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AIBU?

WIBU to ask parents for help?

113 replies

Nighowl · 01/12/2019 17:28

I am separating from my husband. Can’t afford to stay in the family home. With my cut from the equity ( 60/40 spilt) and what I can get mortgage wise I’m still 20-40k short of being able to buy in the same area. I need a three bed property - ds 10 dd8 and all I can afford where I presently live is a two bed flat.....10/15 mins away I can get a three bed property. The kids have been really upset about the prospect of moving away... I’ve said they will stay in their same school and I will drive them. This brings a whole new set of problems too as they will never be able to walk themselves to school when older which further restricts my future earning potential. I will also need to drive them to go play with their friends. My parents are fairly well off though I don't know how well exactly.... they have a large 4 bed property, a property abroad and three rentals ( different town to me). They know how I stand financially and what it means for me and the kids. Last night my daughter came down crying saying she didn’t want to move away - it broke my heart, I feel so guilty I’m not able to provide what they want. I’m a proud person and always want to pay my own way, never ask for help. Would I be unreasonable in this instance to ask if they could help? Should I not ask and assume they would offer if they could? Am I being entitled?

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Purpleartichoke · 01/12/2019 18:38

Oh and why do I need to ask, yet I have turned down money? Because my sister has needed help in the past and they feel obligated to offer me the same. I Turn them down and remind them I will ask if I need it someday.

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AnneTwackie · 01/12/2019 18:38

If you were my child having such a tough time, knowing how proudly independent you are, I might not offer but would be devastated if you didn’t ask when you needed help. Likewise, if you were my sister, I wouldn’t for a second begrudge you the money. What do you have to lose by asking?

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SynchroSwimmer · 01/12/2019 18:38

Is the separation a new development, I mean if the timescale is very recent, your parents might not yet have had the time to think about your and their grandchildren's situation - and consider offering help maybe?

Could you say share online some property details of (2 bedroom?) places you are going to view...to ask your parents what they think/ do they see any disadvantages / thoughts on that road/area etc....and just see what they might offer by way of a loan or help?

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SometimesMaybe · 01/12/2019 18:42

I would ask them, then if they say no see if you can get a bigger split from ex.
Otherwise buy a 2 bed flat in the local area and move again in a few year (or turn living room into your bedroom). I think staying local is very important given the age of your kids and you are right to consider the advantages of being able to walk to friends etc as they get older.

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flirtygirl · 01/12/2019 18:44

I think you should ask them make it clear that if they can't that's OK.

You have nothing to lose with asking them. Just make sure that you are OK with whatever answer you get.

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Jayneisapain · 01/12/2019 18:46

10-15 mins doesn't seem like a huge deal. Make sure you buy somewhere in a bus route to their school.

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dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2019 18:46

I'd ask, but be prepared for them to say no. I'd buy a 2 bed and live in the sitting room.

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Nighowl · 01/12/2019 18:48

We spilt end of September. It was a big shock to my parents because again I didn’t want to burden them with our problems.
H won’t go higher than 60/40 without me taking him to court which in itself could cost upwards of 20k. He’s suggested that he buy in the are ma and they live with him. I’m the main caregiver and I don’t see how this would work for my own selfish Reasons and because I’m the one that does everything for them, I’m the one they come to when upset, worried and poorly. H works full time, my hours are around the kids school. H has even said that my Ds would not want to live with me in a years time..... I guess part of why I want to stay here is I’m scared I’ll loose them if I live in a worse part of town and Daddy is where they want to be. I feel I’m being set up for this to happen 😭

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Tootyfruityfoo · 01/12/2019 18:49

Ask for sure and be very clear that you won't be offended or upset by a no. My parents would want to help me if I was in that position but do they know that I you are short? You said you are very independent, that being the case they may not want to offer in case you take offence.

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babbi · 01/12/2019 18:49

No reason not to ask but make it clear to them you would really appreciate their support but fully understand if they are unable to .
Best of luck .

I would definitely help my DD in these circumstances

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MindyStClaire · 01/12/2019 18:51

It's hard for us to answer because it depends on the relationship. I know my parents and PIL would want to help and want us to ask. But in truth, they would've offered as soon as it was clear the separation was serious.

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charm8ed · 01/12/2019 18:51

I’m wouldn’t ask my parents for that amount of money, I’d look at 2 bedroom properties.

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Mummyshark2018 · 01/12/2019 18:56

I wouldn't have to ask as I know my parents would offer. And they're not loaded but would have access to pension pots if needed. If they know your financial situation and don't offer then I wouldn't ask for the money, however would them going guarantor on the mortgage or co-owners be an option?

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LissJas · 01/12/2019 18:57

Oh my goodness! Of course you should ask! Unless there's a massive history of you or your siblings taking advantage of their comparative wealth, then there's no reason why you shouldn't.

As a pp said, be clear that saying no is fine, but with all that you potentially have to gain then I think you'd be mad not to.

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Waveysnail · 01/12/2019 19:02

Go for two bed property. Sofa bed in sitting room for yourself and store clothes in dd room.

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Waveysnail · 01/12/2019 19:02

Or look at guarantor options on mortgage

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hauntedvagina · 01/12/2019 19:03

Ask, there's a good chance that they're simply unaware of how hard things are for you financially if they're in a very comfortable bubble. Do make it clear that you won't be offended by a no.

I'd stay living in the area you are and buy the two bed, you can sleep on a sofa bed and the DC can have the rooms.

Another option would be to rent for twelve months in the area you need to stay in for the schools and then look to move to the cheaper area (this is working on the assumption that your younger DC would automatically get into the same school on siblings ties).

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Frenchw1fe · 01/12/2019 19:04

Why not have a discussion with your parents about property. They rent out property so have some expertise. Involve them in your property hunt and let them look round with you.
When they see what you can afford they may offer to help.
If they don’t but they’ve seen first hand what’s in your price bracket then you know where you stand.

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BooFuckingHoo2 · 01/12/2019 19:06

I would ask. Only on mumsnet is it forbidden to ask wealthy parents (who likely benefited from the housing boom) for help Confused

I don’t have children but I’m sure if I did I’d want to help them as much as possible. I know my parents feel the same and I’m sure yours do too!

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Disfordarkchocolate · 01/12/2019 19:07

Your husband is a vindictive arse who is punishing the children.

If you were my child I would be happy to help if I had the money.

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cheesewitheverything · 01/12/2019 19:08

Definitely ask. You are maybe putting a really good brave face on at the moment and they don't understand all the ins and outs of the school and so on to understand what this all means for your dc. Now is the time to tell them you need help. They sound pretty well off to me, so may well have savings they can dip into for you, or could sell a property. Please ask. I'd be heartbroken if you were my dd and didn't ask. Sometimes we hesitate to offer help and if adult dc seem to have it sorted we believe them.

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OrangeSlices998 · 01/12/2019 19:11

Ask ask ask ask ask! They may be wondering whether to offer/bring it up but worrying about offending you or whatever. You obviously love your kids, it’s hard to ask for help but it could be the key to some help - either financially or in other ways you may need. Please reach out. If they say no, which I hope they wouldn’t, at least you’ll know instead of always wondering whether it might have been different had you asked.

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Verily1 · 01/12/2019 19:12

Why can’t you stay and he moves out?

Or get a 2 bed and you sleep in the living room.

It sounds like your ex is setting this up so he gets ds.

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BackforGood · 01/12/2019 19:12

Of course you should ask them.
I'd help my dc in a heartbeat in that situation, if I were able to.

They won't have offered because they have no idea you need it.
The worst that can happen if you ask and they say no is that you are in the same position as you are now. There is a very strong possibility though that they could help you and it will make all the different to you, and your dc.

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EvaHarknessRose · 01/12/2019 19:14

Ask, but be prepared to be ok with it if it's a no, and give them an easy way out.

'Forget I ever asked if it's not doable - and I am not expecting a yes - X amount of £ would buy me a house where I need to be for the kids, if there is any possibility of you giving me this as a long term loan, please would you consider it? I understand it's a big ask and I wouldn't want to put you in an insecure or unfair position so it really is just a question'.

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