cupping her head so mid-cavity forceps. I had no problem with a student midwife (happened to e female) assisting with my second birth. But I don't speak for all women and their consent for who accesses their bodies is not mine to give away because I'm fine with it and HCPs have 'seen it all before'.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:00

She doesn't have to justify why she doesn't want a male dentist. "No" is a complete answer.

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 14:00

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily yes they are. And your post articulated perfectly how I felt.

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys - glad it was OK for you.

OP posts:
Blitzen2 · 03/12/2019 14:01

You have the absolute right to request who you want. My worry would be though if it’s a spontaneous labour and there’s only a male midwife available. They won’t bring someone else on shift just for you or swap if someone is already in the middle of an active labour

nornironrock · 03/12/2019 14:03

The issue is not how to state your preference without sounding sexist. The simple fact of the matter is that you are being sexist.

The issues is that you have a preference.
So state it.
You are perfectly entitled to have a preference. Whether anyone - me included - finds it offensive, isn't the point. It is then for the hospital to resource the birth according to your preferences - if they can.

Ultimately though, I am sure they will be prioritising the health of you and your baby, over whether the midwife has a penis.

Bumpitybumper · 03/12/2019 14:03

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll
Yes, of the minority of abusers, more of them tend to be male, but this is the same attitude that people have to male nursery workers, childcarers and teachers and it just serves to restrict and frustrate men AND women, who are told their place and not encouraged to strive for excellence, use their skills and follow their passions purely because of their sex
It's not just a few more that tend to be male though is it? The overwhelming majority of perpetrators are male, but yet you're suggesting that unless a woman ignores these statistics and associated risks then she is supporting her own oppression. Talk about victim blaming!

Your logic is horribly flawed anyway. Do you really think that forcing male midwives on women irrespective of their own preferences will somehow clear a space for women in the boardroom? Men aren't stopping women entering their profession because they're concerned that other traditionally female dominated professions will be short staffed. Even if this were the case, supporting people's requests for same sex HCPs would surely mean that more men would specialise in male health and therefore the overall effect would be that men and women would both be associated with the health care profession albeit they would have different areas of specialism.

SexlessBoulderBelly · 03/12/2019 14:05

I think YABU in my own opinion. But my opinion is not yours and you are going to be going through a generally vulnerable time, if having all female staff is what will make it that little bit easier then why not. You matter too.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:05

I just think that it can be a healthy thing to ask yourself what your thought processes are that lead you to that decision.

Because men are overwhelmingly responsible for violent and sexual attacks on women. If you can’t see how that would lead some women to prefer female caregivers, then maybe YOU need to ask yourself what your thought processes are that lead you to ignore that reality and not recognise women’s right to their feelings. Maybe dig into your innermost consciousness and work out why you feel that women have to put themselves at potential, no mater how tiny, in order to appease men.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/12/2019 14:05

I assume, correct me if I’m wrong OP, it’s the fact that the OP is lying down on a chair with the physically stronger male leaning over her, in very close proximity, in physical contact and also that feeling of being unable to ‘escape’ in the event of an assault.

No, you're right - but it still doesn't involve her vagina, which she indicated was the deciding factor. I've personally never seen a dentist who didn't also have a female assistant working alongside him and a female receptionist very close by.

Assault is a vile thing, but it's a sad state of affairs if women have to live in fear (as opposed to being cautious) and feel they can only ever (reluctantly) interact with men if they have absolutely no choice in the matter. Just treating all men as they would lions and staying well away from them at all times.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:06

Speaking of people examining their own motivations, I think a lot of people could do with examining why a woman drawing boundaries about who she's willing to have touch her body, particularly in an intimate way, causes them to feel outrage and anger on the behalf of the men for whom permission is being denied.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:06

*at potential harm

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/12/2019 14:07

You can't fix women's fear by telling them to stop feeling it, WeBuilt.

Berrylove · 03/12/2019 14:08

Yanbu at all, at the end of the day it’s YOUR labour, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable and safe during this time, I was adamant I didn’t want a male midwife either and thankfully I didn’t get one. It’s nothing to do with being sexist or whatever, it’s about you being at ease with the people sharing that experience with you.

JacobReesClunge · 03/12/2019 14:08

Because men are overwhelmingly responsible for violent and sexual attacks on women. If you can’t see how that would lead some women to prefer female caregivers, then maybe YOU need to ask yourself what your thought processes are that lead you to ignore that reality and not recognise women’s right to their feelings. Maybe dig into your innermost consciousness and work out why you feel that women have to put themselves at potential, no mater how tiny, in order to appease men.

Bingo.

SweetAsSpice · 03/12/2019 14:08

YANBU.

Your body, your choice.

It should be as simple as that.

One thing - I had DS via EMCS at an all female led hospital. But, he came on Christmas Day, where I had a male surgeon who was ‘cover.’

So just be prepared. It’s unlikely, but it happens.

DerbyshireGirly · 03/12/2019 14:10

I don't think this is unreasonable at all. I wouldn't want a male midwife either. I don't have any issue with male doctors, dentists, men carrying out really any other type of procedure but giving birth is uniquely female and you're at your most vulnerable. It's not because I think there would be any chance of being assaulted either. I'd just prefer a wholly female energy in the room (husband excepted).

cjpark · 03/12/2019 14:10

I had a male midwife for my last delivery. He was amazing - so lovely and calm and funny. I far preferred him than the female midwifes I'd had at my other births. Try not to stereotype ability by gender, though I guess ultimately its your wishes which hold gravitas.

woodchuck99 · 03/12/2019 14:11

Assault is a vile thing, but it's a sad state of affairs if women have to live in fear (as opposed to being cautious) and feel they can only ever (reluctantly) interact with men if they have absolutely no choice in the matter. Just treating all men as they would lions and staying well away from them at all times.

I certainly don't live in fear but I am more cautious as a result of being sexually assaulted by a male HCP and why shouldn't I be? Even if you haven't been assaulted you have got to be pretty naïve to not realise that there is a greater chance if they are male versus female.

Vulpine · 03/12/2019 14:11

How come male nurses dont give smear tests

dontalltalkatonce · 03/12/2019 14:12

Sex is not gender!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 03/12/2019 14:13

Try not to stereotype ability by gender If you can’t be arsed reading the whole thread, then at least try reading the OP’s posts.

Bumpitybumper · 03/12/2019 14:13

I find it really bizarre on threads like these that so many posters write "I don't mind having a male HCP so YABU" or "my male midwife was amazing and I felt really relaxed so YABU". OP isn't suggesting that women should be prevented from having male midwives if that's what they prefer or they don't mind either way, she is simply stating that she wants a same sex midwife and would like that preference upheld.

easyandy101 · 03/12/2019 14:13

She said she had a very bad childhood experience with a male dentist, why are people asking her to examine her motives?

woodchuck99 · 03/12/2019 14:13

How come male nurses dont give smear tests

Yes GP practices rarely have male nurses or GPs before me intimate examinations because they know that it makes many women uncomfortable and many will refuse. For some reason, it's not okay to ask for a woman if you are going through childbirth.