WIBU to ask parents for help?

[Nighowl]

I am separating from my husband. Can’t afford to stay in the family home. With my cut from the equity ( 60/40 spilt) and what I can get mortgage wise I’m still 20-40k short of being able to buy in the same area. I need a three bed property - ds 10 dd8 and all I can afford where I presently live is a two bed flat.....10/15 mins away I can get a three bed property. The kids have been really upset about the prospect of moving away... I’ve said they will stay in their same school and I will drive them. This brings a whole new set of problems too as they will never be able to walk themselves to school when older which further restricts my future earning potential. I will also need to drive them to go play with their friends. My parents are fairly well off though I don't know how well exactly.... they have a large 4 bed property, a property abroad and three rentals ( different town to me). They know how I stand financially and what it means for me and the kids. Last night my daughter came down crying saying she didn’t want to move away - it broke my heart, I feel so guilty I’m not able to provide what they want. I’m a proud person and always want to pay my own way, never ask for help. Would I be unreasonable in this instance to ask if they could help? Should I not ask and assume they would offer if they could? Am I being entitled?

Ok, you are too emotional, OP, totally understandable, but equally not helpful.
Ok, it’s business. You get a lawyer who will help you split the assets, not whatever your H decides. It’s not up to him.
The kids are important, but they don’t make the decisions, because it’s not them earning the money. You get what you can afford, later on you can sell and buy something else etc. It’s not ‘forever’, you just need to do what you need to do.

I used to live rurally, most of my DD’s primary school friends take the train or the bus to school, 15-20 minutes, the nearest secondary school to my old village is 10 miles away.
I had to move town, DD had to go to secondary school not knowing a soul. She was worried and apprehensive, now she’s absolutely fine, lots of friends. Some of them live in neighbouring villages, they use our house as a ‘base’ for when they want to stay in town (we’re in the city centre). So don’t worry about that. Won’t be long before they get up, make their lunches, have breakfast and are out of the door to catch their buses while you’re still in bed.
It’ll all work out fine.

Hi OP,
You would have to be extremely careful that any money your parents give you isn't used against you as a marital asset in any settlement. I wouldn't accept any money until your divorce and financial settlement is over - unless a good lawyer is confident it is safe to do so.

I think you should have stayed put in the marital home and told him if he wants you out to follow the legal process- which would be very expensive and take ages (to force a sale). I'm not saying that just to be spiteful due to the break up but because your kids need a home.

Your parents may be very reluctant to get involved due to the complications above (they would hate to feel your ex benefits from their money). They may even hope you can work out your relationship?

In your shoes I would ask them if they can buy a house for you to rent from them. If they can then they may do you a very good deal (e.g. not make a profit). When your financial settlement is done and dusted you can look at your options again. I guess it depends on whether they are keen and if they are still able to raise a deposit or get mortgage.

I have never been in your situation, but I thought it was fairly normal with school age children that the primary care giver stayed in the marital home. Is this not an option for you OP?

Just to add in your situation I hope I would be matter of fact with the children that they are going to live with me - but can see as much of dad as possible. I think you need to be their rock and also not leave any room for who they live with to be a competition about who is flavour of the month. I would just say dad works long hours and can't take you to school and pick you up like I can so you have to live with me. You will be able to see dad and stay over lots. My eldest son is 10 and a year old should not be calling the shots on this. They will be torn as they live you both but also immature and swayed by the best bedroom/the xbox or other nonsense.
Once the smugness of getting one over on you has passed it would actually be pretty difficult for your ex to manage to be the main carer alone and would involve a lot of childcare which makes no sense if a loving parent is available. The fact that he works full time and you school hours is evidence in itself that you have been the main carer.

You should ask them for help. I don't quite understand why they haven't offered in their circumstances. Surely part of their wealth will go.to you and your children in their will, if so they help you out and reduce your inheritance accordingly. This may not be the case with your parents but I am always amazed that people with so much more than they need themselves could sit back and watch their own children suffer. It makes me despair for humanity. Also don't worry about your son wanting to live with his dad, he might for a while buy usually kids gravitate back to their Mum. Good luck OP. I hope you manage to get something sorted.

I think a lot of retirees are unable to free up money to loan others easily. Even if they have assets, they may depend on the income from the assets for living costs. So it’s not fair to make a judgement that they are being deliberately unhelpful.

I can understand a 10 year old wanting to live with his father in his current home. I would discuss your future plans and how you envision the future with him in a new version of family. As long as you keep the avenues of communication open and he has a room at yours he can stay in when he needs to, is it actually a terrible thing to happen?

I don't quite understand why they haven't offered in their circumstances

maybe they just don't want to?

I wouldn't ask, if they wanted to they would have offered.

Also - moving 15 mins away is hardly far. Why wont your children be able to get the bus to school/ their friends?

SunniDay

You can use childcare and still be a loving parent. Its a huge huge assumption that the children MUST stay with their mother basically because she wants them to. If their father is better able to provide for them financially that does matter, especially if it is what the child wants & if it facilitates less disruption to schooling etc thats another factor for consideration.

Also wraparound care is not a lot of childcare! Its what millions of loving parents in the UK use. I dont see why it would be any harder for the father to be the main carer just because he works. Plenty of single parents work full time to provide for their families.

For the people saying they’re surprised the parents haven’t offered to help, do they happen to know if the parents have a spare 40k sitting in the bank or how many other children they have. My DH and I are hoping to retire in a few years and we haven’t factored in giving 40k to our 3 DC if they get divorced.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland
"You can use childcare and still be a loving parent"
Of course you can. But without any other information to the contrary I think one patent working a full time job (no idea if it is long hours/early starts or a long commute) and one parent working school hours gives you a pretty good indication who the main carer is.

Our school wraparound care is open 7:30am until 6pm. If a parent had to use it every day that would have a huge impact on the child compared to 8:45-3:20 school day. If you need do this then you need to, but this family don't need to because the OP works around the children's needs.

The OP can't afford a home for the child near their school.

Childrens needs include their financial needs.

The OP can't afford a home for the child near their school.

Is 10-15 minutes genuinely not counted as near school?