Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

Ski trips V Dead Father

& you lot are still thinking the OP is BU

You might want to think about not projecting your own bitterness at exes who don't pay for the kids & taking it out on the OP

YADNBU & DPs friends wife is an interfering busy body, tell her to but her fat nose out

Sure maybe. I’m not a teacher but that worthwhile and rewarding part might be what someone is missing. I do know some without the negative side, they are fortunate I agree.

Plenty of children who are in schools here could afford to go private. However, they chose state because it's something that they believe in and want to support

Agreed. And it’s even a bit more selfish than that. In our case I grew up working class but can now easily afford private schools for my children but we send them to state schools as people come more well rounded and in the real world in my opinion. The privately educated people and kids I know are mostly ghastly middle class snobs with a real stick up their behinds.

It's not a case of Ski trips vs dead father.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

You are allowed to spend your money as you wish.
Your fiance's friends are allowed to think ill of you both for it.
The only surprise here is that you are surprised.

Dear me this is disgusting

You and your fiance have colluded to deprive his child of money because you regard it as paying his ex. Really, shame on you OP.

busybarbara

Did you learn how to be so bigoted and offensive at state school?! Well done for you 😁

Please everyone don’t waste any more time on any of this. No HF manager would leave work with only “savings” fgs. The £25k or whatever is the teaching salary would be a good day on the stock market or a reasonable return on the other portfolio investments he would have been making over the years.

You don’t make millions out of advising others how to maximise the returns from their assets without doing the same yourself!

As if he would have just been bunging this woman £100k per year . He would have a trust fund for the DD instead; independent school fees and there is no way an ex HF manager would be fussing about a ski trip fgs! How many ski trips / other similar trips do they do in state schools? I doubt these are every term.

He would certainly have property and income from that going forward. He would have money offshore and working in the most tax efficient way imaginable.

This whole scenario is utter nonsense.

Well said @cosima1 pipe dreams and drama from the op by the looks of it

The only reason I’m giving it the benefit of doubt is because last year someone posted similar. A lot of the details from this one match up with what I recall from the previous threads.
It was around the time he was in hospital.

That doesnt make it true. Plenty of people have posted several times about their story, then banned for trolling.

As pp said, he has either pulled a blinder on OP. Or he now has enough assets, investments etc that he doesnt need to work to maintain a good life time but is using the low income bit to reduce what he pays to his ex. On his wages paying for university is the least he could do.for the dd.

Surely most parents earning over a million pound every 2 years would be saving for their kids futures as well. Trust funds, putting money in their name to legally avoid tax etc.

This man would know every trick in the book to maximise his income and make it efficient.

Or op is talking bollocks. A hedge fund manager would know what to do. But then again a hedge fund manager would also know how to use a computer.

Lots of people on here don’t know how to use the functions of the site.
There may be trust funds etc involved. No one has to disclose their financial set ups with anyone.
MN have also looked behind the scenes and not pulled the thread.

Not knowing how to use the functions of a particular site isnt computer illiterate.

Who said she had to share the details? She shared the set up in her op, and I believe its doubtful that it's the whole story. If you want opinions on something you need ro give the relevant information. No one forced her to post. Do you really believe a man who left an 800k (or there abouts) job, managing wealth, walked away with since savings, only?

Mn always pointed out they cant vouch 100% for any poster. They make it clear that while they cant see anything that would mean it needs to be deleted they cant say 100%.

@cosima1

You are so, so correct!

I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so.
This says everything about you

I feel sorry for his daughter & his ex partner actually. His decision to significantly reduce his salary impacts his child and therefore I think her mother should have been consulted to some degree!

His decision to significantly reduce his salary impacts his child and therefore I think her mother should have been consulted to some degree!

The mother was given a year's notice.
Prior to that, she had (iirc correctly, from seeing other posts) £100k A YEAR in maintenance for a 10 year period.
Following the year's notice, she receives £1300 a month.

Tell me again how pitifully financially short the mother & daughter are?

Tell me again how pitifully financially short the mother & daughter are?

No one is saying that.

They’re pointing out that his lifestyle hasn’t changed a jot whereas his child’s will worsen.

If it were true, which seems unlikely.

Jeez the OP hasn’t been back for a long tome

Time

They’re pointing out that his lifestyle hasn’t changed a jot whereas his child’s will worsen.

Yeah, only on mumsnet is a very wealthy family keened over because they will be less well off. The reduced maintenance payment alone is more than many households earn round my way - let alone any savings the mother will have made from her cool million over 10 years, & any work she might be doing herself.

But ... as you say ... if this is even real.

Also ... if it's real ... the OP's partner's lifestyle has surely changed significantly given his heart attack. Despite that, he still gave a year's notice of the eye-watering sum ceasing, & is still paying a whacking great monthly sum.

The fact that he is now marrying a wealthy woman has nothing to do with his ex. If the ex wants more money, she can go & earn some.

Following the year's notice, she receives £1300 a month.

I suppose a year is considered plenty long enough to relocate to a place where rents are cheap enough she can raise her family on 1300 a month.

Apparently she has a mortgage free house so it doesn’t need to include rent.

She owns their house outright.