Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

This thread is bonkers

No - it is beyond bonkers

@crimsonlake

"I am shocked how based on CMS calculations he is paying £1300 a month on a teachers salary? This does not add up?"
OP has already said that this money is being taken from her fiance's savings. It is over and above what he would be required to pay by CMS based on his current earnings.

I've just been to SIL's second wedding, all bells and whistles, that the bride and groom categorically cannot afford; but it made them (her!) happy so who am I to judge (as long as they don't come to DH to pay for it all which is sadly likely). So i know what it's like to see someone splurging and think, you could have put that to better use. It's up to you how you spend your money but if it was me, I'd spend less on the wedding (if you even have to make that choice, which you prob don't) and make sure stepD can go on her ski trips etc as these really are great life experiences and she'll be so grateful. If she knows that you as a couple can afford to help her, but choose not to support her, she'll have people telling her to resent you, even if she's nice enough to see things from your POV.

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory

"For CM, income above £156k pa is ignored."

"How nice for those poor rich men. (It’s always men) They really need that break. hmm"
Clearly it isn't always men. Women also earn that kind of money. It's just that often the men don't get to live with their kids with their exW's having their DC one evening per week and every other weekend. That is why it is generally men paying CM.

From threads I've read I am guessing women would generally prefer that situation rather than have 50/50 (and no maintenance) and pay for their share of bringing up their own DC.

His PAYE salary might be £25K, what about other income? No savings that generate interest at all? No investments?
If DSD decides that she wants to live with you now (or simply has to, say her mother is unable to look after her for whatever reason) would you cap the spending on her proportionally to what her father earns?

He’s paying above the £25k amount so investment income might already be covered.

Lots of posters are concerned that this definitely real child will blame or punish her father for changing her lifestyle at this point, and that the OP should pay c.£84k a year for goodwill.

But:

She is the only heir, it seems, to both parents, and perhaps her stepmother too.
Her mother owns a property in London.
And it seems that her father can't spend all his wealth before he dies of the heart attack that posters predict will happen during the NQT period - presumably as punishment for underestimating the stresses of public sector professionals.

In financial terms, she has won the birth lottery.

Time to divest from this instructive thread!

So we have 2 hedge fund managers.

One who us computer illiterate.

One who didnt know how to invest his money to give him a large ncome, should something happen to his job?

Because he hasnt got a income. OP says in her op, they will be living on hers.

And it seems that her father can't spend all his wealth before he dies of the heart attack

He doesnt have wealth apparantly. That's why they looked at her wage before deciding he should quit.

How he has ended up with little or no wealth and just a bit put by in saving, I dont get.

Yes, Mrs, and also his child is the result of a fling, the real ex is some random in the nebulous past.

"How he has ended up with little or no wealth and just a bit put by in saving, I dont get."

Because he's used most of it up on buying mortgage-free mansions for his fling and their daughter, also for his ex-wife, presumably, maybe one each for his not so well off parents and siblings, and now for himself and the OP, as well as the hundred grand a year he was giving his fling and he then spent the rest on the life-style to which he and the OP have become accustomed?

Let’s look at a different scenario, from the one kicking op and her dp down.... wealthy financier meets waitress when having a meal out. Waitress is all over him. His ego is boosted and he asks her out. Waitress is from a poor background and sees him as a way out of her current lifestyle. She sleeps with him hoping to get pregnant, so takes no precautions. After a couple of weeks he realises that she is just a money grabbing bitch, so calls relationship off.

As luck would have it her prayers materialise and she is pregnant (presumably with his baby?). She then insists on keeping baby (as is her right). Wealthy financier then does the decent thing and agrees to support his child. He buys them a nice house and not only agrees to support his child but also the mother, so she can be a sham and look towards improving her position by either returning to education or setting up a business so she can learn to support herself. She decides to do nothing and just live off the extortionate amount of money (way more than she is entitled to in CM). She starts to live the life of luxury this money allows her to do, rather than saving any in case the money tree dries up. After all she needs to ensure that she looks the part of a wealthy mother.

Fast forward 12 years or so, she has got used to life of luxury and spending whatever she wants! Her ex meets someone he loves, not a problem, he still pays 100k in CM. Ex has a heart attack, but (perhaps unfortunately in her eyes) survives. His new dp (op) loves him and doesn’t want him to risk his health. Op and him discuss how to alleviate his stress so he is not as much at risk of another heart attack. They decide that he can retrain as a teacher, which he has always wanted.

He discusses with his ex that he will no longer have the money to pay for as much CM, but will continue to pay it for another year to allow her to make any necessary adjustments, then it will significantly drop, but will still be far more than he has to pay.

He also discusses with his daughter that he has put money aside (which he has been doing since she was born, according to op) to completely finance her through university. She doesn’t need to worry about university fees or living expenses, that is all covered.

Ex sees that the money she got, to finance her lifestyle, is drying up. She starts to complain to anyone who knows ex and his dp, that their dc will have to live in poverty (in comparison to current lifestyle) because wicked witch op won’t support her to continue the life of luxury, hoping that op will be vilified and guilt tripped into paying the current amount of CM.

This is just as much likely a scenario as any of the other ones discussed on here, plus OP already helps out with some extra payments if they are needed

Did dp’s ex really think that the money she got was going to continue forever? That when her dd left home she would be paid to continue her lifestyle? If she did she is an idiot! Anyone with half a brain would have been putting money away for when this happened. The ex has been given a nice house, has received well in excess of £1 MILLION. Not bad for a 2 week fling!!

*not sham but sahm (though maybe I was right first time).

Yes cuteypye that sounds exactly like the story wealthy financier would tell his new partner. Completely omitting the part where he also failed to use contraception.

But none of this has come to light because the ex has confronted the DP about this... it's only because of a comment made by a friend (who somehow knows the ex after the 2 week fling). The OP hasn't mentioned anything about the ex's reaction to it at all!

Yes that’s what I don’t get it’s either his best friend and wife see it (she is the one who said) or the ex has been talking about it to the wife which doesn’t tally with the whole gold digger waitress either as why would his best friend wife be friends with the ex of a 2-3 week fling

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory.... it is just as likely as the crap you have made up in your posts! Or do you have inside information about this, after all you “get the impression 😉 OP and her DP brag about money a lot”

Or are you the EX, as you do seem to be over invested in this thread?

do people realise how idiotic they sound when they start accusing anyone who disagrees with them of being the subject of the story?

Cuteypye
All can happen, and I know people who are supporting children from a very short-term casual relationships - but in these scenarios the mother of the child is not usually embedded in the father's friendship circle to an extent that there are common friends who are aware of her money matters.
It is not very likely that a waitress baby mama (in your scenario) or a dumb bimbo who frittered £100K pa away with none of it spent on training or education (OP's scenario), is spending time with the OP's and her H's best friend - as charity and education are clearly appreciated in their circles, given the career change.

I think part of the difficulty here is that you count you and fiancé as a family unit and will share earnings. But DSD doesn’t count as part of your family so her maintenance has been reduced.

Your fiancé doesn’t have to give up anything, he can go on ski trips and enjoy this lavish wedding, thanks to your support. But there will be no more ski trips for DSD because he is earning less.

It’s not fair to expect you to pay for her lavish lifestyle, but it’s a bit harsh that she’s the only one losing out as a result of her dad’s choices.

£1,300 a month is hardly nothing, especially with no mortgage or school fees to pay. Surely the ex should be working to support herself and their child? They both should be paying her expenses. Especially as the ex got sizeable amounts of money in the past, realistically this wouldn't have gone on forever with the child growing up, going to university, her dad wanting to give her money directly etc

I was in a similar situation to this when my parents split up and my dad leaving his relatively well paying job due to mental health. Yeah there wasn't as much money around and less treats for me but that was the way it was. So what if the step-daughter couldn't go on a skiing trip, this isn't an essential and is actually an indulgence. You don't always get what you want, it's an unpleasant life lesson but a reality

Personally l think you should have the wedding you want. Why should pay for a child that isn't yours and didn't decide to have. There appears to be a lot of transference here about your alleged dislike of her, personally l haven't seen you say you dislike her etc. I’m also confused about the digs about your “lavish lifestyle” which again l don’t remember you mentioning

Bit confused why "friend" decided to stick her nose in, it's not really any of her business

The poor old hedge fund manager should have put on condom on then shouldn’t he if he didn’t want to knock up the conniving, feckless waitress.

I don’t believe for one minute this guy is going from his extraordinary salary to one of only £25k a year .... even without the OPs own salary. Not a minute of it. And even if you believe teaching is not stressful occupation would you not consider remaining in the industry in a different role ( as a consultant perhaps) and working to create opportunities for disadvantaged youth through mentoring schemes or scholarships as a more effective use of his talents? There’s something pretty gross about someone rubbing shoulders with some of the poorest kids in the country - kids with no advantages and then going home to his extremely comfortable life. The kids aren’t going to thank him they’re going to think he’s a mug. Is he going to be in the Caribbean at Christmas and Switzerland in half term while the school tries to put books in a library? I suspect this is a pipe dream based on too much “ Good Will Hunting” or “ Dead poets society” and the first time he has to deal with a fight in his classroom or some 6 ft lad squaring up to him he’s going to find out the realities of his choices.

Because he's used most of it up on buying mortgage-free mansions for his fling and their daughter, also for his ex-wife, presumably, maybe one each for his not so well off parents and siblings, and now for himself and the OP, as well as the hundred grand a year he was giving his fling and he then spent the rest on the life-style to which he and the OP have become accustomed?

OP wont comment on wether he has other kids. So presuming, he is spending sometimes on an ex wife, more than the child mentioned seems a bit odd.

The ex wife xpild have been married to him for 2 weeks before separation and for nothing. Or she could have been married a long time and gor what she is entitled to.

He works in finance. He knew what marriage meant. He isnt stupid with money. Yet he disnt think about setting his daughter up, just threw money at the mother presuming she would. Neither the dp or the mother of his child thought about how they could ensure she is financially comfortable in later life? He is the one that works in finance, it doesn't add up.

As a hedge fund manager, he manages wealth. I dont believe for a minute that in the last years, he hasn't thought about how he can protect his own money, for the future and all his money goes to ex wives and children he has had.

And If it does? What the fuck is the OP thinking? A trail of people he has to pay most of his wages to? No wonder he wanted to quite and earn less.

If he didnt want kids, with someone outside a serious relationship, he should have not been out having flings. Pregnancy is a common consequence of having sex. These are choices, he made.

Absolute bollocks that this man who earns a fortune in finance, did nor know a way to protect his own income, outgoing and plan.

That actually makes him sound worse.