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Original poster

Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

825 replies

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:14

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP posts:
ArgumentativeAardvaark · 02/12/2019 15:45

PMSL laughing at the idea that the Mum will no longer be able to pay for DD’s skiing holidays when she has been pocketing 100k a year for 10 years with no mortgage or school fees to pay. How much do people think ski holidays cost? Yes, pricier than a weekend in Scarborough but (unless Mum has a MASSIVE coke habit) there will be more than enough cash to stretch to one trip to Verbier for the next 8 years!

Also, unless OP’s “dream wedding” involves flying 100 guests to Necker Island for a week , the overall cost is going to be a drop in the ocean set against her “high six figures” income, and completely irrelevant to the Mum and child’s future income. I can’t believe that this friend would even have linked the two.

crispysausagerolls · 02/12/2019 15:55

MNHQ - is this thread legit?

User24689 · 02/12/2019 15:57

Sorry to be nosy but what was your partner's previous job?

I have jacked teaching in as it was making me unwell with stress, just concerned he's swapping a lucrative stressful job for a stressful job that pays beans.

Fair enough if he was a brain surgeon or CEO of a global corporation or something 😆

fedup21 · 02/12/2019 15:59

Has the OP actually said what jobs they did/do to earn that salary or are people just guessing with the hedge fund/city broker ideas?

Divebar · 02/12/2019 16:02

Has the OP actually said what jobs they did/do to earn that salary or are people just guessing with the hedge fund/city broker ideas

Fedup she said that’s what they both did.

VaggieMight · 02/12/2019 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lizzie0869 · 02/12/2019 16:10

If he was suffering from stress, why would he think that it was a good idea to train as a teacher? That can be very stressful indeed. You only need to read the threads on here from entitled parents to work that out.

crispysausagerolls · 02/12/2019 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lizzie0869 · 02/12/2019 16:19

I've reported the thread, so hopefully MNHQ will comment about it.

Derbee · 02/12/2019 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lizzie0869 · 02/12/2019 17:06

I've had this reply from MNHQ. There's both to suggest the OP is a troll. Which presumably means that she's a long-term user who name changed for this thread.

The truth can be stranger than fiction sometimes.

Thanks for getting back to us.

We understand the concern - but we've had a look and we can't see that the OP's a troll at this point!

If you have any other doubts at all, please do let us know. We always appreciate it.

Best wishes,

Gloria
MNHQ

IHateBlueLights · 02/12/2019 17:10

So if all the troll hunters would fuck off then that would be grand.

Lizzie0869 · 02/12/2019 17:17

I meant 'nothing' not 'both'. Wretched predictive text once again! Blush

I personally don't get why posters come on here to suggest a thread is fake. I can only think that it makes them feel superior. Hmm

Schuyler · 02/12/2019 17:23

I see both sides. Continuing to live a super lavish lifestyle while your child will experience a massive change would definitely sting. A fancy wedding might seem like rubbing it in her face.

My dad was a very high earner and paid over the minimum in child maintenance. When he met my step mum, he decided to cut it down. She is a wealthy woman and we watched him (and her) suddenly go on amazing holidays while we struggled a bit. It wasn’t anywhere near this but I remember having to suddenly stop an after school activity. It wasn’t a necessity or a terrible thing but it was noticed, I was about 15/16. That said, my step mum was entitled to her own money and to do enjoy things. I never expected her to pay her money towards us but judged him for deciding to change our lives whilst simultaneously improving his.

For me, it’s not the change in maintenance as much as the drop in maintenance followed by a lavish display of extravagance.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 02/12/2019 17:39

Well if we’re taking what OPs saying as legit (from her perspective) then either her DP had pulled a huge big smelly fast one on the OP (not possible- she will know he’ll have savings and investments all over the show) or OP is being disingenuous when she says his teaching income is all he has and that she is supporting him.

He has other money. And plenty of it.

I suspect what has happened is the man has used his career change as a chance to reduce the hefty child maintenance payments. Probably suggested, or at very least encouraged, by OP. When the reality is he could have maintained a much higher maintenance if he wanted to. He doesn’t. His choice. Sucks for the DD.

PrincessPain · 02/12/2019 17:44

Also teaching may be stressful but at least he considers it worthwhile and meaningful, this makes a big difference to what we can tolerate

I may be being shallow or materialistic, but I think I could tolerate stress for nearly one million pound a year more than I could for a meaningful job 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aridane · 02/12/2019 18:29

There’s something pretty gross about someone rubbing shoulders with some of the poorest kids in the country - kids with no advantages and then going home to his extremely comfortable life

Ah yes - only the poor can teach the poor

Onesnowballshort · 02/12/2019 18:55

Also teaching may be stressful but at least he considers it worthwhile and meaningful, this makes a big difference to what we can tolerate
You're so right Jiggles all those teachers leaving due to stress just didn't find the job worthwhile or meaningful Hmm

Cuteypye · 02/12/2019 18:56

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory why are you continually demonising the op and her dp? None of us know the exact situation here, yet you seem to think you know everything about this thread? Unless you are involved in this in RL you are in the same situation as anyone else on here, yet you come across as over involved. Perhaps you are an ex and have been at the wrong end of a split up? If so and this has affected you so much perhaps you need help or counselling to so you can get over whatever is making you such a bitter twisted person who has to continually vent such poisonous venom!!

MarshaBradyo · 02/12/2019 18:59

Tbf I do know a fair few teachers that get a lot out of their work. Granted not everyone.

Bluerussian · 02/12/2019 19:15

PrincessPain: I may be being shallow or materialistic, but I think I could tolerate stress for nearly one million pound a year more than I could for a meaningful job.
.............

Not if you were likely to end up dead as a result!

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 02/12/2019 19:17

Grin cuteypye. It is indeed cute.

Divebar · 02/12/2019 19:41

Ah yes - only the poor can teach the poor

Oh I should have anticipated that comment Hmm. There’s a big difference between “ poor” and “ stinking rich “.... I think I know where I would put the OPs partner ( and the OP let’s face it ). And as a mere public sector worker myself who has come into contact with a lot of children living in absolute grinding poverty I know how tough they have it. I don’t think I’ve ever met a millionaire teacher before but if he can handle the cognitive dissonance then well done him.

MarshaBradyo · 02/12/2019 19:44

I’m sure there’s a few teachers with very high earning partners though. Does that count as the same thing as earning it yourself (previously)

Onesnowballshort · 02/12/2019 19:49

Marsha you're missing the point. The teachers who find it stressful are not different to the ones who "get a lot out of it". There is a reluctance to leave teaching until it becomes unbearable precisely because it isn't just a job to most of them and they do think it is worthwhile and rewarding.

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