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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws don’t want to know gender

135 replies

excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 17:45

AIBU??? DH comes from a huge family with lots of grandchildren for his in laws so it’s not like ours is there first. They don’t want to know the gender of our baby until they are here and they are really aggressive and adamant about it. I’ve explained that if i slip up it’s not my problem and if they come over I’m not moving anything that would give it away! So MIL said i better move things before she comes over so she doesn’t see anything! Are you kidding me? I feel like they are making it all about them when it’s really, really not. They don’t bother with DH a lot so don’t know why they are SO obsessed. Maybe it’s hormones but we have waited a very very long time for this and we’re so excited, i don’t want to have to keep my mouth shut over Christmas just for them!

OP posts:
Original poster
excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 19:08

And of course i will have things over the house that give the gender away! Coloured items that we can associate with certain genders, personalised items such as blankets with names on or the way the nursery is decorated... how can you not associate stuff with the gender of a baby no matter how wrong people think that is!

OP posts:
damnthatanxiety · 01/12/2019 19:09

I would just 'accidentally' slip 'she' or 'he' in and then go OMG and slap your hands across your mouth in horror. Or not even react at all and when she complains, just look confused and say 'I didn't say that did I?' Once it is out, it is out and she can't try to keep a hold over you on this. TBH, once you know the gender, you form a whole person in your mind. It is no longer a 'baby'. It is your baby girl/boy. It is natural that you would use pronouns. It would be ridiculous to try not to.

Original poster
excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 19:10

I am absolutely not pussyfooting around her. I’m not going to tell her on purpose but if people ask i will tell them, if I’m having a conversation about my daughter or son i will say he or she, she will get over it I’m sure.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/12/2019 19:10

Friends mum tried this and another one of her children let it slip.... utterly precious and pointless

RachelEllenR · 01/12/2019 19:13

I didn't find out the genders before mine were born but my MIL was adamant she wouldn't want to know if we had found out but don't think that would have been possible. I think you're being perfectly reasonable, it's not her surprise to have!

Irisloulou · 01/12/2019 19:13

Fucking he’ll, I had this...
I tried to go along for the sake of peace, mil visited two days after my scan and apparently I referred to baby as “she”

Well yes, because she now had an identity.

If I could have my time again, I’d be a lot more forthright. “ no sorry I’m. Not watching what I say or how I decorate, this baby is mine and these are my decisions. ( smile, tinkly laugh)
If you don’t want to know, shall we see you in six months time?

I’ll save you the very long and boring story but we’re NC now, after years of crazy arguments about control.

They want control, don’t give it.

AllStarBySmashMouth · 01/12/2019 19:13

Just before Christmas eh? Give them a Christmas card that says "it's a __" and watch carnage ensue. At least then it's over.

girlanonymous · 01/12/2019 19:15

Just tell them not to come over

diddl · 01/12/2019 19:16

"And of course i will have things over the house that give the gender away! "

Like what though?

Won't stuff just be in the nursery out of the way?

I didn't want to know the sex of mine, but the policy at the hospital was not to tell anyway.

StarClaws · 01/12/2019 19:18

And of course i will have things over the house that give the gender away! Coloured items that we can associate with certain genders, personalised items such as blankets with names on or the way the nursery is decorated... how can you not associate stuff with the gender of a baby no matter how wrong people think that is!

I honestly don't think there was anything like that around our house for either of our kids. We didn't decorate DD1's room before she was born because she was going to sleep in our room for her first six months anyway. And when we did, it was neutral-coloured walls (who wants to paint a room pink? yuk!) and a safari theme. shrug

And all clothes and blankets, etc. were in the wardrobe. We didn't just have baby clothes laid out around the house because I was pregnant.

We didn't make a conscious effort to hide anything. I just don't think there's much around most peoples houses that would scream 'it's a boy/girl'.

AutumnRose1 · 01/12/2019 19:19

Blimey, they’re being arses

Tell them now that’s it’s non binary and that you’re very proud Grin

Jellybeansincognito · 01/12/2019 19:23

Simple. When you know just message her saying : just so you know, when it comes to my son/daughter- what we say gos.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 01/12/2019 19:23

TBH I disagree with pp - it's not being an arse to tell them if they are going to be banging on about not wanting to know for months and are already being unpleasant about it.
Get your DP to text them and tell them. And put it in the public domain/ on facebook

This is their problem. Don't make it yours.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 01/12/2019 19:25

I would just 'accidentally' slip 'she' or 'he' in and then go OMG and slap your hands across your mouth in horror.

I don’t think trying to ‘accidentally’ let it slip is going to be an issue. Once the OP and her DH are used to calling the baby he or she it will slip out.

TuttiCutie · 01/12/2019 19:26

Coloured items that we can associate with certain genders, personalised items such as blankets with names on

Fucking hell you've picked the name too. I predict it's going to be a long pregnancy.

I had a Facebook friend that did this - told everyone the the sex, name, the date they were booked in for the planned c-section - but then decided to keep the time their surgery was planned a 'secret'HmmGrin

Seriously, there was nothing left to tell when it was time for the actual birth announcement.

Marnie76 · 01/12/2019 19:27

The scan can’t tell you the gender just the sex

Original poster
excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 19:28

We haven’t chose names, i was just using that as an example! And so what if we have. It’s been a long journey of over 10+ years to get pregnant.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 01/12/2019 19:31

how can you not associate stuff with the gender of a baby

er.... maybe by not encouraging the ridiculous 'pink / blue' marketing Hmm

We didn't know the sex of any of our dc. All the things we had for babes were in white, yellows, a whole range of pastels and primary colours.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/12/2019 19:31

Careful OP, mnetters do not take kindly to anything gender specific- what a terribly person who buys a dress for a baby girl or a blue cuddly toy for a boy Wink

BackforGood · 01/12/2019 19:32

*babies

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/12/2019 19:32

the things we had for babes were in white, yellows, a whole range of pastels and primary colours what do you want a round of applause?! If your so neutral why not buy a mix of pink and blues for either sex!

rainbowlou · 01/12/2019 19:33

My mum was like this from the minute I told her I was pregnant, I didn’t find out but a couple of times spoke about the baby and used ‘he’ purely by accident.
My god the anger and sulking that I’d ruined the whole thing for her 🙄

Original poster
excitedforbaby9 · 01/12/2019 19:35

Fucking hell god forbid i say gender or want to buy blue for a boy or pink for a girl! All i wanted to know was if IWBU about my in laws. Didn’t want a lecture on everything else 😂

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2019 19:37

the things we had for babes were in white, yellows, a whole range of pastels and primary colours

Here, here's your Star and your Halo, you are just SO woke! We found out with all of ours and decorated in non-neutrals. BFD.

I'd honestly just tell her, we're not hiding or moving anything so if that doesn't suit you it's best you don't see our home until after the baby arrives.

CJsGoldfish · 01/12/2019 19:37

Meh.
You don't like them, that much is clear.

There were a few people who didn't wan't to know when I found out with my first. So I didn't tell them. It's really not hard.
If it slips, no big deal.

i can see many, many posts ahead for you OP

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