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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws don’t want to know gender

135 replies

excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 17:45

AIBU??? DH comes from a huge family with lots of grandchildren for his in laws so it’s not like ours is there first. They don’t want to know the gender of our baby until they are here and they are really aggressive and adamant about it. I’ve explained that if i slip up it’s not my problem and if they come over I’m not moving anything that would give it away! So MIL said i better move things before she comes over so she doesn’t see anything! Are you kidding me? I feel like they are making it all about them when it’s really, really not. They don’t bother with DH a lot so don’t know why they are SO obsessed. Maybe it’s hormones but we have waited a very very long time for this and we’re so excited, i don’t want to have to keep my mouth shut over Christmas just for them!

OP posts:
Dementedmagpie · 01/12/2019 19:37

My MIL was adamant she wanted my 2nd DC to be a boy and kept saying she wanted us to have a boy (as if there was a lot we could do to influence gender) They had several gc already and a mixture of boys and girls. Our local hospital policy was not to comment on gender so we didnt know. In the end after the millionth comment , I actually wanted to have a girl just to shut her up! (It was a boy)

StarClaws · 01/12/2019 19:38

Fucking hell god forbid i say gender or want to buy blue for a boy or pink for a girl

So, are the clothes going to be laid out around the house or what? Seems a bit weird.

TooLittleTooLate80 · 01/12/2019 19:39

Start referring to your baby by names that can apply to either sex (Alexis, Ashley, Charlie, Jordan etc)...

Original poster
excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 19:42

Yes obviously of course i have all the babies stuff placed neatly around the house so everyone can see. Christ, i mean if they go upstairs and see into the nursery or something. You all must have perfect homes with absolutely nothing where it shouldn’t be!!!

OP posts:
StarClaws · 01/12/2019 19:44

You seem stressed OP. That's probably affecting your reaction to your in-laws. Just humour them, don't move things at home, and if they find out, they find out. Yes, they're being a bit weird and annoying about it, but no need to make a huge deal of it.

ActualFemale · 01/12/2019 19:46

I had the opposite problem, i didn't want to know the sex of my baby but woman made a blip and Let it slip, I had a lot of pressure from mil and dhs aunt who said they needed to know the sex so they can buy a gift.

I come from a very sexist family and I didn't want my dd to have the same gender roles shoved on her just because she was born with a vagina and that's exactly what some of our family were planning to do, dd is 15 now and they still do it now and they get angry with Dd for not confirming to gender stereotypes which means she doesn't have a great relationship with them.

I bought a blue pram knowing I was having a girl and mil was raging that I'd put a female in a blue pram. I wasn't against pink and I wasn't against dresses, I just didn't want only pink, and only dresses so proceed a mixture of stuff and let her choose herself as she grew up.

plightofthealbatross · 01/12/2019 19:46

"It's not about you."

That's really what it boils down to and what you need to tell them.

Hazardexhausted · 01/12/2019 19:48

Think your being a smidge harsh but your being a smidge harsh because you've tried for so long and now it's finally happening. If in-laws want their own tiny bit of excitement about wanting a surprise is that so bad, it's Christmas soon generosity of spirit and all that.

Be honest and say not telling them is annoying but you'll do your best to keep it a secret from them.

If it slips after that then oh well never mind.

Curious2468 · 01/12/2019 19:52

they are being ridiculous. I wouldn’t tiptoe round this one, I wouldn’t think to ask permission to share and I would entertain being told I couldn’t. If you don’t slip someone else will anyway.

YouSawThePlans · 01/12/2019 19:54

I know so many people who were told the wrong sex, that I wouldn't be rushing out to buy coloured items anyway.

For me, this seems an odd issue to get overly incensed about on either side.

Curious2468 · 01/12/2019 19:59

It’s really sad how many people think there will be nothing left to be excited about when the baby is born. Surely the exciting thing is the brand new life that’s just come in to the world? Not it’s genitals or what time it was born, weight etc

Original poster
excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 20:00

I think the reason I’m so bothered by it is because of my MILs aggression to the situation, it’s made me quite angry as you can probably tell. She was literally screaming at me and DH about it, she can’t just sit and enjoy it with us she has to make it about them screaming in our faces. Tbh it wouldn’t it usually bothered me. Probably a mix of her being aggressive and being hormonal!

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/12/2019 20:00

Yep, I know someone who was told they were having a girl. Got rid of all their son’s clothes, redecorated the nursery in pink, bought lots of girly clothes etc.

You’ve guessed it; they had a boy and were extremely pissed off. And now I think about it, basically the kid was the family scapegoat from birth.

Personally I didn’t want to know. But people want more immediate gratification nowadays.

saraclara · 01/12/2019 20:01

I didn't get the need to know the sex either, but my DD and SIL wanted to know and that's fine.
I can't imagine how they could have kept it a secret from me. Their friends and other family knew, I went shopping with my daughter (who prefers neutral colours, but even so, you shop for the baby she's going to be.)

And more fundamentally, for the second half of the pregnancy, people referred to the baby as she! How can you not when you know the sex? It would be weird and almost impossible for people in the know to stick to 'it' in front of one refusenik!

lotsofstripes · 01/12/2019 20:03

DH’s parents wanted this so we didn’t tell them but like you I said I couldn’t help it if I slipped up. Eventually they just ended up knowing IIRC because people started buying us loads of blue stuff

titnomatani · 01/12/2019 20:04

SEX, NOT GENDER Hmm

saraclara · 01/12/2019 20:04

she was literally screaming at me and DH about it

"MIL, I will not have you screaming at us about a decision that is our own to make. This should be a joyful period for us all, and I'm not prepared to stand here and be screamed at"

Original poster
excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 20:05

After the first comment saying sex not gender i got the memo. If you could edit threads i would, chill

OP posts:
IwouldntmarryHeathcliffe · 01/12/2019 20:11

Screaming in your face?

Whatisthisfuckery · 01/12/2019 20:11

This is pathetic. Why would the sex of a baby dictate what colour clothing and accessories you bought for it?That’s just imposing harmful gendered stereotypes on a child before it’s even born. It’s no bloody wonder kids are getting confused nowadays if they don’t happen to like the right colours or activities their stupid parents have foisted on them since they were in utero.

Personally I wouldn’t tell the GPs if they didn’t want to know, and I’m not someone who’d be obsessing over pink or blue bollocks so they wouldn’t guess that way either. What does it matter if they don’t want to know the sex of the baby? As long as they love it who cares?

Here’s a novel idea, instead of giving your baby pink this or blue that depending on their sex, why don’t you give them a range of colours and pictures and activities so they can decide themselves what they like? If your child doesn’t happen to be a stereotypical boy or girl then they won’t thank you for all the pink and blue shit. You’ll probably confuse them and they’ll grow up confused and miserable, then they’ll resent you for it. I know this because this is what my parents did to me and I hated it. It ruined my childhood and my MH.

Lweji · 01/12/2019 20:13

The question is: ...or what?

What happens if they discover the baby's sex? Ask her, if it ever comes up again.

OTOH, maybe she was angry because you kept saying gender instead of sex? WinkGrin

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 01/12/2019 20:13

I can say every time Iv been pregnant there’s been a chance of seeing a baby related item in my home. Maybe shopping items I haven’t put away yet, second hand clothes Iv either washed or waiting to iron. Maybe the pushchair as we kept ours in the dining room because there’s space there. I couldn’t be arsed trying to hide every single little thing that brought me some joy because someone decided they’d rather not know what my child was.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 01/12/2019 20:16

Thank God you mentioned the difference between sec and gender Lweji. It was about time somebody brought it up.

BackforGood · 01/12/2019 20:19

No, @OnlyFoolsnMothers, I was simply answering the question asked : how can you not associate stuff with the gender of a baby, by explaining how generations of parents have done it.

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 01/12/2019 20:19

Nobody here had said only girls can wear pink and boys must wear blue it’s simply been said that there could be a item bought that is associated with that gender. Obviously nobody needs to dress their child in any colour, I’m personally not arsed if someone is all pinks, blues, whites or rainbows.