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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask parents for help?

113 replies

Nighowl · 01/12/2019 17:28

I am separating from my husband. Can’t afford to stay in the family home. With my cut from the equity ( 60/40 spilt) and what I can get mortgage wise I’m still 20-40k short of being able to buy in the same area. I need a three bed property - ds 10 dd8 and all I can afford where I presently live is a two bed flat.....10/15 mins away I can get a three bed property. The kids have been really upset about the prospect of moving away... I’ve said they will stay in their same school and I will drive them. This brings a whole new set of problems too as they will never be able to walk themselves to school when older which further restricts my future earning potential. I will also need to drive them to go play with their friends. My parents are fairly well off though I don't know how well exactly.... they have a large 4 bed property, a property abroad and three rentals ( different town to me). They know how I stand financially and what it means for me and the kids. Last night my daughter came down crying saying she didn’t want to move away - it broke my heart, I feel so guilty I’m not able to provide what they want. I’m a proud person and always want to pay my own way, never ask for help. Would I be unreasonable in this instance to ask if they could help? Should I not ask and assume they would offer if they could? Am I being entitled?

OP posts:
ruralcat · 01/12/2019 19:19

Are they aware of the situation? Basically he's going to take advantage of you not being able to afford to buy in the area in order to take control of the children. My parents would be horrified and offer to help though if they didn't I would certainly ask in this situation, you have nothing to lose by asking them.

8paws8legs · 01/12/2019 19:22

Not sure where in the country you are but terrace house near me are similar prices to 2 bed flats (they are classed as apartments which for some reason ups the price tag compared to a flat despite them being the same thing) if it's the same near you most terraces have one big bedroom which you could easily and cheaply split with a partition wall and usually a small yard and I would rather a bit of outdoor space than none! X

HeronLanyon · 01/12/2019 19:23

Family dynamics are very different !

I wouldn’t hesitate to ask given your situation and their financial situation (which may not be quite what you think).
Depending on your relationship with siblings then you might want to talk to them also. I know I would speak to my sister to gauge what she thought and also to reassure her about inheritance etc before thinking further and then speaking to parents.

filka · 01/12/2019 19:25

Definitely ask and explain the reason - but I would ask for a loan rather than offer a % of the house. I think if they can afford it, they will not want to let DGCs education suffer.

Do you have siblings who might take umbrage? Do you know what is in their wills? Either of these factors might have an impact on the outcome.

QueenOfTheFae · 01/12/2019 19:26

If you don't ask your parents to help, they might not know you need help. I think you should at least give them the option if they want to help, but understand they might not want to.
If they have 3 rentals and their own home, they can obviously help if they want to

carly2803 · 01/12/2019 19:27

ask.

i wouldnt hesitate to help my kids out.

My parents helped me (without asking they offered), then when i needed it i asked them and i got help (im talking 5 figure sum)

mclover · 01/12/2019 19:36

Ask! Definitely ask. My brother couldn't afford his deposit in London and didn't want to seem unfair with us siblings so we all agreed that when mum and dad do pass on, he will just get x % less than everyone else. Or you could agree a repayment plan?

They would rather you use it now I'm sure. And it's not a huge amount of money when you consider they have several properties.

Chloemol · 01/12/2019 19:43

You can only ask. However they may refuse so you need a back up. If you want three bedrooms then move 10/15mins eventually they can get a bus surely to school and friends? Alternatively take the two bed flat and get a sofa bed in the lounge for you

73Sunglasslover · 01/12/2019 19:57

I think there is no harm in asking. But if they can't help I'd buy the 2 bed flat and make it work for you all.

BittyButterflyBetty · 01/12/2019 20:09

I would ask

But if they can’t I would get a 2 bed in the good area near the good secondary and work opportunities for you.

I would sleep in the living room and set your dc up in the bedrooms.

If your ds has a good relationship with his father and moves in with him you will be close enough geographically to maintain a relationship with him. But this makes staying in the area more important also.

coragreta · 01/12/2019 20:48

Parents don't always know how desperate a situation is, they're not mind readers. Also they may think that if things were that Desperate you'd come to them.
Ask what's the worst that could happen is they say no.

Veterinari · 01/12/2019 21:05

Ask - they’re probably completely unaware of how tight things are and the potential impact on your kids - have you actually discussed your concerns with them? Give them the chance to help you

Prevegen4U · 02/12/2019 07:56

I understand. I'm the same way as you. Try this; ask them if you can move in with them so you can save money for the house you want/need. That will lead to them asking you more about your situation and well, hopefully they will offer to help.

Maybe if they have always been financially stable they have no idea what it's like to be desperate. It might not have occurred to them.

Good luck.

Original poster
Nighowl · 02/12/2019 17:39

Well I sent them some links to 2 bed flats in the area and they seem to agree it may be the best option. Spoke to my kids about it and asked what they thought.... ds10 said he will go live with Daddy if I buy a flat. So I’m now totally torn.... DD crying cause she doesn’t want to leave the area Ds saying he won’t live with me if I buy what I can afford. There are no two bed houses where I live it’s a relatively new estate 3/4 bed houses with a few blocks of flats. I’m just about at breaking point with the dress if it all. I’ve upped my hours at work to the max I can, I negotiated a pay rise and I still can’t provide what my children want/ need. This is exactly what H wants and has told me will happen.... sorry for the rant having a bad day.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 02/12/2019 17:42

Please be more direct about what is happening with your parents. There is no point in wondering what will happen or being vague. They need to know the impact of buying a flat.

OrangeZog · 02/12/2019 17:48

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Flowers

Do ask your parents and explain that DS is going to live with his father otherwise. I hope they are compassionate and agree (I know I would immediately for my children). Explain you are asking for a loan, not a gift, and if for any reason the repayment ends after they have died that you will repay to the estate (even though theoretically I would imagine it will just mean you’d inherit slightly less as it will come out of your share).

As a side note, your DS is being very entitled and unkind. I hope when he grows up he is ashamed of his behaviour.

charm8ed · 02/12/2019 17:51

Why doesn’t our DS want to live in a flat? Is it because if something his father is saying to him? How about viewing some of the flats and showing him the nicest ones? Often flats are good sizes.

Socksorting · 02/12/2019 17:59

Have you had legal advice? It sounds like your STBXH has dictated what the equity split would be. It’s worth asking.

Goldenchildsmum · 02/12/2019 17:59

Well I sent them some links to 2 bed flats in the area and they seem to agree it may be the best option

Why did you do this?

Were you hoping your parents would offer what you need without you asking them?

Talk to your parents. Tell them that it looks like your kids are going to live with their dad if you have to move and that this will break your heart

Ask your parents for part of your inheritance early. Explain how much £££ you need. Explain what an arse your ex is being

You have to do this PROPERLY for the children.

If it fails and your parents say no then so be it. But you must stop being coy

Socksorting · 02/12/2019 18:00

And don’t believe a word he says. He’s not your friend. Find a third party to confirm what’s likely to happen.

charm8ed · 02/12/2019 18:03

OP did you have any pensions to split?

Atalune · 02/12/2019 18:04

If you don’t ask you won’t get. It’s really that simple.

The ex sounds nasty. Keep all chat to a minimum.

Rockchick1984 · 02/12/2019 18:08

Can you afford the mortgage on your current property? Can you go to court to ask for permission to stay in the marital home until the youngest is 18, at which point it will be sold to repay ex-h his 40%?

bengalcat · 02/12/2019 18:08

Two things - have you taken legal advice ? It sounds very much as though your ex has just dictated to you ( his offer may be fair but equally as others have alluded to it may not ) . Secondly I’d ask my parents - discuss your options with them , what you can and cannot afford , pros and cons as you’ve told us - also tell them he’s said a 60:40 split ..... they may well question whether that is indeed a fair appraisal and division of joint assets .

Gatehouse77 · 02/12/2019 18:09

I wouldn't hesitate to ask but you have to be prepared to get the answer you don't want...