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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask parents for help?

113 replies

Nighowl · 01/12/2019 17:28

I am separating from my husband. Can’t afford to stay in the family home. With my cut from the equity ( 60/40 spilt) and what I can get mortgage wise I’m still 20-40k short of being able to buy in the same area. I need a three bed property - ds 10 dd8 and all I can afford where I presently live is a two bed flat.....10/15 mins away I can get a three bed property. The kids have been really upset about the prospect of moving away... I’ve said they will stay in their same school and I will drive them. This brings a whole new set of problems too as they will never be able to walk themselves to school when older which further restricts my future earning potential. I will also need to drive them to go play with their friends. My parents are fairly well off though I don't know how well exactly.... they have a large 4 bed property, a property abroad and three rentals ( different town to me). They know how I stand financially and what it means for me and the kids. Last night my daughter came down crying saying she didn’t want to move away - it broke my heart, I feel so guilty I’m not able to provide what they want. I’m a proud person and always want to pay my own way, never ask for help. Would I be unreasonable in this instance to ask if they could help? Should I not ask and assume they would offer if they could? Am I being entitled?

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 01/12/2019 17:33

I wouldn't assume they will offer. But it comes down to your relationship with them. Plus are you wanting an outright gift? Loan? Do you have siblings who might feel its unfair?

hoochymamgu · 01/12/2019 17:33

Hi @Nighowl, so sorry for all that your going through ThanksJust talk to them. Hope things work out Smile

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/12/2019 17:35

I wouldn’t given how much you need. Wouldn’t even have crossed my mind to ask. If they wanted to buy another house or part own one they would have offered.

They will be old enough for secondary soon so I’d go with a local secondary in the area you can afford and not look at restricting your earnings given you have three people to support.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/12/2019 17:37

Would you be looking at a loan with a repayment plan? Do you have siblings?

TheVanguardSix · 01/12/2019 17:39

As a parent, if I were in a position to help my kids in your scenario, I wouldn't hesitate. All you can do is ask. It's not unreasonable for you to do so at all. I mean, you're their DD and they'd want everything to go as smoothly as possible for their daughter and grandchildren, I can only imagine. You can only ask and see what they can offer.

Supersimkin2 · 01/12/2019 17:42

Ask. They can only say no. You can offer them part-share in a new property if they want that.

user1471449295 · 01/12/2019 17:46

Do they already know your current situation? If they do and haven’t been forthcoming then there’s your answer.
Would this be a loan? They may have a few properties but that doesn’t mean they have access to that kind of money. 20-40k is a lot.
I know it’s unfair on the kids to move but you are really cutting your earning potential by promising to cart them to school/friends etc. Do you work now? Could you draw up repayment plan to show them?
I know it sucks, but if you have to move to where you can afford then you have to move. Kids are adaptable, and you have to be able to afford the roof over your heads and living expenses for yourself and children

user1471449295 · 01/12/2019 17:47

To add - no, it wouldn’t cross my mind to ask parents for a large sum like that

Jollitwiglet · 01/12/2019 17:49

I wouldn't assume they would offer to help. If you have a good relationship with them I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask for their help. But they also wouldn't be unreasonable to say no. So I wouldn't ask unless your relationship wouldn't be affected if they said no

HollowTalk · 01/12/2019 17:52

I've no idea why they haven't offered - they are clearly much better off than you.

Could you ask whether they'd be interested in a part-share?

Goodnightjude1 · 01/12/2019 17:52

I think you should ask....depending on your relationship with your parents. I know, as a mother of 3, that I’d always rather my children asked me than felt they couldn’t/shouldn’t. Whatever their age.

On the other hand, like pp have said...children adjust pretty quickly in most circumstances (obviously there are exceptions) so don’t feel too bad if you have to move further afield.

Original poster
Nighowl · 01/12/2019 17:54

I’ve already applied for ds highschool. It’s a really good one, the best in the area and all DS friends are going there. If I try to swap now he will get what’s left over and there are some very bad schools in the town. I don’t think my DS would cope very well in a school where he knew no one and one that was in the town.... we are pretty sheltered where we live now in comparison.

I have two siblings so yes this is another factor.

I have a good relationship with my parents, But part of me thinks they would have offered if they could help, although they have not said that... I’m scared to ask in case I offend and disappoint them

OP posts:
coragreta · 01/12/2019 17:55

Of course you can ask. But you can't assume they can/will help you. Maybe they can meet part way. Make sure you ask in a calm mood and when the kids aren't around distracting.

Original poster
Nighowl · 01/12/2019 17:57

Yes I would suggest a part ownership and a view to paying them back when I can....however they are retired - DF in 70’s DM 60’s

OP posts:
zeeboo · 01/12/2019 17:58

There is no reason your kids can't share for a few more years. My lot had to when we couldn't afford to move. Or give them the bedrooms and you share wardrobe space with your dd and sleep on a sofa bed?
I wouldn't ask my parents as I know they'd refuse and if your parents know the situation and haven't offered to help you then I would assume yours will also try to avoid helping you out financially.

SilverySurfer · 01/12/2019 18:17

If they are aware of your circumstances and haven't offered, I wouldn't ask them. As *Zeebro said, your children could share for a few more years which would enable you to afford a two bedroom house or they could have a bedroom each and you sleep in the living room. It's really either that or move to a cheaper location which you don't want to do.

Original poster
Nighowl · 01/12/2019 18:20

Thanks all. I won’t ask.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/12/2019 18:23

I see no issue in asking OP they are your parents. As long as you don’t get annoyed with them if they say no and are open with hour siblings if talks progress ....ie write it into wills against any future inheritance etc.

MaryBerrysChutney · 01/12/2019 18:28

OP, Ask. They may say no or (fingers crossed) they may say yes. Only one way to find out. Put your pride aside and ask.

MoseShrute · 01/12/2019 18:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Stuffedcrust55 · 01/12/2019 18:30

What about asking the ex for money in the split. Surely he wants his kids to be as happy as they can be?

FabbyChix · 01/12/2019 18:31

Id ask and suggests it as an investment and offer them to part share

raspberryk · 01/12/2019 18:33
  1. Why are you only getting 60%, I'd go for more firstly.
  2. I would move, I moved 30 mins to where I could afford.
  3. Then ask for help as a last resort.
  4. Buy a house where you can split one of the rooms or turn a dining room into a bedroom .
Josieannathe2nd · 01/12/2019 18:34

Ask. I wouldn’t mind if one of my siblings was helped out when they needed it. It would make too much of a big impact to your life if they said yes to not ask. Have a plan where you could pay it back very slowly or have it taken into account for inheritance.

Purpleartichoke · 01/12/2019 18:37

My parents would want me to ask and I trust they would only help if they were comfortable doing so.

I’ve turned down money from my parents for all sorts of things, but I would accept help to keep my kids living in the same place.