WIBU to ask parents for help?

[Nighowl]

I am separating from my husband. Can’t afford to stay in the family home. With my cut from the equity ( 60/40 spilt) and what I can get mortgage wise I’m still 20-40k short of being able to buy in the same area. I need a three bed property - ds 10 dd8 and all I can afford where I presently live is a two bed flat.....10/15 mins away I can get a three bed property. The kids have been really upset about the prospect of moving away... I’ve said they will stay in their same school and I will drive them. This brings a whole new set of problems too as they will never be able to walk themselves to school when older which further restricts my future earning potential. I will also need to drive them to go play with their friends. My parents are fairly well off though I don't know how well exactly.... they have a large 4 bed property, a property abroad and three rentals ( different town to me). They know how I stand financially and what it means for me and the kids. Last night my daughter came down crying saying she didn’t want to move away - it broke my heart, I feel so guilty I’m not able to provide what they want. I’m a proud person and always want to pay my own way, never ask for help. Would I be unreasonable in this instance to ask if they could help? Should I not ask and assume they would offer if they could? Am I being entitled?

[billy1966]

OP, don't believe a word your husband says.
Check out the equity split.
Speak to your parents.
Let them know exactly what he's doing.
It is important they stay near friends/good schools.
If that means a 2 bed flat, so be it.

Speaking frankly to your parents is key.

Wishing you strength 💐

[Nighowl]

I’ve told my parents everything, they know exactly how much I have and what I can afford... I’m not going to ask as really they would have offered if they could by this point.
DS is not entitled he wasn’t being mean or giving an ultimatum he was just being matter of fact and I don’t blame him, he really had no idea how that would upset me and I don’t want him to think it would. I want my kids to speak freely to me about the whole situation without fear of upsetting me or being caught in the middle. They are naturally upset at the uncertainty of where they will live, and have always lived in This area so are bound to have reservations.
I have kept my parents updated throughout the process so far, so need to face facts that they either can’t ( and I’m not assuming they can anyway) or won’t , which is entirely their prerogative.
I’ve had legal advice and I could go for more but would have to go to court which would use the ‘more’ so not worth it as he said he’d fight me all the way. I just want out of this mess now.
Thank you for all you help and comments I’m sure I’ll sort something out eventually.

[Goldenchildsmum]

So you don't think that you specifically have to ASK - ie say the words??

[Hooferdoofer37]

Have you considered a 2 bed which has a dining room which you could use as a bedroom, or an attic conversion?

Or a dividing wall in a large bedroom may give you a 3rd "room" in the area you want to stay in.

[Isithometimeyet0987]

Just a thought on your parents op maybe they don’t have that kind of savings and that’s why they’re not offering. Their money could be tied up in the houses and they are living off the rent their being paid and their pensions, if that is the case they won’t have the money sitting there to give/lend to you. I know my parents are well off as in the own 3 property’s but they live off the rent being paid to them and their wages but wouldn’t have lots in savings and I wouldn’t ask them to change their lifestyle if it where me. But unless you ask them outright you really won’t know, maybe it’s a case of I’m to proud to ask .... she’ll be offended if we offer.

[FrenchBoule]

OP, please don’t make assumptions, ask your parents directly.

I’d second what @OrangeZog said and also please get some legal advice if you haven’t done it yet.

Speak to your DS as well, ask him what’s upsetting him about flat and present him with all options (try to explain the practicalities)

[SanFranBear]

I know it's possibly a shit solution, but could you not take the money and then rent somewhere with a view to buying in the next year or so? You get to stay where you want whilst the reality of the separation settles down and you get your new normal sorted.

[Bluerussian]

It won't hurt to ask, in your position I would. They may be glad to give you the money. If you have siblings the amount can be deducted from your share of inheritance.

I hope they do help but if they don't, you'll have to think of something else.

Good luck.

[MatildaTheCat]

ASK them. They may think you are quite happy with a small flat. It genuinely may not have occurred to them that you need their help.

If they refuse you are gracious but if you don’t ask you will never know their answer and could end up with a situation you feel really unhappy about unnecessarily.

Good luck. Send a carefully worded message to give them time to think and reply without being caught off guard.

[strawberry2017]

I think you should ask, they might not want to offer in case they are worried about overstepping.
The worse they can say is no. X

[Pippa12]

Could you work out a repayment plan and ask for a loan?

[Jodie77]

Could you share with your daughter or get somewhere with a separate living room you could use as the third bedroom?

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I'd ask. They can only say no. But I know my DPs would want me to ask and I'd feel the same about helping my DC in their turn.

[Atalune]

You’re being rather passive aggressive about this or maybe stiff upper lipped?!

You must explicitly ask. Then it’s done. Ask!

[Grobagsforever]

Oh bloody Mumsnet. No one must ask for help ever, we can all work 4 billion hours a week whilst raising 4 kids and still 'doing a hobby' and we should all budge better

Your parents have FIVE properties. Of course you should ask. FGS. They are your parents. They can say no. But you should ask.

[TowelNumber42]

I'd ask the parents to fund the court costs.

No bloody way he'd be taking an unfair slice. I'd rather that £20k went to a solicitor than to him.

If he believed your parents were willing to bankroll the divorce court you may well find he rapidly decides to settle on something fairer quite quickly. After all his solicitor costs will be high too. Call his bluff.

[BigChocFrenzy]

ASK your parents and tell them that otherwise you'll lose at least one of your kids
Swallow your pride and ask, to keep your kids

Quite possible that they haven't realised you can'tmanage this just by belt-tightening

With 5 properties, a loan 20-40k should be easily manageable for them, if they actually want to help their daughter keep their GDC

[howu2]

Defo ask they may not want to offend you by offering.

[BigChocFrenzy]

Has a solicitor said that you can't require your ex to keep up mortgage payments for the kids' home ?

In any case, your DP would be far more likely to make a loan to buy a property, which is bricks & mortar,
instead of a loan for legal expenses, which might bring nothing

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

I'm dumbfounded why your parents havent offered to help you.

[AugieMarch]

You need to ask directly rather than alluding to needing help. My parents helped us hugely when we bought, but only when I directly asked. Until then they didn't offer anything, as they thought we wanted/May be able to do it on our own. They actually helped us far more than I had thought possible, but only when I directly asked for help.

If they aren't able to help, could you not rent for a few years while you save more? You could invest your proceeds from the divorce, rent a 3 bedroom house and keep everyone happy while you save?

[Derbee]

If you’ve told them everything, and they haven’t offered, maybe they can’t afford to. They may well have their money tied up in property, and not be sitting on large cash piles.

Does a 10 year old get to decide where they live? It seems a big decision for a child to make. Especially choosing to live in a house where a parent works full time, rather than the parent working around school hours?

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

This is really shit for you OP but why are people being so down on a dad who wants his kids living with them? If he was refusing to have them people would be saying he's a shit dad.

Does your DS have a close bond with his dad? Would it perhaps be nice for him to live with him? My eldest cousin decided he wanted to live with his dad post split. They had loads in common, so altho his dad worked longer hours, he preferred to live there while his younger siblings stayed with their mum. There was loads of visiting both ways though.

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

And lets all remember all the excellent devoted parents on mnet who work full time... school hours jobs are like gold dust and not affordable for most. Plenty of households of junior aged children both parents work full time, its what wraparound care is there for. It would only be 3 years before both children are in secondary anyway.

[herbie01]

Before you go further, should you ask/ confirm with your DS that he wants to live with you (if you had a 3 bedroom) and not his dad? (I know he's said if you had a 2 bedroom flat he'd want to live with dad but may be worth clarifying) Even ask DD?
It's not uncommon for boys, particularly those starting teenage years, to want to live with dad on divorce/separation. My sister has a son with her ex, she has been warned by her both family lawyer and her psychologist that son will probably go through a phase/s of wanting to live with dad permanently.
It may be worth getting DS's feedback in open discussion about his thoughts on living arrangements before you go further.
(Would you want to struggle & scrimp & beg affording a 3- bed house for the 3 of you, to only to end up you & DD living there cause DS wanted to be at dad's?)
Custody/ living arrangements always suck- feeling for you as a momma bear wanting your kids with you but at end of the day they are equally dad's children as well as yours :(