Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP I presume he has a pretty tidy pension?

Oh and I agree that all the drip feeding that’s gone on has painted him in a worse light rather than a better one.

Now obviously this fictional child is not financially wanting, but her lifestyle should match her father’s. What kind of arsehole would swan off on all the ski holidays he’s denied his child?

I agree that in this scenario the lifestyles should match in some respects (skiing holidays, private school if the child was attending private schools etc).

But at what point does it stop? The child in this scenario has a secure mortgage free home and £1300 CM contribution to her upkeep. Presumably she also accompanies her father on holidays in his contact time and he also buys her what she needs.

I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to pay the child’s mum £8k pa or even £4K pa and more practical to save money to buy the child house/car/uni fees.

I'm sorry @Jpw74 but the whole story is absolute nonsense. You have only shared tiny bit of information and it doesn't add up at all and I have no idea what you are aiming for here?

The OP has stated the £100k or annum wasn't for the child. It was also to help her mother finish her education and better herself so it isn't as if the child is missing out on £8.5k per month.

OP, it isn't even your moral responsibility to pay for your DP's child. Ignore your partner's best friend's wife's comments. It is none of her business.

You say your partner's ex is unhappy about this and must be telling friends. I would suggest you ask DP to suggest she talks to him about it if she isn't happy.

Did you say whether she works? Does she realise she is supposed to contribute towards looking after her child too? It isn't purely down to the father to pay for a child's upbringing.

If you want to marry your partner in a big wedding then go ahead and do not feel guilty for doing so. Ignore the bitchiness on here where posters have said it is tacky for 40 somethings to have a big wedding. It isn't.

Enjoy your relationship, your wedding and your money.

The only way the dcs lifestyle can match the h’s is if the op makes up the difference. It’s not her responsibility. If she wants to help with a one off for the ski trip up to her, but it shouldn’t be expected.

I feel we've had a variations of this before?

Sorry - there have been variations (multiple!)

Holier than the pope.

The only way the dcs lifestyle can match the h’s is if the op makes up the difference. It’s not her responsibility

What a shitty system though, whereby the partner is totally taken care of, yet his child is just collateral damage.

The bit about DH not sending dd to private school because he wants to support state schools did make me laugh

I see what you’re saying Laurie but the only solution is the op’s wage, I just can’t see how it can be the solution.

On the plus side the h is overpaying now on £25k possibly in part to the op’s high earnings and also previous earnings.

Also that earlier amount could have helped the ex to earn more in the interim. Which would help balance in some way (probably not as high but op doesn’t say what the ex w is earning)

I bet every one of his old friends/their partners will be thinking the same if you're having a lavish wedding and he's drastically cut what CM his daughter gets. It speaks volumes about your priorities that you'd go for a Dream Wedding while downgrading the lifestyle his daughter had so drastically.

I'm laughing that he's given up one highly stressful job to become a teacher. Teachers are leaving in their thousands. Largely stress based.

I bet everyone of his -fictitious- friends will be wondering why he's been dishing out £100k a year to a fling rather than using his industry knowledge to save for his daughter.... thus avoiding this -fictitious- scenario he know faces himself in.

@SympatheticSwan
I am just giving an alternative scenario, given the previous posts demonising the op. I am going on the information given by the op, as I do feel that she has been unfairly portrayed in this scenario.

I do agree that “the mother of the child is not usually embedded in the father's friendship circle to an extent that there are common friends who are aware of her money matters”. However without knowing these people personally none of actually really know what is going on.

However when you say that “It is not very likely that a waitress baby mama (in your scenario)” is “spending time with the OP's and her H's best friend - as charity and education are clearly appreciated in their circles, given the career change.” the OP has clearly said that this ex of her dp had “never finished her schooling, came from a broken home, was working several hospitality related jobs to make ends meet.” Op also says about her dp that she thought that “at the time as he saw the totality of her situation he made the judgement call that it was in the best interest of their child to make her self sufficient and create a more stable household.”

We can only comment on the information supplied and I think we should take the op at face value when she has posted looking for advice. If what she says is accurate I think her dp should be applauded for everything he has done for his dd and her mother!

The bit about DH not sending dd to private school because he wants to support state schools did make me laugh

Really? How so? It’s quite a common opinion where I live? Most people support the public school system unless there is a very good reason not to. In fact, I know many people that want to see private schools abolished altogether, and the government funding redirected to state education. What is wrong with sending your kids to state school?

Clearly it must be very different in the UK.

first rate thread, this.

The problem here is the decision to have an OTT and tacky wedding. Your DP tells his ex that he can no longer help fund school skiing trips, but suddenly the two of you are spending a fortune on a having the wedding of the year.

Surely you could put some money toward skiing trips for his DD and spend a little less on this ridiculously extravagant wedding? You have enough money for both after all.

I still dont see how the op has any responsibility.

For the past 10 years mum has been getting 100k a year and all extra paid for. No rent/mortgage to pay. No school fees.
A part of the money was to give the mum a chance to improve herself. We don't know if she did because none of this has come from her, it's come from a friend.

The mum must have realised over time that the money will stop and made plans. If not this is her issue and she should have been making arrangements to maintain the lifestyle in which she and the dd have grown accustomed to. Even if he didn't give up his job, die or retire early, the money would stop entirely in 8 years. He's made a plan in regards to his dd's uni education and beyond, I seriously doubt that he's dipping into that money now or indeed within the next 8 years. Mum should have been doing the same and hopefully has.

The op has stated that the mum has been out of work. Depending on how the 100k a year was set-up she might have also been getting full benefits. And surely someone working in finance would have set such a legal arrangement up.

The bit about DH not sending dd to private school because he wants to support state schools did make me laugh

Nothing to laugh at here. Plenty of children who are in schools here could afford to go private. However, they chose state because it's something that they believe in and want to support, some even after their children have left.

I also know some parents that have made loads of sacrifices to be able to send their children to private schools.

*parents could afford.
Don't know if the children could afford it directly, as you never know lol.

You are allowed to spend what you want on your wedding doesn't matter if it's first or fourth.....
All those saying tacky, ott etc are just bitches and are projecting their own issues ignore them all.
Your husband to be has change professions due to ill health, by paying £1300 a month still he is paying at least five times the cms legal amount for a base level teaching job.

It sounds like this child's mother has had a gravy train for a long time and had over a year warning of change. Neither she or her daughter would be getting anything if he was dead and no one is entitled to anything just to keep a lifestyle..... how fucking entitled is that.

You are allowed to choose to enhance your step child's life or not but her mother is also 50% responsible and given the father had ensured no rent/ mortgage she sounds in a much better position than most people.

Your step child will resent you if you and him push the lifestyle difference in their face. If your husband to be wants to contribute more he needs to ask you and it be a family choice.

"Can someone tell me how to reply directly to posters on the app (computer illiterate!)"

OPs own words yesterday @19.38 @TheMidasTouch

For the past 10 years mum has been getting 100k a year and all extra paid for. No rent/mortgage to pay. No school fees. A part of the money was to give the mum a chance to improve herself

Come on, you really can not believe this, can you ffswhatnext ? The DP is supposed to have given his dd's mother (who was apparently a mere fling), a million pounds over the last 10 years, plus the house, plus extras?

OP has given some fabulous additional pieces of information as the thread has progressed from the initial post